Theory....

I have a theory...and this is it.  When we experience pain, its in an effort to teach us gratitude.  Please remember this is just a theory..my theory.  It may not fit for you, but its been on my mind for a while.

I'm no stranger to pain.  Actually you could say that pain and I are pretty tight...ha!  I've had my fair share in  this life of mine.  I'm not saying that I've been through more than anyone else, I'm just saying I've seen some difficult times.

 Growing up I didn't have the best environment around me and saw and heard some things that at times still make me shudder.  Because of this ugliness in my life, I sought out a different type of family, one who loved with all their heart and didn't hurt with words or yelling.  For this I am grateful.

I didn't grow up in a home of abundance, we often times went without and this was both scary and at times embarrassing.  Despite this, I found ways to finance my college education and completed both my Bachelor's degree as well as my Master's degree.  For this I am grateful.

Loss.  This is my personal 4 letter word.  I've had some biggies.  The biggest one that, still brings me to my knees if I let it, was the loss of Vincent. Sudden, ugly and so unfair.  I'm sure your wondering, how in the world is she going to find gratitude in this.  Well, here is how.  As I was dealing with this loss, I was forced to discover me.  Who I am outside of my family and my friends.  This discovery ultimately led me to my sweet husband.  For this I am grateful.

I had several broken hearts as a teenager and young adult.  Relationships that I thought for sure would go the distance didn't.  Some of these left me broken and in secure.  And then came Jake.  Pain in love was soon forgotten when I found the softest place to land.  With him, I am safe and he loves me with everything he has, even when I don't love myself.  For this I am grateful.

Loss: revisited.  Yes, we are here again.  I said it was my 4 letter word after all.  It was not easy for Jake and I to conceive.  We started this process eager, hopeful and faithful.  9 Months into the process I was broken.  I was told I'd never have a child without IVF. This was not an option for us.  A month later, I was looking at a positive pregnancy test...a week after that I was in my Dr's. office hearing the word: miscarriage. Devastated,  I pulled myself back up and we tried again.  Excited, but cautious, we were facing yet another positive pregnancy test.  2 weeks later, I was once again comforted as I was told this child was no longer with me.  Broken...ready to give up....ANGRY. I was done!  But God softly and gently brought me out of that dark place and we were able to finally conceive our precious Ayden.  For HIM I am soo grateful.

All of this and SO much more have led me to this.  We go through pain, to ultimately be grateful for the good we do have.  This is so confusing to me and frustrating at times.  I'd like to think that it wouldn't take this pain to help me to be grateful, but maybe it does.  I still struggle with gratitude.  There is always something I want, something that could be better if, my life would be better if I looked a certain way, but here is the truth.  Until you can accept the pain,  accept your life as it is, you will always struggle to be grateful for what you have.  Last week in group a member shared this quote and it struck me:  Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional.

I'm going to opt out of the suffering.  There is plenty in this world, that is what sparked my desire to write this post.  A day where all I saw was requests for prayer for those suffering. This made me hold my little family a little tighter and thank my God for giving me what he has.  This will not be an easy road.  I sometimes feel that since I've been through "so much" I "deserve" a break.  I don't. So, if more pain comes then I will turn to face it and ultimately try to find the gratitude hidden in the darkness.