New Perspectives....

So, as we begin a new year I'm faced with some new feelings. For the past 4 years I have dreaded the new year, mostly because there is one new year in particular that is forever burned into my memory. I have for the last four years, hidden and wished for the day to go by...quickly. This year, however, I held my head high, let the tears come and said "bring it on 2010!" What is the reason for my new found courage at facing the new year....nothing really spectacular, it mostly has to do with the ups and downs of 2009 and the disappointments that has come with that, the uncertainty at work and the dissatisfaction with my job and the inconsistencies with Jake's work, and family illnesses. And then of course there is the "big mess" from my last very long ago post.

I am ready for 2010 not because I think it is the magic year that everything is going to be "perfect" I simply see it as a fresh start. Hope I guess. Because to be honest, by the middle of December 2009 I didn't have much hope left. God and I were in the middle of a pretty good fire side chat, and I wasn't sure how the conversation was going to end. I knew how it "should" end, but the emotional part of me wanted it to end with me saying forget it and doing things my way. Now, I realize this is never a good idea, but at the time...it seemed like a good plan. Lucky for all involved that is not how the conversation ended.

I could hear God whispering to be patient, and as I've mentioned before this is always a area that I've struggled with. However, I think God and I are gonna be OK. Actually, I know we will. I know that the things that have occurred this year have a purpose, and I am committed to trusting God to see this through.

So, for me 2010 means hope. Hope that we get second, third, fourth chances. Hope that what transpired in 2009 will not be in vain, hope that Jake and I will get the one desire of our hearts that seems out of reach right now.

Hope and knowledge that God is Sovereign, He never leaves, nor does he promise life will be easy, but He does promise that we will be OK.

As we look ahead at 2010, we get refocused. We want to continue to be healthy and get out of the house more to help make that happen. We want to get more involved with our church and a small group. I personally want to grow stronger in my relationship with God and focus on trusting him more.

While these are not resolutions...I personally don't believe in them, they are statements of faith and I would ask for accountability from all of you for these things. Its easy when possibilities seem endless to be hopeful, but when things get difficult or disappointment creeps in it makes it more difficult to stay on track. So, prayers would be great.

I hope the new year brings everyone a new sense of hope and may you all be blessed this year!

the big mess....

You know those time in your life when you have a plan, and you can't wait until you see that plan come to life?

Then, out of the blue, the plan gets run through a blender and comes out a big jumbled mess.

That's where I am right now.

I have this big jumbled mess of a plan sitting before me and I have no freaking idea what to do with it. Part of me wants to scream and throw it everywhere, another part of me wants to shove it in a drawer and pretend it will just magically put itself back together and yet another part of me just wants to throw it away and forget the plan. Move to a different plan, forget this one ever crossed my mind. But, to my frustration none of these options seem to work. I've tried being angry and flinging my plan around, and I've tried ignoring it and pretending that everything is as it should be. I've even tried to forget about it, this is the option that brings the most frustration. I want to forget, be happy with what I have, enjoy the parts of my life that aren't a big pile of goo, but I can't.

And this makes me angry.

I have an amazing husband, and right now I'm consumed with my broken plan. I'm edgy, irritable, quiet. He wants to help with the plan, but he can't. Right now the reality is...it can't be fixed. It's broken, ruined, only bits of it remain recognizable.

Right now I'm beginning to resent the plan. I look back at pictures of when our life wasn't so focused on this plan and things seemed simpler, now there is complication, frustration and exhaustion. Now things are a big mess.

If I can say one positive thing about this mess its that during it all Jake and I have clung to each other, grown closer, love each other deeper. But, its still a big mess.

I hate messes, I hate this mess most of all.

CHICAGO is....My kind of town!

Well, we finally made it to Chicago. Wow, what a great trip. Jake has a lot and I mean a lot of family in Chicago so we were able to spend a lot of time with them. But Jake and I also got to explore Downtown Chicago with the help of his Uncle Brad and Grampa Pemberton.

This is a picture of Jake and I at Millennium Park, so beautiful. We were blessed to have a gorgeous day of weather.

