Theory....

I have a theory...and this is it.  When we experience pain, its in an effort to teach us gratitude.  Please remember this is just a theory..my theory.  It may not fit for you, but its been on my mind for a while.

I'm no stranger to pain.  Actually you could say that pain and I are pretty tight...ha!  I've had my fair share in  this life of mine.  I'm not saying that I've been through more than anyone else, I'm just saying I've seen some difficult times.

 Growing up I didn't have the best environment around me and saw and heard some things that at times still make me shudder.  Because of this ugliness in my life, I sought out a different type of family, one who loved with all their heart and didn't hurt with words or yelling.  For this I am grateful.

I didn't grow up in a home of abundance, we often times went without and this was both scary and at times embarrassing.  Despite this, I found ways to finance my college education and completed both my Bachelor's degree as well as my Master's degree.  For this I am grateful.

Loss.  This is my personal 4 letter word.  I've had some biggies.  The biggest one that, still brings me to my knees if I let it, was the loss of Vincent. Sudden, ugly and so unfair.  I'm sure your wondering, how in the world is she going to find gratitude in this.  Well, here is how.  As I was dealing with this loss, I was forced to discover me.  Who I am outside of my family and my friends.  This discovery ultimately led me to my sweet husband.  For this I am grateful.

I had several broken hearts as a teenager and young adult.  Relationships that I thought for sure would go the distance didn't.  Some of these left me broken and in secure.  And then came Jake.  Pain in love was soon forgotten when I found the softest place to land.  With him, I am safe and he loves me with everything he has, even when I don't love myself.  For this I am grateful.

Loss: revisited.  Yes, we are here again.  I said it was my 4 letter word after all.  It was not easy for Jake and I to conceive.  We started this process eager, hopeful and faithful.  9 Months into the process I was broken.  I was told I'd never have a child without IVF. This was not an option for us.  A month later, I was looking at a positive pregnancy test...a week after that I was in my Dr's. office hearing the word: miscarriage. Devastated,  I pulled myself back up and we tried again.  Excited, but cautious, we were facing yet another positive pregnancy test.  2 weeks later, I was once again comforted as I was told this child was no longer with me.  Broken...ready to give up....ANGRY. I was done!  But God softly and gently brought me out of that dark place and we were able to finally conceive our precious Ayden.  For HIM I am soo grateful.

All of this and SO much more have led me to this.  We go through pain, to ultimately be grateful for the good we do have.  This is so confusing to me and frustrating at times.  I'd like to think that it wouldn't take this pain to help me to be grateful, but maybe it does.  I still struggle with gratitude.  There is always something I want, something that could be better if, my life would be better if I looked a certain way, but here is the truth.  Until you can accept the pain,  accept your life as it is, you will always struggle to be grateful for what you have.  Last week in group a member shared this quote and it struck me:  Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional.

I'm going to opt out of the suffering.  There is plenty in this world, that is what sparked my desire to write this post.  A day where all I saw was requests for prayer for those suffering. This made me hold my little family a little tighter and thank my God for giving me what he has.  This will not be an easy road.  I sometimes feel that since I've been through "so much" I "deserve" a break.  I don't. So, if more pain comes then I will turn to face it and ultimately try to find the gratitude hidden in the darkness.

What a difference a year makes...

Well as I type this today it marks exactly 1 year since Sweet Ayden was born. Oh, how things have changed. Its fun and definately sentimental to look back on what Jake and I were doing last Christmas and what a precious gift we were given on this day. After experiencing possibly the longest night of my life we were blessed with a sweet boy....

Its been such an amazing year. Both challenging and wonderful. I've grown so much as a person this year. Ayden has stretched me not just as a Mom but as a wife as well. I really have a hard time remembering my life before this little boy. He has brought us such joy.

So, today we celebrate. We celebrate this little man, our health and this time of year. While at times its hard to be thankful for what we are given, today it comes very easy. We have been given the best gift of all and because of him our lives will never be the same.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy...Mamma loves you!!!

Cast the first stone.....

