A New Christmas

Ok, so Christmas isn't new, but for me this year it is.  I was on call this weekend so my plans were few and mostly included doing stuff around the house since being on call lately has been quite eventful.  God was gracious and I ended up having a quiet weekend with the pager and didn't even have to go in Saturday to do a tour.  So, I was able to relax before the whirlwind that is Steve, Jake's younger brother, comes to town Tuesday.  Sunday my mission was to bake, bake and bake.  Last year I didn't really bake much, mostly because I was planning a wedding and was obsessively watching what I ate for fear of hating my wedding photos, we all know how that turned out...I love them! (but for reasons beyond how I look).  

I began baking Sunday morning  and didn't finish until around 3.  It was so nice to be in our house, listening to Christmas music while Jake napped upstairs knowing that this year I was baking for "My" family, not to take stuff to work or give as gifts but for "My" family.  Jake decided that he was going to help with the chocolate chip cookies (his favorite):

Not to worry though, he really didn't eat that, and now he has lots of yummy cookies.

The realization that my life is now totally different kept washing over me.  Even a year ago it didn't feel this good, and a year ago I wasn't sure how it could get better, being in love, planning a wedding, but now, making a home with the man I love more than I thought humanly possible is so much better.  So, this Christmas is like none I've experienced and I'm sure there are many more surprises and warm feelings around the corner.

Many Blessings and Merry Christmas!

Whew...What a weekend!

Well, this weekend was a busy one, but it was great!  It started Friday night when we met Amber, Jason and Miss Megan in Glendale for a quick, and I mean quick visit with Santa a little bounce in a house and off to dinner.  We hadn't planned on meeting them in Glendale, but everything just worked out for the best.  Jake had never seen downtown all lit up so it was great.  It was so great to catch up and have lots of laughs over dinner.  Saturday morning I took Jake's Mom Christmas shopping, it was a nice time and its always fun to spend time with her, yes I am talking about my mother in law, what can I say, I'm blessed:).  After a bit of rest Jake and I met Lisa, Wade and all of the Egglets at Zoolights.  Here is the walk way up to the zoo;

Wow, I bet your thinking gosh that's a lot of people, well your right!  We went with the Egglet family last year one weekend later and it wasn't as crazy as it was on Saturday.  I kept saying that it felt like being at Disneyland but not quite as organized.  We had a great time, here is Lees and I at the beginning of the night;
Its always so fun to hang out with them, Jake loves Noah, but shhhhh...don't tell his Mom.  We are already getting those not so subtle baby hints. :) And yep, a newer picture of me and my sweet husband.  
While at the zoo, Noah got a souvenir and so did Jake...this is Jake's new ride along in the work truck.
I told Jake his eyes were a bit freaky, but I guess they grow on you...well...maybe not.  And just as quickly as it started the night ended and Addie was still smiling, of course she was also ready to get down and give the monkeys are run for their money but Lisa managed to keep her out of the monkey cage.  She is just too cute!
Noah took a little time away from looking for airplanes to take a picture with Jake and I. We had a great time.  
As always it was a wonderful time to hang out and visit.  As you can see Jake got to use his new camera and these are just a few of the pictures he took, he was like a paparazzi, there were flashes everywhere.  As I'm writing we are watching Christmas Vacation, a Christmas classic.  Who doesn't experience some part of the Griswold holiday?  I can't believe Christmas is 11 days away.  I'm excited to do some holiday baking next weekend and I'm really looking forward to getting together with family and friends.  This year has already brought so many blessings I'm excited for what the future holds.  

Thanksgiving

Well, I'm only a few weeks late with this post but here goes.  We spent Thanksgiving with Jake's family and his brother came into town.  Here is Jake preparing to carve the turkey, I love the apron don't you :)

And here is a picture of Stephen trying to sneak a bite of the freshly carved turkey

I'd say that sneaking things isn't normally in Steve's nature, but that wouldn't be quite accurate.  We spent lots of time running around with his family and went to see the move  Four Christmases, I along with the rest of Jake's family found it hysterical.  We did find time over the weekend to finish the decorating at our house, here is Jake putting the star on the tree
Isn't he cute????  I think so.  I was pretty pleased how the tree turned out this year, I'll admit that I did most of the decorating when Jake was busy doing other stuff, but he was there to help. Here is a picture of the finished tree, looks pretty darn good:)
Jake was also around to put these special ornaments on our tree.  Most of you know that we love Disneyland and we got these as a wedding present...they look great...Thanks Deb!
So we are all ready for Christmas, our shopping is done and now we can just sit back and enjoy the hustle and bustle of the season.  We have a busy couple of weeks coming up, but its all good stuff.  Hope you all are enjoying your Christmas season!

Simple Christmas

In church over the last month we have been doing a series on "Simple Christmas".  It's been a great eye opener.  The 3 main points of our study was to focus on the "true" meaning of Christmas by keeping Christ at the center, spend less money and create an experience as a memory instead of focusing on material things and lastly give more.  Give to those who have less that you do.  Right now I'm sure that is the tough one, how are we going to give to our families let alone to others we don't even know.  During that last few weeks I've gone to church with an open mind and an open heart, and I think I can honestly say that at least for the last few years, I've tried very hard to stay focused on the reason for Christmas and that without Christ we wouldn't have this time of year.  And I have been blessed that for as long as I can remember Christmas day has been a day of creating memories.  I rarely remember what I get, but I remember the get together's, the yummy brunches and the days of shave gel on the living room ceiling.  I also remember surprise visits from Vince and seeing how happy he was for us to be together with great friends for what turned out to be our last Christmas together.  I remember laughing so hard I cried and crying because now there is a hole in my holiday.  But the point that convicted me the most was giving more.  Jake and I have already decided that we are going to go to the mall and give by picking an angel from the salvation army tree.  That was a program that put gifts under my tree more than once and I want to be sure to give back.  The point was making true sacrifice.  We are both still trying to figure out what that sacrifice will look like but with prayer we are asking God to lead us.  We have been blessed, immensely blessed, we know we are called to share that blessing with others.

So, I guess the point of this post is 2 fold, first go to www.ccvonline.com and download the podcast of the Simple Christmas message,  its powerful.  And secondly, ask yourself where will you sacrifice to spread the blessings you have been given?

