Captivating

This is going to be an interesting post, so bear with me.  Those of you that have known me for a while know that I have had a "hate/hate" relationship with my body.  Those of you that don't me that well are about to.  I'd like to say that as a professional therapist I got past my body image struggles years ago, but if I said that I'd be lying.  The majority of my life has been spent putting myself down and being really hard on my body.  I'm constantly trying to find ways to cut back or new motivations to get to the gym, but looking back on my life something occurred to me.  No matter how "thin" I was, it was never enough, in that moment I was still terribly unhappy with the body that God gave me.  The past month has been interesting for me.  Teaching body image to adult women I am realizing that I'm a hypocrite.  I'm encouraging them to appreciate the bodies that God gave them, when I am constantly berating mine.  The realization that I came to was this; until I embrace the body that God gave me I'm never going to be happy with it.  And as I was talking to a friend recently I realized that as tired as I am of being focused on my body, I'm even more tired of being negative about my body.  

God created me, it says so in Psalm 139, He created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Why is that not enough?  I used to think that if I was thinner I'd get a boyfriend, well, what does God do?  He brings Jake into my life at a time when I'm not sure I've felt worse about myself, and Jake falls in love with me anyway.  Now I have a husband who sees me the way God does....Captivating.  When I think about the look on my sweet Saviors face the day He made me it brings tears to my eyes.  If I allow myself to listen closely I can hear Him whisper:

Exquisite....

Beautiful...

Perfect...

Captivating....  

And as sure as I am that my Savior rejoiced the day he created me, He created my husband to love me unconditionally just as I am.  And while that is difficult for me to accept at times I am also realizing that the love I see in Jake's eyes when he looks at me is only a fraction of the love my Savior has for me.  But He brought Jake into my life to help me realize that beauty is not the size in the back of my jeans or how many times I get to the gym or even how much Coke I drink during the day.  Beauty is my heart, my faith and my soul, those are the things that are going to make me beautiful...captivating.

So, I've written all this to say that I'm throwing in the towel.  I'm giving up the fight.  I'm not giving up on being healthy, I'm simply giving up on being unhealthy in my thoughts and words about my body.  God created every curve, every line, and I will work diligently to thank God every day for this body and while I know at times it will be tough, I am committed to loving me for me and seeing myself the way that God and my sweet husband see me.

So, I ask for prayer, this will be a hard habit to break.

Milestone

Well, this weekend I went to Lake Arrowhead to see my friend Susan and her new little girl.  It was a good trip and a nice break from the heat.  The weather was so nice, words can't describe.  I actually wore a sweater outside, not inside because the air is too low.  What this trip also meant was that for the first time since Jake and I were married we would be sleeping in separate beds in separate states.  I'll admit that at first I didn't really think much of leaving.  I've done it dozens of times before, it was just another trip to Cali; until Friday morning at the airport.  He dropped me off and unloaded my bag and it happened, I started to cry.  It was only 2 days, but the realization that I was going to miss him hit me like a ton of bricks.  Now it wasn't hysterical crying or anything like that, but tears none the less.  Like I said the weekend was great, I had fun with my friends and enjoyed holding the new baby and playing with her.  I would like to go back at some point, hopefully soon.  But it was definitely different, leaving Jake here and not having him there at bedtime.   It was one more reminder that my life is completely different, in all the good ways.  When I got off the plane and saw him waiting for me the tears came again, (Gosh, I'm sounding like such a wimp, what has happened to me?) the realization of how happy I am in my marriage, in the condo and with my new job is overwhelming at times.  Not that there won't be times of trial, but as I teach my patients I'm working on living in the moment, focusing on the fact that I'm happy, not worrying about when the other shoe will drop.   

I wouldn't have traded the weekend for anything, not only did I have a good time with my friends, but I also got to come home to a wonderful husband :)

Prayer Request:  This Friday my application for Licensed Professional Counselor will go in front of the committee for recommendation for licensure.  Please pray that they don't find any other reasons to delay my application and I will be able to finally be done with this process.  If it gets recommended for licensure then on the 5Th of Sept, it will go in front of the Board and my license will be granted.  Thank you in advance for your prayers.

God Answers

As most of you know Jake and I are on a quest to get rid of our debt.  There are several reasons for this, the most important being the ability for me to stay home after we have kids.  So, we are planning ahead.  In an attempt to get out of debt Jake made the decision to sell his car.  He doesn't drive it much anymore because he drives his work truck and his parents were gracious enough to offer us the truck for the next couple of years to use so that we can save some money.  So, in the auto trader the car went.  Now, I'm the sentimental type and while I was excited at the prospect of paying off a lot of our debt,  there was some sadness.  This was Jake's car, the one that we took our first trip to Disneyland in and the one we used to go on our countless dates.  But it was the right decision.  Over the past few months Jake has gotten a few calls here and there, but most of the people interested either wanted it for nothing or they were a little shady, so we waited and prayed.  Trusting that God would provide.  As usual Jake's faith far surpassed my own.  Then today out of the blue I get a message from Jake asking me to call him...weird.  He doesn't normally ask me to call him in the middle of the day.  When I do, I find out that the car sold and that the money was already in our account.  What????  No one called, there hadn't even been any leads.  But apparently it only takes 4 hours to sell a car.  Someone called Jake this morning, left work to come test drive it and...done.  