First, I apologize for not posting more...I've been a bit busy the last 9.5 months :)

Up til now I've not had much on my mind to post about, sure being a new Mom is terrifying, but who wants to admit that...not me!! But recently something has come to my attention and I have to say it just makes me sad. It sort of even gets under my skin a bit too.

I am a part of one of the social networking sites. I enjoy it and its a good way for me to keep up with Jake's extended family in Chicago. As a part of this site you can "like" pages. Well, I have decided to "like" the Parenting Magazine page. I enjoy the magazine and find some helpful things in there. The magazine's page isn't the issue. Its the comments to their posts that trouble me so much. As a new Mom I guess I was naive to the fact that there are many other Mom's who would choose to judge and demean each other as opposed to encourage and support. I mean aren't we all in the same sleep deprived boat. Apparently we are not.

Its sad to me that the smallest thing that is meant to be an encouragement ends up being a firestorm of I'm a better Mom than you. It borders on ridiculous. Now, let me also say that I'm not perfect, I've had my moments of judgement, but come on. This is just sad. I'm blessed to have several very close friends who have children, so when I'm lost I know I can call them and get advice. I also know that all of us parent very differently so if their advice doesn't fit my situation they are not going to write me a scathing email about how they are doing it better because they can clean, cook, do laundry and teach their child Spanish all in one day. They are accepting and open.

I have to admit I'm intimidated. I would like to start taking Ayden on playdates, maybe join a Mom's group, but what if, what if I run into one of "those" Mom's. The Mom's that act like things are perfect and look down their perfectly powdered nose at you and your eyebrows that are grown out because getting in to have them done wasn't in the plan this week. What if????

It already sort of happens when I hear others talk about how their baby is sleeping this many hours at night, or takes this many naps during the day. I automatically think, if they knew that Ayden still wakes up sometimes at night or that we are just now working on getting him to take "scheduled" naps, what would they think? What would they say behind my back? What does that say about me as a Mom? I get frustrated, I don't think it should be this way. Motherhood is hard, really hard, whether you have one or 10, its hard work. This is the time when we should be standing together to support each other, not nit picking and cutting each other down. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me.

Because of this, I'm going to try very hard to be an encouragement to new Mom's, not judge, but be accepting and open. My prayer is that the part of the population that feels like its OK to act this way will have a wake up call. Nothing tragic just something that doesn't go right so they have to reach out and be...real. That's all. Just be real..and...KIND!

There is a new show out called "Up All Night". Its hysterical. Jake and I love it. This issue was played out nicely in the show. The main character is a working Mom and her husband stays at home. He had been taking their baby to a baby class and when the Mom started attending she did everything "wrong" and this was very much noted by one of the "mean" moms in the group. To make a long story short, after a confrontation, the main character runs into the "mean" Mom in the middle of a fight with her stroller. She can't get it to close. The main character steps into help can't get it to close either, and by the end of the scene both moms are stomping on the now broken stroller. It was a classic bonding moment. I guess that's my point. We are all one stroller malfunction away from complete chaos. So, lets be kind to each other and do some stroller stomping!

Labor of Love

Well, this post is long in coming and as most of you know I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy Ayden on Dec 26th. Its been six weeks since he was born and I swear there are days I still look at him and think oh my God, I really did this. The road was not easy, and there have been ups and downs since, but I am continually filled with more gratitude and joy than I could have ever imagined. He is perfect. That in itself is a blessing. The labor was not easy, but then I guess it wouldn't be called labor now would it. It got scary, not just for me but for Jake as well. I ended up having a C-section after 25 hours of labor. Our little boy just wasn't ready to come and my body wasn't working like it should. As I lay there knowing that this was it, I was terrified. Terrified that something would go wrong, that Jake and I would leave the hospital once again without our baby, that something would happen to me, that Jake would have to face this new journey alone. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but indulge me if you will. It was scary and hard. Ayden was faltering, my blood pressure continued to rise. The reality was things got hairy. Jake was the essence of calm, it was amazing to see his strength during this time. I know it wasn't easy for him. He did amazing!