If you hear the message I'd love to hear your thoughts.  I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving!

Catching Up

So, I haven't posted in a while so let me catch you up on what's been going on.  We had a small Halloween party on the 25Th here are some pictures...

Unfortunately we didn't take as many pictures as we thought, these were some of the best ones. Jake did the decorating outside and was very proud of his dead pirate.  We had a great time and it was fun to catch up with our friends.  The next week was Halloween so we carved a pumpkin, well I should say Jake carved it, I just didn't have the patience for it...go figure.  This is where I was going to put the pictures, but my blog is being stupid and as I suggested earlier, my patience can't take much.

As you all know its now November and we have a new President.  I have to say I've never been so glad for something to be over with in my life.  I hate politics and I hate elections.  It has been interesting for me to watch and hear the reactions of people now that a new leader as been elected.  Some are worried, others hopeful and yet others indifferent.  I have to say I'm in the indifferent category.  The things that would normally worry me about our new leader I try to put into perspective, most everything we have read or heard about him has been skewed by others, this was true of all election coverage.  Which I might add is why I hate it all so much.  But when perspective doesn't work I give it to God, because ultimately He knows how this is all going to work out and since I trust Him, my worry isn't going to really do much good.

  

And now we move on to the holidays.  I can't wait, as I'm writing this post I'm in long jammies and covered with a blanket, the windows are open and its chilly....FINALLY!  It really is my favorite time of year.  I can hardly wait to decorate and for Jake and I to have are true first Christmas together.  Its going to be great!  I'll keep everyone posted on the holiday happenings!

6 Months!!!

Well, some of you know that today is our 6 month anniversary.  I really can't believe that its been 6 months already.  Time flies when you are happy and in love I guess.  We've been through a lot in the past 6 months and I'm not ashamed to say that most of it has been good stuff, a few challenges here and there, but for the most part good, good stuff.  Standing in church this morning worshipping my God that has done so much the realization at just how much my life has changed in the past 2 years washed over me.  Tears came to my eyes, my life is so different than it was not too long ago and I'm now experiencing so many of the things that I only dreamed of.  God is good!

We've been up to a lot this month as well, here is a picture of Jake and I at Rawhide, Jake likes haunted houses and all the spooky stuff associated with Halloween so as my wifely duty I went with him to a haunted house.  Needless to say I didn't see much but the ground since I refused to look up and let go of Jake...oh well, I gave it a try right?

The picture was taken post haunted house hence my calm appearance.  It was a great night, the weather was really cool that night, no really it was in the 60's we loved it.  

The past 6 months have been wonderful, again, not without challenges and learning curves, but wonderful nonetheless.  I really can't wait to see what the next 6 months has in store. 

A tug that sometimes feels like a PULL

Well, I'm writing this post after yet another week that has called my purpose into question.  After talking this through with a few people I've come to realize that I do believe that God is yet again preparing me for transition.  I sent a cryptic email to a friend during the day Tuesday that basically stated that it was days like this Tuesday that made me wonder if my priorities have shifted so much that I have lost the purpose for what I am currently doing.  And the answer is yes and no.  I still believe that God gave me this gift to use to help save these women and girls I work with, and I also believe that God has answered the desire of my heart to be a wife and eventually be a Mom.  Although I have seen many women that I work with do both, I'm not sure I'm made that way.  Do I still want to make a difference in people's lives, YES, but at this point I'm not sure what that is going to look like in the future.  All I know is when I got home Tuesday night I declared to Jake that I didn't care what we had to do, I'd even give up cable if it meant I could stay home after we have kids. (I know, giving up TV...Yes it was that bad of a day)  The truth of the matter is we are doing everything we can to make that a reality.  

In the past my heart was with my work, I was excited to get there and kick some eating disorder butt, now my heart and admittedly my mind is elsewhere.  God knows this, but since we aren't using my clock, I'm waiting on his timing.  You'd think I'd be an expert at this...but I'm not.  I am not wanting to rush things either, but I know my heart at work grows weary, I turn to God, because honestly, by Wednesday morning I wanted to throw in the white flag and accept defeat, but God knows best and its now Thursday evening and I have survived yet again.  I will end this week with praise from my team, a couple of new pay increases (Whoo Hoo) and 2 full days of freedom.  I will also be one week closer to the next surprise that God has waiting for me.  Its hard, I want to be done, but I know I need to be there, I look around and while this week my abilities were called into question, there is evidence all around me that I am still making a difference, I am good at what I do and God is still using me.  But I feel Him also tugging me or should I say pulling me into another direction, but I wait on Him.  Not giving into my own urgency and inpatience. 

What a week!

Well, this week has kicked my butt.  This is the first week since I switched centers that I wanted to just call it a day and go into retail.  I have one patient in particular that has been having a difficult time and then just when I felt that I was able to get her into a good spot another patient goes off the deep end.  And to add insult to injury this was my first week on call.  So needless to say it was a long, long week and an equally long weekend.  I think Jake took the worst of it though.  This was his first real experience with seeing me completely emotionally drained from work.   I felt so bad for him.  Wednesday night I was a shell, I came home and had nothing left and he had been waiting all day to see me and spend time together and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and not say a word.  As usual he was so patient with me and did everything he could to try to help, but it was useless, I was done for.  I know that what I do is a gift from God, because there are times that I'm not sure how I get through what I do, but there are other times, like this week when I struggle with my Gift.  When I see the impact it has on my sweet husband and how it prevents me from being available for him, I want to give it back.  But we can't do that.  I know I'm called to do both.  Save the lives of others while being a wife to my husband.   I'm learning as I'm sure most of you have learned as well that serving God takes sacrifice.  I know that I am serving God through the job I do and while this week I felt like I was making sacrifice after sacrifice I can trust that I will be rewarded and blessed beyond imagination for being a good and faithful servant.

