A New Type of Independence

So, it occurred to me last weekend that since Jake and I have moved I rarely go anywhere alone.  I drive to work and home, but if we go anywhere in the evenings or on the weekends he always drives and he is always with me.  Now, most of you know that I HATE to drive so driving everyday to work is a challenge.  Jake is very aware of how much I don't like to drive so that is primarily why he always drives when we go anywhere. But as I drove to the grocery store with Jake on Sunday in my car, I felt like a fish out of water.  Not only do I not go anywhere alone, I rarely drive so when I do it feels foreign.  Talking to Lisa on my way home today I was expressing my fear that I'm losing my "Independent" edge.  I have for a while now been the girl that can definitely take care of herself.  By this point of my life I've been through plenty and managed to survive.  But I'm finding myself not doing things because I know Jake will do them or not lifting things because they feel "a little" too heavy.  What is happening to me????  Well, it was then that I realized that the fight to stay my independent single self is going out of me.  This is a blessing and a bit frighting at the same time.  For Jake's sake I'm glad its happening, but honestly it scares me a little.  I'm managing an entirely new type of independence.  This new independence requires me to allow my husband to take care of me when he can so that I don't have to.  This is still tough, but oddly enough its getting easier. It also requires me to tell him things I'd rather hide from and ask him for help when I just want to do it on my own.

Now, back to my original issue of not going anywhere alone.  I like to be alone, Jake is out right now and I'm OK with that, I want him to go and have fun.  But then the harsh reality sinks in and in an hour or so I'll be missing him and wishing that he would get home.  I'm officially ruined.  Ok, that's a little dramatic, but I can't tell you how many Monday nights I would sit at home and do nothing and not think twice, now its a chore.  Oh the agony.  Ok, I know more drama.  So, I guess the bottom line is this.  While I need and want to go places on my own I genuinely enjoy my husbands company and I'm working on coming to terms with the fact that being by myself doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to.  Now, while I will be making more of an effort to venture out on my own, I'm also accepting that while going shopping is something best saved for girlfriends and solo trips, target isn't so bad with a cute boy:)

Frustration...The Vent

Well, as some of you may know my Mom was in the hospital last week.  For those of you that don't know...now you do.  I apologize for not calling everyone but to be honest I truly just wanted to forget it was occurring, so when I wasn't at the hospital or work, the last thing I wanted to talk or think about was my Mom.  The reason for this post is because I am FRUSTRATED!!!! Now, it would be entirely inappropriate for me to share my frustration with my Mom and quite frankly it wouldn't make a difference.  So, here is the root of my frustration.  My Mom as had multiple opportunities to make her life better and to improve her health.  Heck I was in the Dr's office with her when our Dr told her if you don't stop smoking TODAY things will get worse and your life will end..so what does she do...NOTHING!!!  She continues to gamble and smoke and then expect me to clean up the mess.  Now I'm sure some of this is sounding a bit selfish and ungrateful, she is my Mom after all, and honestly I am feeling a bit selfish.  There has rarely been anything in my life that has not been altered by my Mom and her struggles.  I probably wouldn't feel half as frustrated or resentful if she seemed the least bit grateful, but she doesn't.  All she could talk about when I visited her is whether her boyfriend was going to come see her and how she wanted to go home, she didn't seem to care that she almost died.  The biggest part of this hold situation that really frustrates me is the fact that last week I was totally emotionally unavailable for my husband.  He did his best to try to help me, but there just wasn't anything he could do.  As always he was patient with me and reassured me that would would find a way to take care of my Mom.  But because of her bad choices it is now impacting my relationship with Jake.  Again, I realize I sound incredibly mean and hateful, but I've got to get this out, because the reality of the situation is things are just going to continue to get worse because she isn't motivated to make changes and I am going to be the one responsible for finding out what to do next.  I do have an older brother but he has never been much help.  So, that leaves me and that makes me ANGRY!!!!  

Now saying all of this is not to take away from the fact that I do love my Mom, but I'm tired of cleaning up after her.  And I'm so tired of having to be the parent.  Those of you that know me know that I will end up doing what I need to, but I had to vent about this situation.   I really felt like it was changing me as a person and again, it would be pointless to tell my Mom any of this so, that makes all of you the lucky recipient's of information you would probably rather not have.  

So, now I turn to God.  I ask Him on a daily basis to soften my heart and give me the strength to deal with this situation.  I've been through enough in my life to know that without Him there isn't much I can do on my own. 

  Thanks for listening and please keep me and my Mom in your prayers.  

