the big mess....

You know those time in your life when you have a plan, and you can't wait until you see that plan come to life?

Then, out of the blue, the plan gets run through a blender and comes out a big jumbled mess.

That's where I am right now.

I have this big jumbled mess of a plan sitting before me and I have no freaking idea what to do with it. Part of me wants to scream and throw it everywhere, another part of me wants to shove it in a drawer and pretend it will just magically put itself back together and yet another part of me just wants to throw it away and forget the plan. Move to a different plan, forget this one ever crossed my mind. But, to my frustration none of these options seem to work. I've tried being angry and flinging my plan around, and I've tried ignoring it and pretending that everything is as it should be. I've even tried to forget about it, this is the option that brings the most frustration. I want to forget, be happy with what I have, enjoy the parts of my life that aren't a big pile of goo, but I can't.

And this makes me angry.

I have an amazing husband, and right now I'm consumed with my broken plan. I'm edgy, irritable, quiet. He wants to help with the plan, but he can't. Right now the reality is...it can't be fixed. It's broken, ruined, only bits of it remain recognizable.

Right now I'm beginning to resent the plan. I look back at pictures of when our life wasn't so focused on this plan and things seemed simpler, now there is complication, frustration and exhaustion. Now things are a big mess.

If I can say one positive thing about this mess its that during it all Jake and I have clung to each other, grown closer, love each other deeper. But, its still a big mess.

I hate messes, I hate this mess most of all.