Fall

So, I haven't posted in a while and mostly that is because nothing interesting has struck me.  Well, I guess I shouldn't say that, I do have quite a bit on my mind, but this blog isn't the place to work that stuff out.  I know, that sounds a bit cryptic, but not to worry everything is fine.  But back to my original idea for this blog.  Friday at work I was walking a patient back to my office and I felt it....a cool breeze, yes I said cool.  Now,  to most across the country what I felt would not necessarily have been considered a cool breeze, but to me, after months of blast furnace heat, what I felt was a cool breeze.  So, I was hopeful and excited.  Fall is coming, followed by winter and with that comes the holidays.  I'm particularly looking forward to this year.  Last year I was accepted with open arms into Jake's family and this year will just be more of the same.  I'm also looking forward to it because it also brings about a season of get togethers and family time.  A good time to get reconnected. 

Its that time of year when I want to start baking and decorating but its just still a little too hot, but I know its coming.  Its also that time of year when I open the closet and look at the pile of jeans just laying there, mocking me.  However, this year sticking with my new quest to accept what God gave me, I will face those jeans with new resolve.....if that doesn't work, I guess I get to go shopping:)

Little things

In my quest to build a better relationship with my body I'm learning to appreciate the little things in life.  This past holiday weekend Jake and I chose to stick around town even though we were invited out of the heat to cooler weather.  We had been rather busy and we have a couple of busy weekends coming up, so staying home was sounding really good.  And you know what, it was great.  We had Jake's parents over for dinner Saturday night, I was a little nervous, I wanted to make sure what I made was to their liking and even though we go over there all the time, I definitely felt the pressure to be a good hostess.  Well, needless to say Jake's Dad is still talking about the casserole I made so I'd count that as a success.  The rest of the weekend we basically lounged around, watched TV and made plans for the fall.  It was great.  Nothing earth shattering, but wonderful none the less.

I find myself thinking of my evenings by lunch time on any given day.  During the week it is sometimes painful to get out of bed and it has been great this week that Jake has been starting later so we have some time together in the morning. But the evenings are what I live for Monday through Friday.  Again, nothing earth shattering, just TV, chatting, reading, whatever we want to do, it doesn't really matter, its the simple stuff.  Just being, no rush, no fuss, just being.  

Standing in church together Sunday holding hands worshipping the Lord that has seen us through so much and blessed us abundantly.  There really isn't anything like it, and its simple, its a little thing that means so much.  

So, in my quest to appreciate the little things about my body (OK, most of you know I'd have a killer line for that under normal circumstances, but notice that I am showing restraint :) ), its also helping me notice the other little things that make everyday wonderful.
So, I encourage all of you to look around and make note of the little things that put a smile on your face.

Captivating

This is going to be an interesting post, so bear with me.  Those of you that have known me for a while know that I have had a "hate/hate" relationship with my body.  Those of you that don't me that well are about to.  I'd like to say that as a professional therapist I got past my body image struggles years ago, but if I said that I'd be lying.  The majority of my life has been spent putting myself down and being really hard on my body.  I'm constantly trying to find ways to cut back or new motivations to get to the gym, but looking back on my life something occurred to me.  No matter how "thin" I was, it was never enough, in that moment I was still terribly unhappy with the body that God gave me.  The past month has been interesting for me.  Teaching body image to adult women I am realizing that I'm a hypocrite.  I'm encouraging them to appreciate the bodies that God gave them, when I am constantly berating mine.  The realization that I came to was this; until I embrace the body that God gave me I'm never going to be happy with it.  And as I was talking to a friend recently I realized that as tired as I am of being focused on my body, I'm even more tired of being negative about my body.  

God created me, it says so in Psalm 139, He created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Why is that not enough?  I used to think that if I was thinner I'd get a boyfriend, well, what does God do?  He brings Jake into my life at a time when I'm not sure I've felt worse about myself, and Jake falls in love with me anyway.  Now I have a husband who sees me the way God does....Captivating.  When I think about the look on my sweet Saviors face the day He made me it brings tears to my eyes.  If I allow myself to listen closely I can hear Him whisper:

Exquisite....

Beautiful...

Perfect...

Captivating....  

And as sure as I am that my Savior rejoiced the day he created me, He created my husband to love me unconditionally just as I am.  And while that is difficult for me to accept at times I am also realizing that the love I see in Jake's eyes when he looks at me is only a fraction of the love my Savior has for me.  But He brought Jake into my life to help me realize that beauty is not the size in the back of my jeans or how many times I get to the gym or even how much Coke I drink during the day.  Beauty is my heart, my faith and my soul, those are the things that are going to make me beautiful...captivating.

So, I've written all this to say that I'm throwing in the towel.  I'm giving up the fight.  I'm not giving up on being healthy, I'm simply giving up on being unhealthy in my thoughts and words about my body.  God created every curve, every line, and I will work diligently to thank God every day for this body and while I know at times it will be tough, I am committed to loving me for me and seeing myself the way that God and my sweet husband see me.

So, I ask for prayer, this will be a hard habit to break.

Milestone

Well, this weekend I went to Lake Arrowhead to see my friend Susan and her new little girl.  It was a good trip and a nice break from the heat.  The weather was so nice, words can't describe.  I actually wore a sweater outside, not inside because the air is too low.  What this trip also meant was that for the first time since Jake and I were married we would be sleeping in separate beds in separate states.  I'll admit that at first I didn't really think much of leaving.  I've done it dozens of times before, it was just another trip to Cali; until Friday morning at the airport.  He dropped me off and unloaded my bag and it happened, I started to cry.  It was only 2 days, but the realization that I was going to miss him hit me like a ton of bricks.  Now it wasn't hysterical crying or anything like that, but tears none the less.  Like I said the weekend was great, I had fun with my friends and enjoyed holding the new baby and playing with her.  I would like to go back at some point, hopefully soon.  But it was definitely different, leaving Jake here and not having him there at bedtime.   It was one more reminder that my life is completely different, in all the good ways.  When I got off the plane and saw him waiting for me the tears came again, (Gosh, I'm sounding like such a wimp, what has happened to me?) the realization of how happy I am in my marriage, in the condo and with my new job is overwhelming at times.  Not that there won't be times of trial, but as I teach my patients I'm working on living in the moment, focusing on the fact that I'm happy, not worrying about when the other shoe will drop.   

