Tuesday, October 20, 2009

the big mess....

You know those time in your life when you have a plan, and you can't wait until you see that plan come to life?

Then, out of the blue, the plan gets run through a blender and comes out a big jumbled mess.

That's where I am right now.

I have this big jumbled mess of a plan sitting before me and I have no freaking idea what to do with it. Part of me wants to scream and throw it everywhere, another part of me wants to shove it in a drawer and pretend it will just magically put itself back together and yet another part of me just wants to throw it away and forget the plan. Move to a different plan, forget this one ever crossed my mind. But, to my frustration none of these options seem to work. I've tried being angry and flinging my plan around, and I've tried ignoring it and pretending that everything is as it should be. I've even tried to forget about it, this is the option that brings the most frustration. I want to forget, be happy with what I have, enjoy the parts of my life that aren't a big pile of goo, but I can't.

And this makes me angry.

I have an amazing husband, and right now I'm consumed with my broken plan. I'm edgy, irritable, quiet. He wants to help with the plan, but he can't. Right now the reality is...it can't be fixed. It's broken, ruined, only bits of it remain recognizable.

Right now I'm beginning to resent the plan. I look back at pictures of when our life wasn't so focused on this plan and things seemed simpler, now there is complication, frustration and exhaustion. Now things are a big mess.

If I can say one positive thing about this mess its that during it all Jake and I have clung to each other, grown closer, love each other deeper. But, its still a big mess.

I hate messes, I hate this mess most of all.


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Sunday, September 27, 2009

CHICAGO is....My kind of town!

Well, we finally made it to Chicago. Wow, what a great trip. Jake has a lot and I mean a lot of family in Chicago so we were able to spend a lot of time with them. But Jake and I also got to explore Downtown Chicago with the help of his Uncle Brad and Grampa Pemberton.
This is a picture of Jake and I at Millennium Park, so beautiful. We were blessed to have a gorgeous day of weather.
We were able to go up into the Sears tower, well now its the Willis Tower, I'll post pictures on that experience later. It was awesome.
This is a picture of me, Jake's Mom and his two Aunts, Debbie and Cheryl. We were in a little town called Long Grove. It had the cutest little shops. So much holiday decorations and knick knacks...could have gone crazy...good thing I had restraint and limited luggage space :)The next couple of pictures are at Jake's Grandparents house. They have a beautiful home and it was a true blessing to see all of his family again. The last time I saw them was at our wedding. Needless to say, I didn't get to spend much time with them. I really can't express how awesome it was to be there. I've always wanted a big family and now I've married into one. It was a great time of fun and bonding.
The last picture is a picture of all of the grandchildren with Grandma and Grandpa Shoemaker. All but 2 grandchildren were at the house on Saturday. It was really amazing. Truthfully I can't wait to go back. Jake and I are already talking about a trip back.

There is another big family trip next June to Rockport, MA. I'm so excited. Jake hasn't been with his family for a long time. It was so great to see him with his cousins and see them reconnect. Such a loving and welcoming family. I knew God blessed me when he sent me Jake and his parents, but I had no idea what else came along with the deal.
Chicago is definitely my kind of town.


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Monday, August 10, 2009

Bigger....

So, recently I've had to be reminded that God is Bigger. Remember the job opportunity I posted about last time? Well, that door closed. So, I'm back to square one. I know that God is bigger than this. I am now faced with trusting that God knows my heart and knows that I need something different, I need less stress, less inconsistency and more stability. But God says "Not Now" and I know that he is bigger. He is bigger than my frustration and He is bigger than the knot in the pit of my stomach on Sunday nights from knowing that tomorrow I have to go back. He is bigger.
I tell myself that a lot these days. He is bigger than a lot of things. I have to remember that. I read a post from another blog today that hit home about this subject. Basically, whether our lives are "perfect" or whether they are in complete turmoil, we still have the opportunity to see the positive. We have a choice to continue to be grateful for what we have been given or focus on all that's wrong. This is difficult for me and always has been. Its always easier for me to wallow in the negative, feel sorry for myself and give up. But if God is bigger than my pity party, then I can be bigger too.
Well, at least I can try.....