So, now as my little one sleeps I continue to be overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for him. I'd like to tell you that the worry has stopped, but those of you that know me well know that would be a lie. I continue to worry that Ayden is ok. That is when I have to remind myself that he is God's. God blessed us with him when we thought we weren't going to be parents, so I have to remember that above all...he is God's.

I also feel blessed to have had all my 'family' around me the entire time I worked to bring our boy into the world. Knowing that they were just outside the door praying and encouraging Jake really made the difference. I was once again reminded that this group of people is invaluable in my life. Without them I'm really not sure how my life would have ended up. I love you all more than words and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will attach some pictures so that you can meet the new man in my life. Its true that a baby changes everything, I think its changing me most. Things thatwere important before, just aren't important anymore. I am no longer defined by my education or career, but by my family that God has blessed me with. This complicates things as I am scheduled to go back to work in March, I'm not ready and right now shudder at the thought, but I am faithful that God will prepare me or open another door that will allow me to do both without one suffering. Truthfully right now, work would suffer, because there isn't anything I wouldn't do or sacrifice for my family. But as I said I am faithful and I know God will provide.

Here is Ayden Jacob:

Let the countdown begin!

Well, I will first apologize for not posting more often. Things have been really busy, for all good reasons, and I know they will only continue to be busy. As of Friday I have 6 weeks left, seems so surreal as this time last year we were spending our nights at the hospital with Jake's Dad and we were about to experience yet another bump in our road to being parents. Its odd to look back and see that what we were dealing with and preparing for then is so much different than what we are preparing for now.

The nursery is done, the major needs have been purchased, all the classes have been taken, and now we wait. We wait for Ayden to arrive. I'm so excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I'm no fool and I completely understand that my life will never be the same, its already so different than it was just 34 weeks ago. My holiday will look different too, instead of our living room transforming into a Christmas spectacular, a pack in play sits where the tree would normally go and the reality that I'm just not in a place to do the decorating is beginning to set in. I made the decision to not do the tree. Mostly this is due to the level of control that I um..demand...over it. Jake has been amazing; cleaning, cooking, doing everything to make things easier for me. Putting up our tree, while so special and important to me, is not one of the areas I will ask him to sacrifice. Again, partly due to the fear that my level of criticism over how it "should" be done, would be just a bit over the top at this point. So, instead of seeing our tree and house in all its holiday glory, we will wait for the greatest gift of all, our Son. I know that this is the best decision, as the idea of taking down said decorations with a baby that is only a few days old to take care of is well...maddening.

I also want Jake and I to enjoy our last few days as us, as we have been since the beginning. We are both so ready to be parents, but also must continue to make time for us to be husband and wife, then mom and dad.

So, we continue to wait, on paper 6 weeks seems like a long time, but in reality, its just not. I only have a couple of weeks of work left, which I can't wait for. I mean really, really, really, can't wait for. I've been so appreciative of all the support and prayers through these last 8 months, they have meant a lot. I still have my moments of anxiety, but for the most part feel that the anxiety I have left is in the "normal" range.

So, as the weeks tick by I ask for continued prayers. Most of you know I'm not a patient person, but this is one time I want to savor every moment between now and the day Ayden arrives. I don't want to miss a thing!!!

Introducing.......

Ayden Jacob Pemberton.....

Can't wait to meet you :)

Reality

When I got married I swore to myself that I was going to write a book about what it was like to be engaged and document the first year of marriage. I think my primary goal in this was to give hope to those future brides out there that only got the "enjoy the honeymoon, it won't last long" and "that first year will be the toughest". I hated that. I must admit that most of these platitudes came from fellow Christians. I was annoyed to say the least. So now that I am approaching my 18th week of pregnancy I feel like writing a book about what its REALLY like to be preggo.

Now hear me, I am grateful beyond belief for this experience, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I find it ironic that when you are pregnant instead of people saying," you know its a blessing, but the gas it horrible" or "your child will be a wonderful gift, but those swollen feet are a pain in the butt", I get....enjoy it, or its just part of the territory, be thankful.