I wouldn't have traded the weekend for anything, not only did I have a good time with my friends, but I also got to come home to a wonderful husband :)

Prayer Request:  This Friday my application for Licensed Professional Counselor will go in front of the committee for recommendation for licensure.  Please pray that they don't find any other reasons to delay my application and I will be able to finally be done with this process.  If it gets recommended for licensure then on the 5Th of Sept, it will go in front of the Board and my license will be granted.  Thank you in advance for your prayers.

God Answers

As most of you know Jake and I are on a quest to get rid of our debt.  There are several reasons for this, the most important being the ability for me to stay home after we have kids.  So, we are planning ahead.  In an attempt to get out of debt Jake made the decision to sell his car.  He doesn't drive it much anymore because he drives his work truck and his parents were gracious enough to offer us the truck for the next couple of years to use so that we can save some money.  So, in the auto trader the car went.  Now, I'm the sentimental type and while I was excited at the prospect of paying off a lot of our debt,  there was some sadness.  This was Jake's car, the one that we took our first trip to Disneyland in and the one we used to go on our countless dates.  But it was the right decision.  Over the past few months Jake has gotten a few calls here and there, but most of the people interested either wanted it for nothing or they were a little shady, so we waited and prayed.  Trusting that God would provide.  As usual Jake's faith far surpassed my own.  Then today out of the blue I get a message from Jake asking me to call him...weird.  He doesn't normally ask me to call him in the middle of the day.  When I do, I find out that the car sold and that the money was already in our account.  What????  No one called, there hadn't even been any leads.  But apparently it only takes 4 hours to sell a car.  Someone called Jake this morning, left work to come test drive it and...done.  

I cried.  Not because we are in dire straits financially and "needed" the money so badly, but because I was in awe.  In awe of the amazing blessings God is giving us.  As a couple we are trying hard to be good stewards of our money and to keep focused on God and his plans for us, but at times it doesn't seem enough.  We could always do more or try harder.  But much like I teach my girls and ladies at work, its not how much we do, its the state of our heart that God focuses on. 

 

Pure of heart,

Seeking Him first,

Trust,

Faith,

Faith!

That is always the hard one.  I ultimately know that God will provide, but that doesn't make it easier to trust him for some ridiculous reason. So, after our celebration dinner and Jake's celebration strawberry shake( its good for you because its fruit :) ) the reality that a good portion of our debt will be gone very soon is still sinking in.  Gone...just like that.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; God is good!  Now if I can just remember that the next time I begin to doubt,  that would be a miracle.  :)

Success...so far!

Well, day one at Remuda life is done and I have to say it was great.  That is not to say that there weren't times when I was freaking out about my new responsibilities.  Not to mention that I feel added pressure because I've worked at the Ranch and therefore I'm expected to know more.  There was  a point today as I sat in my temporary office looking around at the mess and feeling so overwhelmed at how I was going to pull this off.  Running adult body image groups...who me?  You've got to be kidding, I've worked with adolescents for the last 4 years, adults...YIKES!  But I found myself praying at 3pm that God would lead me, and He did.  At the end of the group, which ended up being sort of small I told the ladies they had done a good job and they thanked me...weird, why would they do that?  Well, one of them say "ya, who could have imaged that body image would be interesting", the other followed by saying that normally body image group is boring.  They complimented me then asked if I would be running more of their groups and I said yes, they were excited.  Of course this was a boost to my confidence because even though people tell me I'm good a what I do, I question my abilities constantly.  So, this was reassurance that God was once again present, not only in that group, but it confirmed that this was the decision that was best for me and for Jake.  

Now that I've tooted my own horn I'm sure tomorrow will be a disaster, but I will focus on putting God at the head of everything I do and trust that He is there guiding me, when things go well and even when things don't.  

The other joy of my day is summarized like this:

8:05, leave condo to go to Starbucks

8:15, leave Starbucks to go to work

8:40 arrive at work....yes that's right :)

5:05 leave work for home

5:45 arrive home, once again, yes that's right:)

Total miles 56, which includes my trip to the gym this morning(which I'm totally excited about) and my trip to the mall for lunch....my fuel gauge isn't even off "F" yet.  

AMAZING!!!!!!!

Time now is 6:40, I've had dinner and now Jake and I are relaxing together.  No stress from a one and a half hour drive home, no pressure to go to the gym, just rest.  God is good!

Flutter

I'd say something strange happened to me on my way home with Jake from dinner tonight, but for me what happened wasn't strange.  We had just gone to this new BBQ place that Jake was raving about and I'll admit it was pretty great and we were headed home to get ready to go to a get together we were invited to and it happened....a flutter.  Now the way I would describe a flutter is somewhere between butterflies in your stomach and your heart skipping a beat.  Flutters come when I am really excited about something, but its not your everyday excitement, its when I feel not only completely content but when I feel that God is truly present.  Tonight my flutter was about heading home with "My Husband" to "Our House"....flutter.  But they have happened a lot in my life;

My first crush....flutter..

Accepting Christ into my heart...flutter...

My first trip to Colorado...flutter..

My girls trips to Laguna Beach..flutter..

Seeing my best friends get married..flutter..

The first time I held each of my friends precious children..flutter..

Walking into Disneyland at Christmas..flutter..

The first time I saw Jake...flutter..

The night he asked me to marry him..flutter...flutter..

Putting my Wedding dress on..flutter..

Looking at the man I love more than I thought possible...flutter...flutter...flutter..

The realization that God created this man for me...FLUTTER....

And yes, even the thought of having my own child someday...flutter..

I love the flutters, I smile when I feel them, its a physical indication that God is working in my life and answering prayers that at times I am silly enough to think He doesn't hear.  He hears every prayer and though He doesn't always answer them the way we want He often answers them in ways that are much better!

Now I could go on and on about flutters, but I'm sure at some point you would lose interest, but I hope my thoughts on flutters help you stop and think about your own flutters.  What makes you flutter, or maybe it isn't even a flutter, maybe is something entirely different.  Whatever it is I encourage you to cherish those flutters and make a mental note to not let them slip away.  It's easy to do with so much on our plates, but make it a point to just stop and feel the flutter.