We were able to go up into the Sears tower, well now its the Willis Tower, I'll post pictures on that experience later. It was awesome.
This is a picture of me, Jake's Mom and his two Aunts, Debbie and Cheryl. We were in a little town called Long Grove. It had the cutest little shops. So much holiday decorations and knick knacks...could have gone crazy...good thing I had restraint and limited luggage space :)The next couple of pictures are at Jake's Grandparents house. They have a beautiful home and it was a true blessing to see all of his family again. The last time I saw them was at our wedding. Needless to say, I didn't get to spend much time with them. I really can't express how awesome it was to be there. I've always wanted a big family and now I've married into one. It was a great time of fun and bonding.
The last picture is a picture of all of the grandchildren with Grandma and Grandpa Shoemaker. All but 2 grandchildren were at the house on Saturday. It was really amazing. Truthfully I can't wait to go back. Jake and I are already talking about a trip back.

There is another big family trip next June to Rockport, MA. I'm so excited. Jake hasn't been with his family for a long time. It was so great to see him with his cousins and see them reconnect. Such a loving and welcoming family. I knew God blessed me when he sent me Jake and his parents, but I had no idea what else came along with the deal.

Chicago is definitely my kind of town.

Bigger....

So, recently I've had to be reminded that God is Bigger. Remember the job opportunity I posted about last time? Well, that door closed. So, I'm back to square one. I know that God is bigger than this. I am now faced with trusting that God knows my heart and knows that I need something different, I need less stress, less inconsistency and more stability. But God says "Not Now" and I know that he is bigger. He is bigger than my frustration and He is bigger than the knot in the pit of my stomach on Sunday nights from knowing that tomorrow I have to go back. He is bigger.

I tell myself that a lot these days. He is bigger than a lot of things. I have to remember that. I read a post from another blog today that hit home about this subject. Basically, whether our lives are "perfect" or whether they are in complete turmoil, we still have the opportunity to see the positive. We have a choice to continue to be grateful for what we have been given or focus on all that's wrong. This is difficult for me and always has been. Its always easier for me to wallow in the negative, feel sorry for myself and give up. But if God is bigger than my pity party, then I can be bigger too.

Well, at least I can try.....

Happenings....

Well, there has been a lot happening in our little part of the world, some exciting, some not all that exciting. Since I posted last Jake and I took a road trip to Colorado. We have family that has land up there and I used to spend a lot of my summers there. Its been several years since I've been there and Jake has never been. So, needless to say I think his first trip was a success. He saw Durango, Telluride and experienced fishing for the first time. He was such a good sport, and up for just about anything. He even took the gondula ride from Mountain Village down into the town of Telluride, for most of us this isn't a big deal, but Jake isn't much for heights. He didn't flinch. We spent time with some great friends and relaxed. It was just what we needed. I included some photos. More will come in later posts, especially the one of Jake fishing. He is now such the outdoorsman!



Work for Jake has picked up again which is a huge blessing and relief. Now we can get back on track with our get out of debt plan. Talking about work, last week an unexpected opportunity presented itself and I'm offically going for it. Now, I haven't had time to tell everyone the details yet, but it could be a move in a different direction away from the turmoil going on at my current place of employment. So, I could use prayers that my application goes smoothly and that all of the pieces fall into place. I've been ready for a move for a very long time, but with new changes happening at my current job, the desire to find something new has now turned into a need.

There is the quick update on our lives for now. Lots going on, life is busy, but life is Good!

And the second year begins.....

So, I realize I have been off the radar lately and that is for a few reasons.  One I haven't really had much to say...I know..its a miracle and secondly Jake and I have been crazy busy.  We have been back and forth for a few months about whether or not we would be going to Chicago with his family at the end of this month.  Unfortunately due to work being inconsistent in March we had to scrap that trip, but luckily we are definitely going in September, which I'm really excited about.  I've never been to Chicago, well, maybe I flew threw there on one of my trips to Connecticut, but I've never actually stepped foot on Chicago soil.  I'm anxious to do that.  Jake spent about 10 years of his life there and I'm excited to see where he came from.  We feel like we have known each other forever, but in reality there are still small parts of each others life we haven't seen.  This summer we are planning to go to Colorado, the small part of my life Jake has never seen.  I love it there, I'm sure he will as well.