And I am. But I'm also uncomfortable, hot and jonesing to sleep on my stomach so bad its all I can think about at 3 o'clock in the morning when I am getting up for the 15th time to pee. I'm not a crier, I mean, I cry, but most of the time its my last resort. The last 4 months have been a tear fest. Anything triggers it, commercials, tv shows and spilling something on myself. I just cry. Poor Jake, he's not seen this side of me. Well, a little as we were working to be parents, but at least then I had reasons to cry...now...not so much.

I just want to restate that I am so unbelievably happy to be pregnant and am blessed that God has given me this gift, but the irony is hard to ignore. The one time in your life when you need rest and nourishment is the one time you can't sleep the way you want when you aren't in the bathroom and the list of foods you can't eat is 3 pages long. How I long for a turkey and provolone sub. Doesn't seem like a big request..but it is.

So, I'm beginning to take notes on my next dream book, there are a few already out there, but boy do I have some new information for the masses.

Yep its true!!!!

Well, as you can see from my rockin' new blog, Jake and I are expecting our first child in January. The last 16 weeks have been filled with tears, excitement and if you know me, lots of worry. I'm working hard on handing this child and this experience over to God, but the road to parenthood has not been an easy one for us, so that complicates things a little. However, as the weeks go by I am overcome with a growing sense of Joy and Hope. So even though worry still creeps in, I'm still enjoying the experience. As we go through this journey I will keep you all updated on how things go and even post pictures of our little one when we get some. I may even along the way share some of what Jake and I have been through in the last year, so brace yourselves. So, this is my long awaited post, well maybe not long awaited, but definitely long overdue. I re-read my last post and gosh, I'm amazed at how hopeful I was at the beginning of the year. I only hope that I will get back to that place of childlike hope and trust. But right now..I think I have to pee.

New Perspectives....

So, as we begin a new year I'm faced with some new feelings. For the past 4 years I have dreaded the new year, mostly because there is one new year in particular that is forever burned into my memory. I have for the last four years, hidden and wished for the day to go by...quickly. This year, however, I held my head high, let the tears come and said "bring it on 2010!" What is the reason for my new found courage at facing the new year....nothing really spectacular, it mostly has to do with the ups and downs of 2009 and the disappointments that has come with that, the uncertainty at work and the dissatisfaction with my job and the inconsistencies with Jake's work, and family illnesses. And then of course there is the "big mess" from my last very long ago post.

I am ready for 2010 not because I think it is the magic year that everything is going to be "perfect" I simply see it as a fresh start. Hope I guess. Because to be honest, by the middle of December 2009 I didn't have much hope left. God and I were in the middle of a pretty good fire side chat, and I wasn't sure how the conversation was going to end. I knew how it "should" end, but the emotional part of me wanted it to end with me saying forget it and doing things my way. Now, I realize this is never a good idea, but at the time...it seemed like a good plan. Lucky for all involved that is not how the conversation ended.

I could hear God whispering to be patient, and as I've mentioned before this is always a area that I've struggled with. However, I think God and I are gonna be OK. Actually, I know we will. I know that the things that have occurred this year have a purpose, and I am committed to trusting God to see this through.

So, for me 2010 means hope. Hope that we get second, third, fourth chances. Hope that what transpired in 2009 will not be in vain, hope that Jake and I will get the one desire of our hearts that seems out of reach right now.

Hope and knowledge that God is Sovereign, He never leaves, nor does he promise life will be easy, but He does promise that we will be OK.

As we look ahead at 2010, we get refocused. We want to continue to be healthy and get out of the house more to help make that happen. We want to get more involved with our church and a small group. I personally want to grow stronger in my relationship with God and focus on trusting him more.

While these are not resolutions...I personally don't believe in them, they are statements of faith and I would ask for accountability from all of you for these things. Its easy when possibilities seem endless to be hopeful, but when things get difficult or disappointment creeps in it makes it more difficult to stay on track. So, prayers would be great.

I hope the new year brings everyone a new sense of hope and may you all be blessed this year!

the big mess....

You know those time in your life when you have a plan, and you can't wait until you see that plan come to life?

Then, out of the blue, the plan gets run through a blender and comes out a big jumbled mess.