Update

Well, I thought it would only be fair to update all of you on how the goal of getting back into a routine is coming.  I'd say we are 80% there.  We are definitely getting back in the swing of going to church which is really nice for both of us.  The gym is what has been difficult, between not getting home until after 6, the humid 100 plus degree weather and Jake starting work before 6 lets just say it hasn't happened yet.  But with the new job on the horizon I think it will definitely be easier for me to begin going again soon.  Mentally and physically I need to get refocused.  I've been blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally even if at times I can't stand myself, I thank God for him, and remember that just going a few times a week helps with the impending sense of yuckiness that comes from lounging about too much.  Another high point that happened this weekend is that we finally had a normal weekend.  We cleaned Saturday morning and then Amber, Jason and Miss Megan came over Saturday night for dinner.  It was fun to finally feel like we were getting our life back, it was good to catch up with friends and show off the new place.  This is truly what I've been waiting for...that everyday feel to our lives.  Its finally here and I'm thankful.  That's not to say that I won't complain about the "everyday" feel at some point, I am human, but I'm praising God for it now.  

Funny side note:  Jake reads the blog a lot, there isn't anything I post on here that he doesn't already know about.  Sometimes he teases me when I don't post often and I keep offering for him to write a post, but he shys away from that...so he said to just say "Jake says hi".  There is Jake's official contribution to the blog :)

And the answer is......

YES!!! So, I got the transfer to the Life program. I will admit that I had had about enough today with the waiting to make a decision thing, but now I finally feel like I can look forward. As most of you know the state of "limbo" does not suit me well, so these past weeks have been torture, but now we have clarity, as I always knew we would. I am finally allowing myself to be excited about it, but its bittersweet, my coworkers in Wickenburg have turned into family. They grieved with me when my brother was killed and rejoiced with me when I found Jake and got married, so I will be leaving some great people and good friends. But I realize that I am also making room in my life for my new relationship and making time for us and for me. It will be a great help to my goal of getting back my routine. Its a completely different program and the patients need completely different things which I am thankful for. Especially since I'm on call this weekend and I just got paged...so that level of intensity I won't miss, but I'm sure it will have its own surprises. So, thanks for the prayers!

Are we done yet?

So, this is weekend 3 in our new home.  We are now at the point where there is just little stuff that we need to do and some little stuff we just don't know what to do with.  I'm just about done with this whole move thing.  There is defiantly something to be said for routine.  I miss mine very much and I'm anxious to get back into one.  I know to some routines can be boring, but I'm a routine girl and lucky for me I married a routine guy, so our goal for next week, start a routine.  It's kinda sad when you have to goal to start a routine, but this is who we are :).  I'm still a bit in limbo in regards to a job, I have one boss telling me that I have a confirmed transfer down to the Life program and others saying that I need to complete the interview process, sooooooo.....I am in yet another situation where I am trusting God to make my path clear.  Jake really wants me to get the new job and I will admit there are definite perks, but I've also been through enough to know that above all else I need to trust God.  He sees the big picture and we only see one scene, so I go on Tuesday for my interview, hopefully there will be some clarity at that point.  I'd like to say I have more fascinating things to post about, but I don't really think I do.  Do we have a lot on our plate right now...sure...am I on the brink of learning what its like to care for an aged parent....yep.  But, those things are just side bars of our story.  Jake continues to amaze me as a husband, especially to see him interact so graciously with my Mom, he is patient and kind and not that I needed a reminder, but its acts like that that simply point out to me how perfect this wonderful man is for me.  He truly is a gift from God.  So, as he rests and I type I look forward to next week and the beginning of our routine as well as what new and exciting things we will get to do next.

Happy Birthday

Today my baby brother would have been 29 years old.  This marks the 3rd birthday since his death....

Happy birthday Vincey....I love you!!!!

Balance

Now that we are officially moved, it has been difficult to find balance in putting things in there new place and finding time for us.  We are both so motivated to get things cleaned up, but by spending too much time each evening working we lose the few hours we have together before we need to get ready for bed and have to start it all over again.  I have been finding myself constantly reminding my sweet husband that "we will get it done" as he is still trying to find little things to hang or fix.  He wants to do so much for me, but what I need him to do is just stop and rest with me.  I normally win this battle, like tonight for example, we hung a few things and he wanted to keep going, but what are we doing...sitting on the couch watching Deadliest Catch and relaxing.  This is my favorite time of the evening, when all the chores are done and we can just be.  With all the changes that are going on in our lives that is the thing I am anxiously awaiting, a time when we can just be.  Right now we are finding balance in our daily task of making our new home, next we will need to find balance to add the gym back into our lives.  This is the one I'm most focused on, I need to make time for me to take care of myself, going to the gym is the first part of that.  So, as I'm typing and thinking about balance I wonder where are you struggling with balance?  I have found that achieving balance has to be intentional, and it takes prayer and support.  In our world today there are so many things waiting to throw us off balance and I find that relying on God helps me to refocus and find my balance again.

Blessings,