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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Happenings....

Well, there has been a lot happening in our little part of the world, some exciting, some not all that exciting. Since I posted last Jake and I took a road trip to Colorado. We have family that has land up there and I used to spend a lot of my summers there. Its been several years since I've been there and Jake has never been. So, needless to say I think his first trip was a success. He saw Durango, Telluride and experienced fishing for the first time. He was such a good sport, and up for just about anything. He even took the gondula ride from Mountain Village down into the town of Telluride, for most of us this isn't a big deal, but Jake isn't much for heights. He didn't flinch. We spent time with some great friends and relaxed. It was just what we needed. I included some photos. More will come in later posts, especially the one of Jake fishing. He is now such the outdoorsman!



Work for Jake has picked up again which is a huge blessing and relief. Now we can get back on track with our get out of debt plan. Talking about work, last week an unexpected opportunity presented itself and I'm offically going for it. Now, I haven't had time to tell everyone the details yet, but it could be a move in a different direction away from the turmoil going on at my current place of employment. So, I could use prayers that my application goes smoothly and that all of the pieces fall into place. I've been ready for a move for a very long time, but with new changes happening at my current job, the desire to find something new has now turned into a need.

There is the quick update on our lives for now. Lots going on, life is busy, but life is Good!


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Sunday, May 17, 2009

And the second year begins.....

So, I realize I have been off the radar lately and that is for a few reasons.  One I haven't really had much to say...I know..its a miracle and secondly Jake and I have been crazy busy.  We have been back and forth for a few months about whether or not we would be going to Chicago with his family at the end of this month.  Unfortunately due to work being inconsistent in March we had to scrap that trip, but luckily we are definitely going in September, which I'm really excited about.  I've never been to Chicago, well, maybe I flew threw there on one of my trips to Connecticut, but I've never actually stepped foot on Chicago soil.  I'm anxious to do that.  Jake spent about 10 years of his life there and I'm excited to see where he came from.  We feel like we have known each other forever, but in reality there are still small parts of each others life we haven't seen.  This summer we are planning to go to Colorado, the small part of my life Jake has never seen.  I love it there, I'm sure he will as well.
We also got new carpet...YIPPEE!!!!  I love new carpet and since at some point we will sell the condo I was able to convince my sweet husband that new shiny carpet would help. Well, it didn't take much convincing.  It's beautiful and definitely worth the 2 weeks of up hevel we have been living in.  See, we were supposed to have it in 2 weeks ago, but it didn't come in when planned so we had been living in a house where parts of the carpet were torn up and nothing is in its right place.  Those of you that know me know that this particular type of disorganization does not work well with me.  But, now after 2 weeks and 3 nights at the in laws things are back to normal and more beautiful than before.  Its like I have a whole new home.  I'm thankful for that.  
The beginning of this second year has brought a lot more gratitude than I thought possible.  I was grateful before, but the ups and downs of the last 6 months has made be really focus on what I need as opposed to what I want.  Now, I didn't NEED new carpet, it was definitely a want, but that aside life's priorities are still shifting and I'm more focused on what I need on a daily basis as opposed to what I want.  Jake is a wonderful husband and in the last six months its been my job to remind him of that regardless of the circumstances.  I'm focusing more on how I can lift him up than find flaws.  I'm also so grateful for my friendships and my faith.  Both have pushed me through so many ups and downs in my life that now is no different.  
So, gratitude is again the feeling on my heart.  It wavers, but it never goes away.  
For that I will be forever....grateful.

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Reflection

1 year....I really can't believe it.  Sometimes I think back to when Jake and I met and really thank God that he can work miracles because as some of you know...that's what it took to get us where we are today.  