A New Type of Independence

So, it occurred to me last weekend that since Jake and I have moved I rarely go anywhere alone.  I drive to work and home, but if we go anywhere in the evenings or on the weekends he always drives and he is always with me.  Now, most of you know that I HATE to drive so driving everyday to work is a challenge.  Jake is very aware of how much I don't like to drive so that is primarily why he always drives when we go anywhere. But as I drove to the grocery store with Jake on Sunday in my car, I felt like a fish out of water.  Not only do I not go anywhere alone, I rarely drive so when I do it feels foreign.  Talking to Lisa on my way home today I was expressing my fear that I'm losing my "Independent" edge.  I have for a while now been the girl that can definitely take care of herself.  By this point of my life I've been through plenty and managed to survive.  But I'm finding myself not doing things because I know Jake will do them or not lifting things because they feel "a little" too heavy.  What is happening to me????  Well, it was then that I realized that the fight to stay my independent single self is going out of me.  This is a blessing and a bit frighting at the same time.  For Jake's sake I'm glad its happening, but honestly it scares me a little.  I'm managing an entirely new type of independence.  This new independence requires me to allow my husband to take care of me when he can so that I don't have to.  This is still tough, but oddly enough its getting easier. It also requires me to tell him things I'd rather hide from and ask him for help when I just want to do it on my own.

Now, back to my original issue of not going anywhere alone.  I like to be alone, Jake is out right now and I'm OK with that, I want him to go and have fun.  But then the harsh reality sinks in and in an hour or so I'll be missing him and wishing that he would get home.  I'm officially ruined.  Ok, that's a little dramatic, but I can't tell you how many Monday nights I would sit at home and do nothing and not think twice, now its a chore.  Oh the agony.  Ok, I know more drama.  So, I guess the bottom line is this.  While I need and want to go places on my own I genuinely enjoy my husbands company and I'm working on coming to terms with the fact that being by myself doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to.  Now, while I will be making more of an effort to venture out on my own, I'm also accepting that while going shopping is something best saved for girlfriends and solo trips, target isn't so bad with a cute boy:)

Frustration...The Vent

Well, as some of you may know my Mom was in the hospital last week.  For those of you that don't know...now you do.  I apologize for not calling everyone but to be honest I truly just wanted to forget it was occurring, so when I wasn't at the hospital or work, the last thing I wanted to talk or think about was my Mom.  The reason for this post is because I am FRUSTRATED!!!! Now, it would be entirely inappropriate for me to share my frustration with my Mom and quite frankly it wouldn't make a difference.  So, here is the root of my frustration.  My Mom as had multiple opportunities to make her life better and to improve her health.  Heck I was in the Dr's office with her when our Dr told her if you don't stop smoking TODAY things will get worse and your life will end..so what does she do...NOTHING!!!  She continues to gamble and smoke and then expect me to clean up the mess.  Now I'm sure some of this is sounding a bit selfish and ungrateful, she is my Mom after all, and honestly I am feeling a bit selfish.  There has rarely been anything in my life that has not been altered by my Mom and her struggles.  I probably wouldn't feel half as frustrated or resentful if she seemed the least bit grateful, but she doesn't.  All she could talk about when I visited her is whether her boyfriend was going to come see her and how she wanted to go home, she didn't seem to care that she almost died.  The biggest part of this hold situation that really frustrates me is the fact that last week I was totally emotionally unavailable for my husband.  He did his best to try to help me, but there just wasn't anything he could do.  As always he was patient with me and reassured me that would would find a way to take care of my Mom.  But because of her bad choices it is now impacting my relationship with Jake.  Again, I realize I sound incredibly mean and hateful, but I've got to get this out, because the reality of the situation is things are just going to continue to get worse because she isn't motivated to make changes and I am going to be the one responsible for finding out what to do next.  I do have an older brother but he has never been much help.  So, that leaves me and that makes me ANGRY!!!!  

Now saying all of this is not to take away from the fact that I do love my Mom, but I'm tired of cleaning up after her.  And I'm so tired of having to be the parent.  Those of you that know me know that I will end up doing what I need to, but I had to vent about this situation.   I really felt like it was changing me as a person and again, it would be pointless to tell my Mom any of this so, that makes all of you the lucky recipient's of information you would probably rather not have.  

So, now I turn to God.  I ask Him on a daily basis to soften my heart and give me the strength to deal with this situation.  I've been through enough in my life to know that without Him there isn't much I can do on my own. 

  Thanks for listening and please keep me and my Mom in your prayers.  

Update

Well, I thought it would only be fair to update all of you on how the goal of getting back into a routine is coming.  I'd say we are 80% there.  We are definitely getting back in the swing of going to church which is really nice for both of us.  The gym is what has been difficult, between not getting home until after 6, the humid 100 plus degree weather and Jake starting work before 6 lets just say it hasn't happened yet.  But with the new job on the horizon I think it will definitely be easier for me to begin going again soon.  Mentally and physically I need to get refocused.  I've been blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally even if at times I can't stand myself, I thank God for him, and remember that just going a few times a week helps with the impending sense of yuckiness that comes from lounging about too much.  Another high point that happened this weekend is that we finally had a normal weekend.  We cleaned Saturday morning and then Amber, Jason and Miss Megan came over Saturday night for dinner.  It was fun to finally feel like we were getting our life back, it was good to catch up with friends and show off the new place.  This is truly what I've been waiting for...that everyday feel to our lives.  Its finally here and I'm thankful.  That's not to say that I won't complain about the "everyday" feel at some point, I am human, but I'm praising God for it now.  

Funny side note:  Jake reads the blog a lot, there isn't anything I post on here that he doesn't already know about.  Sometimes he teases me when I don't post often and I keep offering for him to write a post, but he shys away from that...so he said to just say "Jake says hi".  There is Jake's official contribution to the blog :)

And the answer is......

YES!!! So, I got the transfer to the Life program. I will admit that I had had about enough today with the waiting to make a decision thing, but now I finally feel like I can look forward. As most of you know the state of "limbo" does not suit me well, so these past weeks have been torture, but now we have clarity, as I always knew we would. I am finally allowing myself to be excited about it, but its bittersweet, my coworkers in Wickenburg have turned into family. They grieved with me when my brother was killed and rejoiced with me when I found Jake and got married, so I will be leaving some great people and good friends. But I realize that I am also making room in my life for my new relationship and making time for us and for me. It will be a great help to my goal of getting back my routine. Its a completely different program and the patients need completely different things which I am thankful for. Especially since I'm on call this weekend and I just got paged...so that level of intensity I won't miss, but I'm sure it will have its own surprises. So, thanks for the prayers!