We also got new carpet...YIPPEE!!!!  I love new carpet and since at some point we will sell the condo I was able to convince my sweet husband that new shiny carpet would help. Well, it didn't take much convincing.  It's beautiful and definitely worth the 2 weeks of up hevel we have been living in.  See, we were supposed to have it in 2 weeks ago, but it didn't come in when planned so we had been living in a house where parts of the carpet were torn up and nothing is in its right place.  Those of you that know me know that this particular type of disorganization does not work well with me.  But, now after 2 weeks and 3 nights at the in laws things are back to normal and more beautiful than before.  Its like I have a whole new home.  I'm thankful for that.  

The beginning of this second year has brought a lot more gratitude than I thought possible.  I was grateful before, but the ups and downs of the last 6 months has made be really focus on what I need as opposed to what I want.  Now, I didn't NEED new carpet, it was definitely a want, but that aside life's priorities are still shifting and I'm more focused on what I need on a daily basis as opposed to what I want.  Jake is a wonderful husband and in the last six months its been my job to remind him of that regardless of the circumstances.  I'm focusing more on how I can lift him up than find flaws.  I'm also so grateful for my friendships and my faith.  Both have pushed me through so many ups and downs in my life that now is no different.  

So, gratitude is again the feeling on my heart.  It wavers, but it never goes away.  

For that I will be forever....grateful.

Reflection

1 year....I really can't believe it.  Sometimes I think back to when Jake and I met and really thank God that he can work miracles because as some of you know...that's what it took to get us where we are today.  

You see, for those of you that don't know, as much as I wanted to be married and live the "happily ever after" life when Jake walked into my life I FREAKED!  He would say I am being hard on my self by saying that.  But others of you know...its true.  See Jake was raised in a family that gives lots of affirmations and compliments. While  I always dreamed of being adored and found to be beautiful when Jake started telling me how beautiful he thought I was or how much I meant to him I thought he was...well...I thought he was crazy.  I never received those types of affirmations from any other man in my life, so it was weird and awkward to say the least and quite frankly I almost ran the other direction.  Lucky for me, God is good and Jake is patient.  

So hear we are, our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I'm not sure how to sum this year up.  I know some say that the first year of marriage can be the most difficult, and as much as I may want to conform and agree with that, I have to say for us it wasn't.  I'll stop for a moment so everyone can roll their eyes..done..ok, moving on.  We have had ups and downs, but none that caused me to question my decisions or the person that I make those decisions with.  We have been on a learning curve, but we are learning together.  Sure there are times when I have to take a deep breath and remember that its not just about me and this isn't just my home.  Its ours.  But overall we have had a great first year.  Its not been perfect, but I'm not sure either of us expected it to be.  We just wanted to be with each other, grow and build a life.

 

 Mission accomplished.  

For a long time I had made sure that my life wasn't "dependent" on anyone else.  I ensured that I was self sufficient and could do things for myself.  When I met Jake that was truly the hardest adjustment. While I've grown in this area there are still times when fear grips me and tells me that relying on someone doesn't ever end well, and my independence rears its ugly head and I will do something just to show Jake that I can...to show him that I AM CAPABLE.  He just laughs shakes his head and lets me have my moment.  This response reminds me that I'm being silly and that I need to continue to surrender not only to my sweet husband, but to God and the gift he gave me in Jake.  

We are by no means done learning about each other, nor are we done growing, but I think we have gotten off to a good start.  I'm so excited to see what our future holds, this year and the many years to come.  

So, we celebrated all weekend.  I included a few pictures, one of us from the melting pot...awesome experience by the way and then a couple from this morning.  Taken in the truck waiting at Coffee Bean on the way to church.  Not sure why I wanted to take those, but they are fun. 

We are off on to another years journey.  I will keep everyone updated on the happenings in our little corner of the world.