You see, for those of you that don't know, as much as I wanted to be married and live the "happily ever after" life when Jake walked into my life I FREAKED!  He would say I am being hard on my self by saying that.  But others of you know...its true.  See Jake was raised in a family that gives lots of affirmations and compliments. While  I always dreamed of being adored and found to be beautiful when Jake started telling me how beautiful he thought I was or how much I meant to him I thought he was...well...I thought he was crazy.  I never received those types of affirmations from any other man in my life, so it was weird and awkward to say the least and quite frankly I almost ran the other direction.  Lucky for me, God is good and Jake is patient.  

So hear we are, our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I'm not sure how to sum this year up.  I know some say that the first year of marriage can be the most difficult, and as much as I may want to conform and agree with that, I have to say for us it wasn't.  I'll stop for a moment so everyone can roll their eyes..done..ok, moving on.  We have had ups and downs, but none that caused me to question my decisions or the person that I make those decisions with.  We have been on a learning curve, but we are learning together.  Sure there are times when I have to take a deep breath and remember that its not just about me and this isn't just my home.  Its ours.  But overall we have had a great first year.  Its not been perfect, but I'm not sure either of us expected it to be.  We just wanted to be with each other, grow and build a life.
 
 Mission accomplished.  

For a long time I had made sure that my life wasn't "dependent" on anyone else.  I ensured that I was self sufficient and could do things for myself.  When I met Jake that was truly the hardest adjustment. While I've grown in this area there are still times when fear grips me and tells me that relying on someone doesn't ever end well, and my independence rears its ugly head and I will do something just to show Jake that I can...to show him that I AM CAPABLE.  He just laughs shakes his head and lets me have my moment.  This response reminds me that I'm being silly and that I need to continue to surrender not only to my sweet husband, but to God and the gift he gave me in Jake.  

We are by no means done learning about each other, nor are we done growing, but I think we have gotten off to a good start.  I'm so excited to see what our future holds, this year and the many years to come.  

So, we celebrated all weekend.  I included a few pictures, one of us from the melting pot...awesome experience by the way and then a couple from this morning.  Taken in the truck waiting at Coffee Bean on the way to church.  Not sure why I wanted to take those, but they are fun. 




We are off on to another years journey.  I will keep everyone updated on the happenings in our little corner of the world.  


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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Zoo Trip

Well, Jake and I have been trying to get to the zoo for weeks.  We of course picked this weekend to go, the one weekend that it was raining!  But we got sooo blessed and even though it sprinkled for a little bit when we arrived it eventually cleared up and we enjoyed the perfect day.  Here I am petting the stingray's.  It was seriously the coolest thing, they just came right up to you.


Here is Jake petting the stingray's.  He looks so handsome.  We has so much fun. 

Here is another one of me, the only bummer of the day was that we didn't get any pictures of the two of us.  
We seriously had the best day, we have been really trying to get out more and do stuff that isn't just seeing a movie and coming home. This was number one on our list, our next one might be a trip to Sedona or Flagstaff.  There really is so much around us that is beautiful and we need to get out and see it.  Here is Jake with the Giraffe's well, there is only one giraffe in the picture but they were everywhere.  Jake also took a lot of pictures of the spider monkey's.  They were so close, it was a little freaky at first, but it ended up being very cool.  I'll post those pictures later.
After the zoo Jake and I went to Saturday night service at CCV.  It was great.  It was the perfect end to a wonderful day. 
I hope everyone has a blessed Easter!


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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Celebration

Friday was Jake's birthday.  We have celebrated all weekend.  Friday night we went to Benihana, if you've never been and you like Asian food I would definitely recommend it.  It is an Asian restaurant where they cook the food in front of you.  It was great!  Jake had such a good time and is still talking about it.  I was so glad that it was a good time for him.  One of my big fears is always making big plans and then those plans not living up to the expectations, but this did.  Here a picture of the evening.  They took this at the restaurant and gave it to us for FREE.

It really was a great night.  We went to lunch with Jake's parents on Saturday and continued the celebration.  It really has been a great weekend.