Are we done yet?

So, this is weekend 3 in our new home.  We are now at the point where there is just little stuff that we need to do and some little stuff we just don't know what to do with.  I'm just about done with this whole move thing.  There is defiantly something to be said for routine.  I miss mine very much and I'm anxious to get back into one.  I know to some routines can be boring, but I'm a routine girl and lucky for me I married a routine guy, so our goal for next week, start a routine.  It's kinda sad when you have to goal to start a routine, but this is who we are :).  I'm still a bit in limbo in regards to a job, I have one boss telling me that I have a confirmed transfer down to the Life program and others saying that I need to complete the interview process, sooooooo.....I am in yet another situation where I am trusting God to make my path clear.  Jake really wants me to get the new job and I will admit there are definite perks, but I've also been through enough to know that above all else I need to trust God.  He sees the big picture and we only see one scene, so I go on Tuesday for my interview, hopefully there will be some clarity at that point.  I'd like to say I have more fascinating things to post about, but I don't really think I do.  Do we have a lot on our plate right now...sure...am I on the brink of learning what its like to care for an aged parent....yep.  But, those things are just side bars of our story.  Jake continues to amaze me as a husband, especially to see him interact so graciously with my Mom, he is patient and kind and not that I needed a reminder, but its acts like that that simply point out to me how perfect this wonderful man is for me.  He truly is a gift from God.  So, as he rests and I type I look forward to next week and the beginning of our routine as well as what new and exciting things we will get to do next.

Happy Birthday

Today my baby brother would have been 29 years old.  This marks the 3rd birthday since his death....

Happy birthday Vincey....I love you!!!!

Balance

Now that we are officially moved, it has been difficult to find balance in putting things in there new place and finding time for us.  We are both so motivated to get things cleaned up, but by spending too much time each evening working we lose the few hours we have together before we need to get ready for bed and have to start it all over again.  I have been finding myself constantly reminding my sweet husband that "we will get it done" as he is still trying to find little things to hang or fix.  He wants to do so much for me, but what I need him to do is just stop and rest with me.  I normally win this battle, like tonight for example, we hung a few things and he wanted to keep going, but what are we doing...sitting on the couch watching Deadliest Catch and relaxing.  This is my favorite time of the evening, when all the chores are done and we can just be.  With all the changes that are going on in our lives that is the thing I am anxiously awaiting, a time when we can just be.  Right now we are finding balance in our daily task of making our new home, next we will need to find balance to add the gym back into our lives.  This is the one I'm most focused on, I need to make time for me to take care of myself, going to the gym is the first part of that.  So, as I'm typing and thinking about balance I wonder where are you struggling with balance?  I have found that achieving balance has to be intentional, and it takes prayer and support.  In our world today there are so many things waiting to throw us off balance and I find that relying on God helps me to refocus and find my balance again.

Blessings,

Home

Well, we are moved.  Everything is here, keys to the apartment are turned in and now all that is left is the daunting task of wading through all our stuff...I say "our" stuff, but really I mean "my" stuff.  Jake didn't really have near as much as I did, and boy did I have stuff.  I didn't realize just how much until this move.  I have really accumulated a lot over the years.  So, now is a good opportunity to reorganize and like the old saying "out with the old and in with the new".  This really does feel like home.  I say that because I was afraid it wouldn't, but it does.  It doesn't feel like an apartment and its so nice that it ours.  So, I'm looking around and realizing that we got quite accomplished and feeling very excited not only about our new place but all the of memories we will make here.  My life has been in a constant state of change for I will say over a year now, so while I've had my freak outs, I've become accustomed to it.  Now that this area of change has ended the next task will be figuring out what area is next.  I can tell you for me, it will be figuring out what do to about my new commute...lets see if for once God and I are on the same page.

Progress

Well, I feel like I accomplished something today...I know its a miracle.  Jake and I are dog sitting this weekend  for his parents and that allowed us to go and spend some time organizing the condo..or our place as we are calling it now for the big move next Saturday.  We worked for several hours over there today and things are starting to take shape.  The thing I am most excited about is the kitchen.  I unpacked quite a bit and there is still so much room left....its amazing.  I'll admit I've had my share of "private" meltdowns about the upcoming move, but as I was putting things in "their place"  I felt peace and excitement.  So many things in my apartment have been the same for years, move to move they remained.  Now its an opportunity to start new, sure there will be some things that are similar but I want our place to be a reflection of us.  My apartments have been a reflection of me and those that helped me move, so while Jake and I are verging on exhaustion by doing this on our own, its also a great chance for us to do this together and it can be ours...not just his and not just mine.  It truly is a great feeling.  Now this is not to say that in this final week in the apartment I won't have my emotional meltdowns...oh they will come, but they will pass and I will be left with my loving husband and a place for us to call home.  

As you can tell from my blogs facial I finally got our wedding photos.  Kathy Cole is amazing! Because for those of you that know me you know that I'm never very fond of my pictures, but I'm actually having a hard time figuring out which ones to pick.  I love them!!!  Once I figure out what I'm doing I will post some on the blog .  I'm so proud of them you will all be sick of them before too long.    
Blessings to all!

My Blog Just Got a Facial!

My blog just got a facial at The Blog Spa and yours can too!

For a complete blog facial, contact Lisa EggeBrecht at www.theblogspa.blogspot.com or e-mail her directly at leggebrecht@cox.net !