That's where I am right now.

I have this big jumbled mess of a plan sitting before me and I have no freaking idea what to do with it. Part of me wants to scream and throw it everywhere, another part of me wants to shove it in a drawer and pretend it will just magically put itself back together and yet another part of me just wants to throw it away and forget the plan. Move to a different plan, forget this one ever crossed my mind. But, to my frustration none of these options seem to work. I've tried being angry and flinging my plan around, and I've tried ignoring it and pretending that everything is as it should be. I've even tried to forget about it, this is the option that brings the most frustration. I want to forget, be happy with what I have, enjoy the parts of my life that aren't a big pile of goo, but I can't.

And this makes me angry.

I have an amazing husband, and right now I'm consumed with my broken plan. I'm edgy, irritable, quiet. He wants to help with the plan, but he can't. Right now the reality is...it can't be fixed. It's broken, ruined, only bits of it remain recognizable.

Right now I'm beginning to resent the plan. I look back at pictures of when our life wasn't so focused on this plan and things seemed simpler, now there is complication, frustration and exhaustion. Now things are a big mess.

If I can say one positive thing about this mess its that during it all Jake and I have clung to each other, grown closer, love each other deeper. But, its still a big mess.

I hate messes, I hate this mess most of all.

CHICAGO is....My kind of town!

Well, we finally made it to Chicago. Wow, what a great trip. Jake has a lot and I mean a lot of family in Chicago so we were able to spend a lot of time with them. But Jake and I also got to explore Downtown Chicago with the help of his Uncle Brad and Grampa Pemberton.

This is a picture of Jake and I at Millennium Park, so beautiful. We were blessed to have a gorgeous day of weather.

We were able to go up into the Sears tower, well now its the Willis Tower, I'll post pictures on that experience later. It was awesome.
This is a picture of me, Jake's Mom and his two Aunts, Debbie and Cheryl. We were in a little town called Long Grove. It had the cutest little shops. So much holiday decorations and knick knacks...could have gone crazy...good thing I had restraint and limited luggage space :)The next couple of pictures are at Jake's Grandparents house. They have a beautiful home and it was a true blessing to see all of his family again. The last time I saw them was at our wedding. Needless to say, I didn't get to spend much time with them. I really can't express how awesome it was to be there. I've always wanted a big family and now I've married into one. It was a great time of fun and bonding.
The last picture is a picture of all of the grandchildren with Grandma and Grandpa Shoemaker. All but 2 grandchildren were at the house on Saturday. It was really amazing. Truthfully I can't wait to go back. Jake and I are already talking about a trip back.

There is another big family trip next June to Rockport, MA. I'm so excited. Jake hasn't been with his family for a long time. It was so great to see him with his cousins and see them reconnect. Such a loving and welcoming family. I knew God blessed me when he sent me Jake and his parents, but I had no idea what else came along with the deal.

Chicago is definitely my kind of town.

Bigger....

So, recently I've had to be reminded that God is Bigger. Remember the job opportunity I posted about last time? Well, that door closed. So, I'm back to square one. I know that God is bigger than this. I am now faced with trusting that God knows my heart and knows that I need something different, I need less stress, less inconsistency and more stability. But God says "Not Now" and I know that he is bigger. He is bigger than my frustration and He is bigger than the knot in the pit of my stomach on Sunday nights from knowing that tomorrow I have to go back. He is bigger.

I tell myself that a lot these days. He is bigger than a lot of things. I have to remember that. I read a post from another blog today that hit home about this subject. Basically, whether our lives are "perfect" or whether they are in complete turmoil, we still have the opportunity to see the positive. We have a choice to continue to be grateful for what we have been given or focus on all that's wrong. This is difficult for me and always has been. Its always easier for me to wallow in the negative, feel sorry for myself and give up. But if God is bigger than my pity party, then I can be bigger too.

Well, at least I can try.....

Happenings....