This month actually signifies more celebration for us.  In just 2 weeks we will have been married for 1 year!!  I can't really believe it.  It seems like longer but in the good way, not in the oh my gosh who did I marry way.  I really do feel like I have known Jake my entire life.  In reality we have known each other for a little over 2 years.  I know I've gloated about him over this past year several times, and I'd like to tell you that now that we've been married for a year that will stop, but...it won't.  He continues to be an amazing husband, and a wonderful friend.

  So, brace yourselves for more bragging. 
 
Our first year together has been amazing and I will write more about that as it gets closer.  We continue to be blessed and I'm sure our next year...years will be equally wonderful.  We have faced trials this year, and I'm sure we will continue to, but its nice to know that when those trials come I have Jake by my side.  

Happy Birthday Honey!



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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Hills and Valleys.....

Before I start this post I need to make an introduction, most of you know him, but for the few that don't this is my baby brother Vince.

I'm including him in this post because he has been on my mind so much lately and while I feel a little apprehensive sharing this here, its been on my mind for a long time and in my heart even longer.  So, this is my sweet brother and he is no longer with me.
  
Now on to the title of the post.  I'm a therapist, I work with women and girls everyday helping them manage their emotions find new ways to deal with their pain and have a better more balanced life.  I know how to teach someone to deal with grief, but the truth of the matter is there is no sure fire way to "deal" with grief.  Believe me I've tried.  I've used the rules on myself and the whole time I kept thinking what a bunch of hooey it was.  Now, don't misunderstand me, the stages of grief are real, I've experienced all of them multiple times and continue to experience them.  Hence the title of the post.  I am heading to a valley of this process.  Its been 3 years and all the crap that people say about  time healing  the pain, well its just that....a bunch of crap.  My theory is that time doesn't heal the pain, you just manage to find other ways to deal with it, or have other things that help you not focus on it every second of the day.  Now this may not be a surprise to any of you, but I felt the need to share it anyway. 

 I have been blessed in the years since Vince died, so in times, like now, when I am angry and sad and missing the sound of his voice I feel guilt.  I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be OK, but the truth is, sometimes I'm not.  Even with all I'm blessed with I want my brother back.  I want to be able to make new memories with him, I want him to meet Jake...God they would be so annoying together:)  So, I'm in a valley.  I know I will climb out and be on the hill top again and somehow all of this will make some sense, but right now it doesn't and I wish it did.  

My life is good.

I am Blessed.

My faith in God is STRONG.

I miss my Brother. 

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Sunday, February 22, 2009

God says I told you so....

Well, as many of you know the last several months at work has been less than great and that is being kind.  But oddly in the last 2 weeks the tides have changed.  I had some time off for my birthday and then I had to do some training at our main facility, 2 different days over the past 2 weeks and truthfully it couldn't have come at a better time.  I was not really looking forward to taking on more responsibility, however I was definitely up for learning new things to change things up a bit.  My caseload at work shifted as well.  Several particularly difficult patients left and being able to go back to my old stomping grounds and be reminded that I am good at what I do was really a gift from God.  So while I still struggle with wanting other things in my life, right now God has once again come in and calmed my restless heart.  It was just the refocus and rejuvenation I needed.  
I'm continually surprised at God's ability to step in just when things seem their worst.  God has done this many times in my life so it speaks to my level of stubbornness that I am still surprised when He answers prayers in ways that are different than what I have requested but somehow better than what I could have wanted.  I believe with all my heart that God knows what we need even when we don't or more specifically we don't want what we need we want what we WANT.  Its in those moments that its hard to see God's blessing, but we have to realize we have been blessed nonetheless.  Would I have preferred God allow Jake and I to win the lottery so I could quit my job and live a life of leisure, heck ya!  God knows however that there is a better plan out there and it once again comes down waiting on His timing not mine.  
So, now I'm grateful that God has brought about renewal in me to continue His work with my patients and will wait patiently for what He has planned next.

