Let the countdown begin!

Well, I will first apologize for not posting more often. Things have been really busy, for all good reasons, and I know they will only continue to be busy. As of Friday I have 6 weeks left, seems so surreal as this time last year we were spending our nights at the hospital with Jake's Dad and we were about to experience yet another bump in our road to being parents. Its odd to look back and see that what we were dealing with and preparing for then is so much different than what we are preparing for now.

The nursery is done, the major needs have been purchased, all the classes have been taken, and now we wait. We wait for Ayden to arrive. I'm so excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I'm no fool and I completely understand that my life will never be the same, its already so different than it was just 34 weeks ago. My holiday will look different too, instead of our living room transforming into a Christmas spectacular, a pack in play sits where the tree would normally go and the reality that I'm just not in a place to do the decorating is beginning to set in. I made the decision to not do the tree. Mostly this is due to the level of control that I um..demand...over it. Jake has been amazing; cleaning, cooking, doing everything to make things easier for me. Putting up our tree, while so special and important to me, is not one of the areas I will ask him to sacrifice. Again, partly due to the fear that my level of criticism over how it "should" be done, would be just a bit over the top at this point. So, instead of seeing our tree and house in all its holiday glory, we will wait for the greatest gift of all, our Son. I know that this is the best decision, as the idea of taking down said decorations with a baby that is only a few days old to take care of is well...maddening.

I also want Jake and I to enjoy our last few days as us, as we have been since the beginning. We are both so ready to be parents, but also must continue to make time for us to be husband and wife, then mom and dad.

So, we continue to wait, on paper 6 weeks seems like a long time, but in reality, its just not. I only have a couple of weeks of work left, which I can't wait for. I mean really, really, really, can't wait for. I've been so appreciative of all the support and prayers through these last 8 months, they have meant a lot. I still have my moments of anxiety, but for the most part feel that the anxiety I have left is in the "normal" range.

So, as the weeks tick by I ask for continued prayers. Most of you know I'm not a patient person, but this is one time I want to savor every moment between now and the day Ayden arrives. I don't want to miss a thing!!!

Introducing.......

Ayden Jacob Pemberton.....

Can't wait to meet you :)

Reality

When I got married I swore to myself that I was going to write a book about what it was like to be engaged and document the first year of marriage. I think my primary goal in this was to give hope to those future brides out there that only got the "enjoy the honeymoon, it won't last long" and "that first year will be the toughest". I hated that. I must admit that most of these platitudes came from fellow Christians. I was annoyed to say the least. So now that I am approaching my 18th week of pregnancy I feel like writing a book about what its REALLY like to be preggo.

Now hear me, I am grateful beyond belief for this experience, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I find it ironic that when you are pregnant instead of people saying," you know its a blessing, but the gas it horrible" or "your child will be a wonderful gift, but those swollen feet are a pain in the butt", I get....enjoy it, or its just part of the territory, be thankful.

And I am. But I'm also uncomfortable, hot and jonesing to sleep on my stomach so bad its all I can think about at 3 o'clock in the morning when I am getting up for the 15th time to pee. I'm not a crier, I mean, I cry, but most of the time its my last resort. The last 4 months have been a tear fest. Anything triggers it, commercials, tv shows and spilling something on myself. I just cry. Poor Jake, he's not seen this side of me. Well, a little as we were working to be parents, but at least then I had reasons to cry...now...not so much.

I just want to restate that I am so unbelievably happy to be pregnant and am blessed that God has given me this gift, but the irony is hard to ignore. The one time in your life when you need rest and nourishment is the one time you can't sleep the way you want when you aren't in the bathroom and the list of foods you can't eat is 3 pages long. How I long for a turkey and provolone sub. Doesn't seem like a big request..but it is.

So, I'm beginning to take notes on my next dream book, there are a few already out there, but boy do I have some new information for the masses.

Yep its true!!!!

Well, as you can see from my rockin' new blog, Jake and I are expecting our first child in January. The last 16 weeks have been filled with tears, excitement and if you know me, lots of worry. I'm working hard on handing this child and this experience over to God, but the road to parenthood has not been an easy one for us, so that complicates things a little. However, as the weeks go by I am overcome with a growing sense of Joy and Hope. So even though worry still creeps in, I'm still enjoying the experience. As we go through this journey I will keep you all updated on how things go and even post pictures of our little one when we get some. I may even along the way share some of what Jake and I have been through in the last year, so brace yourselves. So, this is my long awaited post, well maybe not long awaited, but definitely long overdue. I re-read my last post and gosh, I'm amazed at how hopeful I was at the beginning of the year. I only hope that I will get back to that place of childlike hope and trust. But right now..I think I have to pee.

New Perspectives....

So, as we begin a new year I'm faced with some new feelings. For the past 4 years I have dreaded the new year, mostly because there is one new year in particular that is forever burned into my memory. I have for the last four years, hidden and wished for the day to go by...quickly. This year, however, I held my head high, let the tears come and said "bring it on 2010!" What is the reason for my new found courage at facing the new year....nothing really spectacular, it mostly has to do with the ups and downs of 2009 and the disappointments that has come with that, the uncertainty at work and the dissatisfaction with my job and the inconsistencies with Jake's work, and family illnesses. And then of course there is the "big mess" from my last very long ago post.

I am ready for 2010 not because I think it is the magic year that everything is going to be "perfect" I simply see it as a fresh start. Hope I guess. Because to be honest, by the middle of December 2009 I didn't have much hope left. God and I were in the middle of a pretty good fire side chat, and I wasn't sure how the conversation was going to end. I knew how it "should" end, but the emotional part of me wanted it to end with me saying forget it and doing things my way. Now, I realize this is never a good idea, but at the time...it seemed like a good plan. Lucky for all involved that is not how the conversation ended.

I could hear God whispering to be patient, and as I've mentioned before this is always a area that I've struggled with. However, I think God and I are gonna be OK. Actually, I know we will. I know that the things that have occurred this year have a purpose, and I am committed to trusting God to see this through.

So, for me 2010 means hope. Hope that we get second, third, fourth chances. Hope that what transpired in 2009 will not be in vain, hope that Jake and I will get the one desire of our hearts that seems out of reach right now.

Hope and knowledge that God is Sovereign, He never leaves, nor does he promise life will be easy, but He does promise that we will be OK.

As we look ahead at 2010, we get refocused. We want to continue to be healthy and get out of the house more to help make that happen. We want to get more involved with our church and a small group. I personally want to grow stronger in my relationship with God and focus on trusting him more.

While these are not resolutions...I personally don't believe in them, they are statements of faith and I would ask for accountability from all of you for these things. Its easy when possibilities seem endless to be hopeful, but when things get difficult or disappointment creeps in it makes it more difficult to stay on track. So, prayers would be great.

I hope the new year brings everyone a new sense of hope and may you all be blessed this year!