Well, there has been a lot happening in our little part of the world, some exciting, some not all that exciting. Since I posted last Jake and I took a road trip to Colorado. We have family that has land up there and I used to spend a lot of my summers there. Its been several years since I've been there and Jake has never been. So, needless to say I think his first trip was a success. He saw Durango, Telluride and experienced fishing for the first time. He was such a good sport, and up for just about anything. He even took the gondula ride from Mountain Village down into the town of Telluride, for most of us this isn't a big deal, but Jake isn't much for heights. He didn't flinch. We spent time with some great friends and relaxed. It was just what we needed. I included some photos. More will come in later posts, especially the one of Jake fishing. He is now such the outdoorsman!



Work for Jake has picked up again which is a huge blessing and relief. Now we can get back on track with our get out of debt plan. Talking about work, last week an unexpected opportunity presented itself and I'm offically going for it. Now, I haven't had time to tell everyone the details yet, but it could be a move in a different direction away from the turmoil going on at my current place of employment. So, I could use prayers that my application goes smoothly and that all of the pieces fall into place. I've been ready for a move for a very long time, but with new changes happening at my current job, the desire to find something new has now turned into a need.

There is the quick update on our lives for now. Lots going on, life is busy, but life is Good!

And the second year begins.....

So, I realize I have been off the radar lately and that is for a few reasons.  One I haven't really had much to say...I know..its a miracle and secondly Jake and I have been crazy busy.  We have been back and forth for a few months about whether or not we would be going to Chicago with his family at the end of this month.  Unfortunately due to work being inconsistent in March we had to scrap that trip, but luckily we are definitely going in September, which I'm really excited about.  I've never been to Chicago, well, maybe I flew threw there on one of my trips to Connecticut, but I've never actually stepped foot on Chicago soil.  I'm anxious to do that.  Jake spent about 10 years of his life there and I'm excited to see where he came from.  We feel like we have known each other forever, but in reality there are still small parts of each others life we haven't seen.  This summer we are planning to go to Colorado, the small part of my life Jake has never seen.  I love it there, I'm sure he will as well.

We also got new carpet...YIPPEE!!!!  I love new carpet and since at some point we will sell the condo I was able to convince my sweet husband that new shiny carpet would help. Well, it didn't take much convincing.  It's beautiful and definitely worth the 2 weeks of up hevel we have been living in.  See, we were supposed to have it in 2 weeks ago, but it didn't come in when planned so we had been living in a house where parts of the carpet were torn up and nothing is in its right place.  Those of you that know me know that this particular type of disorganization does not work well with me.  But, now after 2 weeks and 3 nights at the in laws things are back to normal and more beautiful than before.  Its like I have a whole new home.  I'm thankful for that.  

The beginning of this second year has brought a lot more gratitude than I thought possible.  I was grateful before, but the ups and downs of the last 6 months has made be really focus on what I need as opposed to what I want.  Now, I didn't NEED new carpet, it was definitely a want, but that aside life's priorities are still shifting and I'm more focused on what I need on a daily basis as opposed to what I want.  Jake is a wonderful husband and in the last six months its been my job to remind him of that regardless of the circumstances.  I'm focusing more on how I can lift him up than find flaws.  I'm also so grateful for my friendships and my faith.  Both have pushed me through so many ups and downs in my life that now is no different.  

So, gratitude is again the feeling on my heart.  It wavers, but it never goes away.  

For that I will be forever....grateful.

Reflection

1 year....I really can't believe it.  Sometimes I think back to when Jake and I met and really thank God that he can work miracles because as some of you know...that's what it took to get us where we are today.  

You see, for those of you that don't know, as much as I wanted to be married and live the "happily ever after" life when Jake walked into my life I FREAKED!  He would say I am being hard on my self by saying that.  But others of you know...its true.  See Jake was raised in a family that gives lots of affirmations and compliments. While  I always dreamed of being adored and found to be beautiful when Jake started telling me how beautiful he thought I was or how much I meant to him I thought he was...well...I thought he was crazy.  I never received those types of affirmations from any other man in my life, so it was weird and awkward to say the least and quite frankly I almost ran the other direction.  Lucky for me, God is good and Jake is patient.  