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

He's just not that into you...

Well, Jake and I went to see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" for part of our Valentine's date night.  It was a cute movie and filled with a lot of harsh truths.  Honestly, I wish this movie had come out a whole lot sooner.  I felt so embarrassed for one of the main characters mostly because I remember the days that I used to do a lot of things she did to try to understand the guys I was interested in. The staring at the phone the reading into every comment made or even the comments that weren't made.  It was insane!!!    I left the theater feeling so grateful to have found Jake when I did.  He tries so hard everyday to be the best husband he can be and he does a great job.  He manages my mood swings easily and always knows how to make me laugh.  There are days when I just can't thank God enough for sending him to me.  So after watching this hilarious movie I was able to breathe a sigh of relief not only for finding Jake but in him finding a husband that will never stray or dare I say do anything with intention to hurt me.  I'll admit that fully trusting has always been a problem for me, but the longer we are married the more I trust, not just him, but in us and what we have found.  So, thanks for listening to this mushy post about how thankful I am for my sweet husband and our almost 1 year of marriage.  God has truly blessed us.  

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Monday, February 9, 2009

Home Sweet Home


We have made it home from not so sunny California.  It was a great trip even though it rained the entire, yes I mean entire time we were there.  Here is Jake waiting in line for "Its a Small World", I'm not sure he'd want me broadcasting that he willingly went on that particular ride...but I guess its too late for that now isn't it?
Even though it was a wet trip it was still a great way to spend my birthday.  We met up with Steven and Susan and their little girl...here she is...isn't she the cutest?
It was great to catch up with them and a nice way to take a break from the weather.  And we celebrated my 35Th birthday...Ugh...35, is it weird I still feel 18?  
I got my very own Happy Birthday button, truthfully the only reason I wanted to go to the park on my birthday.  All in all it was wonderful to be away and spend time together.  One small disturbing thing happened while we were gone though.  I had given myself permission to drink Coke while I was at Disneyland.  I was so excited, I had a full on Coca-Cola binge planned, but oddly enough when I did drink it, I only had one, no refills no 32oz ( a new addition at DL by the way), just the normal size coke.  What is wrong with me.  Even on my birthday, only one refill, I never thought the day would come when I would willingly drink coke in moderation.  I guess old age does strange things to people.  I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore...ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but something new and different none the less.  So, now I'm back to no Coke and oddly I'm ok with it, not loving it but ok.  Who am I?????

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Sunday, February 1, 2009

4 Days and counting!

Ok, so in four days Jake and I will be on a plane headed for Anaheim, Ca and the happiest place on earth-Disneyland!  Words can not express how excited I am.  Sure I'm excited about the park, we haven't been since last June and I could you a few good spins on Big thunder mountain and a nice fall from the Tower of terror, but mostly I'm just excited to be getting the heck out of dodge.  As I've shared, work has been so stressful for me, Jake and his Dad have been working a big job that has required early mornings and late nights.  It will definitely be so nice to not have pressures or responsibilities for the weekend.  I'm also super excited because I'll actually be at the park on my birthday, its never happened before and it will just add to the fun and maybe lighten the sting of my 35Th...UGH!  We are also meeting up with some friends while there so it will be a time for us to catch up with them.  So, even though right now I'm checking my phone constantly because I'm on call, in a few hours it will be Monday and that responsibility will be given to someone else and all I will have to do is get through 3 days of appointments and groups and then I will be a free woman for 4 whole days!  
Needless to say these next few days will go by slowly, but I know I can persevere and make it...wow that sounded really dramatic.  Apparently I have a hidden flair for drama...who knew?
I'll be sure to post photos when we get back, I'm sure we will take plenty.

Oh....and....

 GO CARDINALS!!!!!!!