Change

Isn't it funny how you don't realize you need change until you have to change? This is what I am experiencing right now. I'll admit that last week the move to the condo was still a bit difficult for me. I knew it was and is the right decision, but I was still struggling with how much of my life has changed recently. Then as God always does He showed me that change is exactly what I need. The more we move into the condo the more I can't wait to be there. The closer I get to getting my independent license the more I realize I need a change in regards to my job too. This I have known for a while, I feel God leading me in a direction I never thought He would lead me, but that was my first mistake now wasn't it, thinking that I knew what God had planned for me. Change is happening all around me and instead of finding myself shying away from it I find my self anxious for it. What is wrong with me???? I am feeling like God wants me to continue to change and grow, first with my marriage, second with this move and now possibly in the job arena. I love what I do now, but I need something else, something I didn't know I needed until now. Funny how God always knows and lines things up for you. Even if we don't see it, He is constantly moving in our lives. It amazes me when I stop and think about it and it overwhelms me too. Questions come, what if I can't do what God wants me too? What then? But, again that is me thinking I know....I don't know...God knows.
Those that know me well know that to hear me talk of change the way I am is almost crazy, but this is one more area of my life that God has transformed. It shocks me everyday. Please pray that my independent license comes through soon, it has been quite a nightmare for some really ridiculous reasons and I know in this area God is working and also pray that I can continue to sit quiet and listen intently to where God is leading me next....I'm so excited to get there :)
Blessings,
Christine

Faithful

This is a hard word for me right now. Well, I guess I should say it used to be harder, but its getting easier. The reason this is difficult for me is this...Jake and I are moving. His condo isn't selling and after a lot of prayer and some tough discussions we know that what is best is for us to move. We are just wasting money paying rent and the condo is beautiful. So, in order to be good stewards of what God has blessed us with, this is our new path. This is a tough one for me. I'm leaving behind very good friends out here in the west valley, and while I have no doubt our friendships will not only last but flourish I have some sadness about not being able to see them whenever I want. I've lived out here for 3years so this is one more part of my life that will no longer be the same. And truthfully, things can't stay the same forever.
On the up side, I get to move into a beautiful condo with my wonderful husband. And it will be ours, we aren't paying rent we are making payments to our future. A future that we knew would take making sacrifices now, so that's what we do, make the sacrifices. So, overall I'm excited, there is some nervousness about the move and my new commute, and all of you know how I love change...sarcasm:) But I'm looking forward to Jake and I beginning our lives together in a place of our own. Our faithfulness to what God is calling us to do now will bring us great rewards in the future, this we know for sure. Thank all of you who prayed for the condo to sell and now I would simply ask that you pray that Jake and I make this transition smoothly and that we will be able to keep our eyes firmly focused on God and his plan for us.
Blessings,
Christine

We're Baaaack!

Well, we survived Disneyland in June. The weather was fabulous but the crowds were abundant. I know the country is hitting hard times economically but you wouldn't be able to tell from the crowds at the park. We had a great time. We got our "just married" pins on Friday and got special treatment all day...it was fabulous! Saturday was a bit busier. We had lunch with my friend Susan, her husband Steven and their new little girl Emmeline. It was a nice time of catching up. Now that we are back I realized I didn't take any pictures of the baby...what was I thinking? In the afternoon we met up with Jake's brother Steve. This is always an adventure, especially since he had a new "friend" with him. It was fun and we ended up having a great time. I attached some photos of the trip. And write a more in depth blog later. We are pretty pooped from our fun filled weekend.

Blessings,

Christine

Disneyland Here We Come!!!

So, Jake and I are out of here tomorrow. We are headed to Disneyland to hang out with Mickey and all his friends. This is one of the things that we really love to do together and I'm not sure it could come at a better time. After a long and stressful week at work for both of us and the frustration and stress from my car breaking down we need the time away. It will be a great way to leave all of our worries behind...well at least for a little while. I'm also very excited to see my friend Susan who had a baby recently. It will be nice to catch up with her and meet Emmeline, her new little girl. We will also be hanging out with Stephen, Jake's little brother...that is always an added adventure. I'll be sure to post photos when we get back.

PS: For those of you anxiously awaiting wedding photos, I should have something soon!

Blessings,
Christine

The Last Stand!

Ok, so maybe that is a little dramatic, but I took my final step into married life yesterday. I will admit this was the hardest one for me to take. I took my paycheck and deposited it into "our" account. AHHHHHHHHH!!! Again, I recognize this a a bit dramatic, but I've been in charge of my money for a very long time. Knowing what comes in and what goes out. Now, I gladly give the bill paying over to Jake, but I wasn't sure I was ready to give up the freedom of stopping at Starbucks whenever I wanted or buying that cute shirt at the Gap, just because I liked it. Now he will see everything!!! Oh the madness. He and I have talked about this and its funny, he is feeling the same anxiety I am. See Jake and I both like to spend money, one of the things we have in common, so it was reassuring to know that he was nervous as well. My hesitation was more connected to that part of me that likes control. I know, I just admitted that I am a bit of a control freak, but we are all friends here right? I am a control freak...there I said it. Truthfully since a young age I've had to be in control of my life so it was difficult for me to give up this last bit of "perceived" control. But as we were paying bills this morning I realized, this is how it should be. What is mine is his and what is his is mine. I'll be sure to remind him of that when there's a new Coach purse I want ;)

Blessings,
Christine

Faith Like a Child

Why does it always come back to faith?  I ask myself this question all the time.  It's been on my mind since Sunday.  We were on our way to church and the topic of Jake's condo came up.  He is trying to sell his condo and we really, really need to sell.  Are we ok right now, sure, we have more than what we need, but, we look to the future and know that we need to begin to make plans.  If God permits children will come one day and we want to be able to provide them a stable home where I can be there with them.  That's the future...but we are here now praying that this condo will sell.  He has faith....faith like a child...it's amazing isn't it?  That a man who has experienced a lot of pain and loss can still look to God and say, I trust you completely.  I used to think I was optimistic, but not compared to Jake.  Our conversations always go the same, he tries to reassure me that it will go.  "God knows" he says, "he will take care of us".  I try so hard to believe as he does, but it doesn't come as easily to me.  I seem to always be looking over my shoulder, when will the other shoe drop so to speak?  Then we went to church.  Amazing, God again says 'Christine..can you just let me do my job?'  We heard a speaker Steve Saint,  the movie The End of the Spear, was based on his life.  Amazing to me that this man whose father was brutally murdered by savages when he was trying to protect them not only forgave them, but through the grace of God was now able to call them family.  He ministered to these people because its what God said to do.  Then just as if it seemed things were good, his 17 year old daughter returns from a mission trip only to die on the night of her welcome home party from a hemorrhage in her brain.  And yet he follows our Lord and says, thank you, what will you have me do next?