I cried.  Not because we are in dire straits financially and "needed" the money so badly, but because I was in awe.  In awe of the amazing blessings God is giving us.  As a couple we are trying hard to be good stewards of our money and to keep focused on God and his plans for us, but at times it doesn't seem enough.  We could always do more or try harder.  But much like I teach my girls and ladies at work, its not how much we do, its the state of our heart that God focuses on. 

 

Pure of heart,

Seeking Him first,

Trust,

Faith,

Faith!

That is always the hard one.  I ultimately know that God will provide, but that doesn't make it easier to trust him for some ridiculous reason. So, after our celebration dinner and Jake's celebration strawberry shake( its good for you because its fruit :) ) the reality that a good portion of our debt will be gone very soon is still sinking in.  Gone...just like that.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; God is good!  Now if I can just remember that the next time I begin to doubt,  that would be a miracle.  :)

Success...so far!

Well, day one at Remuda life is done and I have to say it was great.  That is not to say that there weren't times when I was freaking out about my new responsibilities.  Not to mention that I feel added pressure because I've worked at the Ranch and therefore I'm expected to know more.  There was  a point today as I sat in my temporary office looking around at the mess and feeling so overwhelmed at how I was going to pull this off.  Running adult body image groups...who me?  You've got to be kidding, I've worked with adolescents for the last 4 years, adults...YIKES!  But I found myself praying at 3pm that God would lead me, and He did.  At the end of the group, which ended up being sort of small I told the ladies they had done a good job and they thanked me...weird, why would they do that?  Well, one of them say "ya, who could have imaged that body image would be interesting", the other followed by saying that normally body image group is boring.  They complimented me then asked if I would be running more of their groups and I said yes, they were excited.  Of course this was a boost to my confidence because even though people tell me I'm good a what I do, I question my abilities constantly.  So, this was reassurance that God was once again present, not only in that group, but it confirmed that this was the decision that was best for me and for Jake.  

Now that I've tooted my own horn I'm sure tomorrow will be a disaster, but I will focus on putting God at the head of everything I do and trust that He is there guiding me, when things go well and even when things don't.  

The other joy of my day is summarized like this:

8:05, leave condo to go to Starbucks

8:15, leave Starbucks to go to work

8:40 arrive at work....yes that's right :)

5:05 leave work for home

5:45 arrive home, once again, yes that's right:)

Total miles 56, which includes my trip to the gym this morning(which I'm totally excited about) and my trip to the mall for lunch....my fuel gauge isn't even off "F" yet.  

AMAZING!!!!!!!

Time now is 6:40, I've had dinner and now Jake and I are relaxing together.  No stress from a one and a half hour drive home, no pressure to go to the gym, just rest.  God is good!

Flutter

I'd say something strange happened to me on my way home with Jake from dinner tonight, but for me what happened wasn't strange.  We had just gone to this new BBQ place that Jake was raving about and I'll admit it was pretty great and we were headed home to get ready to go to a get together we were invited to and it happened....a flutter.  Now the way I would describe a flutter is somewhere between butterflies in your stomach and your heart skipping a beat.  Flutters come when I am really excited about something, but its not your everyday excitement, its when I feel not only completely content but when I feel that God is truly present.  Tonight my flutter was about heading home with "My Husband" to "Our House"....flutter.  But they have happened a lot in my life;

My first crush....flutter..

Accepting Christ into my heart...flutter...

My first trip to Colorado...flutter..

My girls trips to Laguna Beach..flutter..

Seeing my best friends get married..flutter..

The first time I held each of my friends precious children..flutter..

Walking into Disneyland at Christmas..flutter..

The first time I saw Jake...flutter..

The night he asked me to marry him..flutter...flutter..

Putting my Wedding dress on..flutter..

Looking at the man I love more than I thought possible...flutter...flutter...flutter..

The realization that God created this man for me...FLUTTER....

And yes, even the thought of having my own child someday...flutter..

I love the flutters, I smile when I feel them, its a physical indication that God is working in my life and answering prayers that at times I am silly enough to think He doesn't hear.  He hears every prayer and though He doesn't always answer them the way we want He often answers them in ways that are much better!

Now I could go on and on about flutters, but I'm sure at some point you would lose interest, but I hope my thoughts on flutters help you stop and think about your own flutters.  What makes you flutter, or maybe it isn't even a flutter, maybe is something entirely different.  Whatever it is I encourage you to cherish those flutters and make a mental note to not let them slip away.  It's easy to do with so much on our plates, but make it a point to just stop and feel the flutter.