So hear we are, our 1 year wedding anniversary.  I'm not sure how to sum this year up.  I know some say that the first year of marriage can be the most difficult, and as much as I may want to conform and agree with that, I have to say for us it wasn't.  I'll stop for a moment so everyone can roll their eyes..done..ok, moving on.  We have had ups and downs, but none that caused me to question my decisions or the person that I make those decisions with.  We have been on a learning curve, but we are learning together.  Sure there are times when I have to take a deep breath and remember that its not just about me and this isn't just my home.  Its ours.  But overall we have had a great first year.  Its not been perfect, but I'm not sure either of us expected it to be.  We just wanted to be with each other, grow and build a life.

 

 Mission accomplished.  

For a long time I had made sure that my life wasn't "dependent" on anyone else.  I ensured that I was self sufficient and could do things for myself.  When I met Jake that was truly the hardest adjustment. While I've grown in this area there are still times when fear grips me and tells me that relying on someone doesn't ever end well, and my independence rears its ugly head and I will do something just to show Jake that I can...to show him that I AM CAPABLE.  He just laughs shakes his head and lets me have my moment.  This response reminds me that I'm being silly and that I need to continue to surrender not only to my sweet husband, but to God and the gift he gave me in Jake.  

We are by no means done learning about each other, nor are we done growing, but I think we have gotten off to a good start.  I'm so excited to see what our future holds, this year and the many years to come.  

So, we celebrated all weekend.  I included a few pictures, one of us from the melting pot...awesome experience by the way and then a couple from this morning.  Taken in the truck waiting at Coffee Bean on the way to church.  Not sure why I wanted to take those, but they are fun. 

We are off on to another years journey.  I will keep everyone updated on the happenings in our little corner of the world.  

Zoo Trip

Well, Jake and I have been trying to get to the zoo for weeks.  We of course picked this weekend to go, the one weekend that it was raining!  But we got sooo blessed and even though it sprinkled for a little bit when we arrived it eventually cleared up and we enjoyed the perfect day.  Here I am petting the stingray's.  It was seriously the coolest thing, they just came right up to you.

Here is Jake petting the stingray's.  He looks so handsome.  We has so much fun. 

Here is another one of me, the only bummer of the day was that we didn't get any pictures of the two of us.  
We seriously had the best day, we have been really trying to get out more and do stuff that isn't just seeing a movie and coming home. This was number one on our list, our next one might be a trip to Sedona or Flagstaff.  There really is so much around us that is beautiful and we need to get out and see it.  Here is Jake with the Giraffe's well, there is only one giraffe in the picture but they were everywhere.  Jake also took a lot of pictures of the spider monkey's.  They were so close, it was a little freaky at first, but it ended up being very cool.  I'll post those pictures later.
After the zoo Jake and I went to Saturday night service at CCV.  It was great.  It was the perfect end to a wonderful day. 

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter!

Celebration

Friday was Jake's birthday.  We have celebrated all weekend.  Friday night we went to Benihana, if you've never been and you like Asian food I would definitely recommend it.  It is an Asian restaurant where they cook the food in front of you.  It was great!  Jake had such a good time and is still talking about it.  I was so glad that it was a good time for him.  One of my big fears is always making big plans and then those plans not living up to the expectations, but this did.  Here a picture of the evening.  They took this at the restaurant and gave it to us for FREE.

It really was a great night.  We went to lunch with Jake's parents on Saturday and continued the celebration.  It really has been a great weekend.

This month actually signifies more celebration for us.  In just 2 weeks we will have been married for 1 year!!  I can't really believe it.  It seems like longer but in the good way, not in the oh my gosh who did I marry way.  I really do feel like I have known Jake my entire life.  In reality we have known each other for a little over 2 years.  I know I've gloated about him over this past year several times, and I'd like to tell you that now that we've been married for a year that will stop, but...it won't.  He continues to be an amazing husband, and a wonderful friend.

  So, brace yourselves for more bragging. 

 

Our first year together has been amazing and I will write more about that as it gets closer.  We continue to be blessed and I'm sure our next year...years will be equally wonderful.  We have faced trials this year, and I'm sure we will continue to, but its nice to know that when those trials come I have Jake by my side.  