So, once I pulled my self up from my seat and wiped the tears from my eyes I realized that once again it comes back to faith.  God has never given me a reason to doubt him, yet I have given him numerous reasons to doubt me.  So, when my devoted husband says that God will provide, I will now work harder to let his child like faith become my inspiration to build my faith even stronger.  I need to stop asking God, "will you really do this?" and starting saying "Thank you Lord, and what will you have me do next?"

I hope you all take a few moments to look up Steve Saint and read his story.  It is a true expression of child like faith.

On a brighter note, I got some awesome news today.  My awesome friend Lisa is busting out!  She and I have a girls movie night planned for Friday.  She has a sitter and Jake has given the go ahead and we are going to a movie.  I'm so excited selfishly to be able to hang out with her, but also so excited for her.  She is such a dedicated mom and wife and has made numerous sacrifices for her family which I know she gladly makes but come Friday night its all about her...for at least  few hours.  See you Friday Lees!!!!

Blessings,

Christine

Permission

Ok, so as I've mentioned before I was single quite a while before Mr. Right came into my life. And while most of those days I was dreaming of being married, there were certain perks to not having responsibility and only needing to answer to myself. Well, as most of you know, that changes when you get married. Honestly, having to "check" if I could do something was seriously something I was dreading. Why after all this time was I going to have to start asking for permission to do things. But, as a Godly wife it was part of my role. Well, the first instance of having to ask for permission came the other night. There is a movie coming out next weekend that I'm dying to see. Its more of a chick movie. Its also a movie that is based on a television show, OK, most of you by now know what I'm talking about, its my guilty pleasure, but moving past that. Since it is based on a TV show that Jake has never seen I just assumed he would be out of the loop if he went with me to see it and quite honestly I wanted to see it with my friend Lisa. She and I both watched the show and knew what was going on. She called and said that she may be able to get a sitter for next Friday and to "check" to see if I could go. There is was...I had to check. And you know, I didn't skip a beat. It didn't phase me at all. So, I checked. Jake was shocked. He told me that of course I could go, and that he didn't want me to ask "permission" to do things. What? Wow, what just happened. Then I told him he was invited to go with us, and he said No. He knew I needed my time and said that he would stay home while I went out and did my thing. Amazing. What an amazing husband I have. I know I gush on him all the time, but its true. He knows when to be the caretaker and when to let me be independent. Its amazing. I really did wait a long time to find Mr. Right and although I would never have dreamed I would say this, it really was worth it. God has been working on me for the last zillion years, and finally I realize why. God is great, not that I ever doubted it, sometimes its nice to see the obvious reminders.
Blessings,
Christine

The "New" me....

So, I got my hair cut tonight and I LOVE IT!!! I feel like 100lbs has been lifted from my shoulders. I had gone after our honeymoon to get it cut and well lets just say it didn't go well. It looked basically the same, but shorter in the back. Tonight there is a clear difference. Jake loves it, which I'm glad for, but truly I did this for me. I just got married and the hair I had was connected to my pre wedding life. I know this sounds a little weird, but let me explain. 2 years ago my brother was killed. Just like that, New Years 2006, gone. That is when I started growing my hair out. The past 2 years have held a lot of pain and ended with more joy than I could have ever imagined. But the pain seemed to linger. Maybe its symbolic, I don't know, but as I sit here writing this post I feel...free. A few weeks prior to my wedding the man who killed my brother was sentenced and is now behind bars. God stepped in and took care of me again. As always, he puts something incredibly hard in front of me only to show me that He will never just leave me hanging. He may not answer the way we want him to, but he answers. I hate that one. That's the hard one for me. But, I'm truly the happiest I've ever been and it started with my wedding and ended with this new do. How can I not trust that God will provide. He has done it every time. Jake helped my heart to heal and that was a true blessing from God. So, now as I look at my adorable husband watching TV and feel the new shorter hair on the back of my neck, I'm reminded that God gives and he takes away. But never does He leave.

This might be a bit if a rambling post, but I hope it helps those of you needing a fresh start to begin new and look at all the wonders that wait when you are able to get through the darkness and begin again.

Blessings,
Christine

Thankful

As God does most times He sends you messages when you need them most. Today was that day for me. In our staff meeting today a co therapist of mine had devotions. He spoke about being thankful for the things that God has blessed us with and to not worry over the things we still don't have. This hit close to home for me because one of the questions asked was "when will you be happy enough?". He pointed out that we always say..."I'll be happier when....." you fill in the blank. I know for many years I thought my happiness would be found in a relationship. That was partly true. However, I also came to realize that being successful in that relationship required me to be content with what I had been given. This was exactly what I needed to hear today. A reminder to be happy with what we have and to not allow our days to be spent worrying about what we don't. He knows our hearts and already has a plan to meet those needs. I was reminded that we need to let him.
I thought I would pass that along to see if it would hit home for any of you.

Blessings,
Christine

Getting There....

Well, my blog is under construction. My wonderful friend Lisa designed this great new header and I managed to get it on my page all on my own...but....I need to figure out how to center it. Whew. This blog stuff is tiring. I love the header though and its more me than I could have hoped. Thanks Lees!!!!
Today is the one month anniversary of Jake and I getting married. Boy time flies when you are getting settled as a new married couple. Things are great and althought I got lots of advice to the contrary married life is fabulous. I love that he doesn't have to go home when we are out late and although most of you know me as an independent single girl, I've yet to feel like he is invading my space. So, God is good and has worked on my independent spirit to allow me to let this man that loves me unconditionally take care of me as well. Thanks be to God!

Blessings,
Christine

Let the journey begin!

Well, I've never blogged before, so this first post may be a bit rough. My hopes with this blog is that I will be able to sort out some of my thoughts about our first year of marriage. In the coming days I will give you our story and let you know how we got to now....Happily Ever After...
I'm excited and also a little apprehensive about what this will turn into, but as with every other aspect of my life, I'm ready to explore new territory!

Christine