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Staying the Course

I know I've posted in the past about how I'm struggling with work.  I'd like to say this is a post about how things have turned around and I'm just totally happy and content with my job, well its not that kind of post. 
 Things are still not good.  There is still pressure to extend patients in order to keep revenue coming in and on top of that I have a caseload full of drug users who, yep you guessed, found a way to use drugs while in treatment.  Its fantastic!  For those of you who don't know me well, that last comment was pure sarcasm.  I keep praying that God would continue to give me the strength to do what I do.  But I can't help ignore the fact that my heart just isn't in it anymore.  That's not to say that I don't have moments when the old fire is there, but those are rare these days.  
I'm saying all of this because while all of this is true I was reminded in church today that God calls us to do things and while He uses our gifts in these situations, He also calls us to make sacrifices.  So, I know that this is only a season, and that other things are around the corner, so I need prayer to stay the course.  As each Monday approaches I feel a sense of doom, starting tomorrow I'm going to try to approach each week with gratitude for a job.  Jake and I are really focusing on getting out of debt, with my salary we can do that faster.  So, for now I sacrifice so that in the future Jake and I can have a worry free life.  And truthfully that is totally worth any sacrifice I might have to make.

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Renewal

As much as I love Christmas and the holiday season and as much as I enjoy the cold weather something happens to me when its cold out.  I start feeling stuffy and closed in, things that I normally pay close attention to are let go....like my little toes.  Pedicures aren't quite a priority when its cold out, not sure who made that rule or more importantly why I'm following it but I do.  But I got a pedicure this weekend and I feel renewed.  Maybe it was the facial that went along with it or maybe it was the company(one of our best ideas yet Lees), but I feel fresh this week.  Some other things have changed as well, most of you will probably fall out of your chairs when I say this but I'm going on 2 weeks, that's right 14 days without Coke.  I miss it dearly, its a true treat that I enjoy, but this was one change that I've never been able to make, in the past I've always stopped drinking Coke and started drinking Coke Zero or Diet...YUCK!  But not this time.  Only ice tea, no soda.  Oh, how I miss it.  But I'm also pretty proud of myself, I really didn't think I could do it, but apparently I can...yea Me!  
So, not only did my outside get an early spring spruce up, so did my insides.  So, now since we are having a bit of a warming trend this week I can wear my flip flops proudly and my toes are pretty!  
I've made sure to let Jake know that from now on pedicures need to find a place into the budget because they are so fabulous! 

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Saturday, January 10, 2009

A New Year

Its hard to believe that this time last year I was anxiously awaiting our Wedding.  It seems just like yesterday that the preparations began, but truthfully its been almost a year.  Crazy!  
Our new year started off quietly since both of us were under the weather.  I'm not sure I would have done anything differently even if we were feeling better.  As most of you know Vince died New years day, so new years is just one of those days for me.  This year I had been rather quiet about Vince but my sweet husband was on top of it.  When I got home from work New years eve a beautiful vase of roses was waiting for me.  It was a wonderfully thoughtful act, one that I'll admit I did not expect.  I guess that even though he lost a brother as well, I never expect him to be thinking about it as much as I do.  But I know he does.  It is things like that that bring me to my knees and thank God everyday for the precious man he sent me.
Last year our lives were centered around the wedding, this year we are excited to continue to work on getting out of debt and getting back in shape.  There is always a ton of talk about the freshman 15, but no one warns you about the newlywed black hole.  All this bliss can do a number on your figure :)  I wouldn't trade it though, a few extra pounds is a small price to pay for the happiness I'm experiencing.   We are also branching out and joining a community group at our church.  This is a stretch for us, but we are committed and want to get connected in church not just show up on Sundays.  
So, as we begin the 2nd week of the new year we look forward to all the exciting things God has in store and the new people we will meet.  The other thing I'm doing right now is reading The Shack.  Its such a great book and truthfully I wish I had it after Vince died.  It definitely makes you think.  I'm not even half through and its difficult to put it down, its been a while since a book has held my attention like that.  
Well, I know this has been a rambling post, but what better way to start a new year of blogging:)


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