Happy Birthday Honey!

Hills and Valleys.....

Before I start this post I need to make an introduction, most of you know him, but for the few that don't this is my baby brother Vince.

I'm including him in this post because he has been on my mind so much lately and while I feel a little apprehensive sharing this here, its been on my mind for a long time and in my heart even longer.  So, this is my sweet brother and he is no longer with me.

  

Now on to the title of the post.  I'm a therapist, I work with women and girls everyday helping them manage their emotions find new ways to deal with their pain and have a better more balanced life.  I know how to teach someone to deal with grief, but the truth of the matter is there is no sure fire way to "deal" with grief.  Believe me I've tried.  I've used the rules on myself and the whole time I kept thinking what a bunch of hooey it was.  Now, don't misunderstand me, the stages of grief are real, I've experienced all of them multiple times and continue to experience them.  Hence the title of the post.  I am heading to a valley of this process.  Its been 3 years and all the crap that people say about  time healing  the pain, well its just that....a bunch of crap.  My theory is that time doesn't heal the pain, you just manage to find other ways to deal with it, or have other things that help you not focus on it every second of the day.  Now this may not be a surprise to any of you, but I felt the need to share it anyway. 

 I have been blessed in the years since Vince died, so in times, like now, when I am angry and sad and missing the sound of his voice I feel guilt.  I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be OK, but the truth is, sometimes I'm not.  Even with all I'm blessed with I want my brother back.  I want to be able to make new memories with him, I want him to meet Jake...God they would be so annoying together:)  So, I'm in a valley.  I know I will climb out and be on the hill top again and somehow all of this will make some sense, but right now it doesn't and I wish it did.  

My life is good.

I am Blessed.

My faith in God is STRONG.

I miss my Brother. 

God says I told you so....

Well, as many of you know the last several months at work has been less than great and that is being kind.  But oddly in the last 2 weeks the tides have changed.  I had some time off for my birthday and then I had to do some training at our main facility, 2 different days over the past 2 weeks and truthfully it couldn't have come at a better time.  I was not really looking forward to taking on more responsibility, however I was definitely up for learning new things to change things up a bit.  My caseload at work shifted as well.  Several particularly difficult patients left and being able to go back to my old stomping grounds and be reminded that I am good at what I do was really a gift from God.  So while I still struggle with wanting other things in my life, right now God has once again come in and calmed my restless heart.  It was just the refocus and rejuvenation I needed.  

I'm continually surprised at God's ability to step in just when things seem their worst.  God has done this many times in my life so it speaks to my level of stubbornness that I am still surprised when He answers prayers in ways that are different than what I have requested but somehow better than what I could have wanted.  I believe with all my heart that God knows what we need even when we don't or more specifically we don't want what we need we want what we WANT.  Its in those moments that its hard to see God's blessing, but we have to realize we have been blessed nonetheless.  Would I have preferred God allow Jake and I to win the lottery so I could quit my job and live a life of leisure, heck ya!  God knows however that there is a better plan out there and it once again comes down waiting on His timing not mine.  

So, now I'm grateful that God has brought about renewal in me to continue His work with my patients and will wait patiently for what He has planned next.

He's just not that into you...

Well, Jake and I went to see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" for part of our Valentine's date night.  It was a cute movie and filled with a lot of harsh truths.  Honestly, I wish this movie had come out a whole lot sooner.  I felt so embarrassed for one of the main characters mostly because I remember the days that I used to do a lot of things she did to try to understand the guys I was interested in. The staring at the phone the reading into every comment made or even the comments that weren't made.  It was insane!!!    I left the theater feeling so grateful to have found Jake when I did.  He tries so hard everyday to be the best husband he can be and he does a great job.  He manages my mood swings easily and always knows how to make me laugh.  There are days when I just can't thank God enough for sending him to me.  So after watching this hilarious movie I was able to breathe a sigh of relief not only for finding Jake but in him finding a husband that will never stray or dare I say do anything with intention to hurt me.  I'll admit that fully trusting has always been a problem for me, but the longer we are married the more I trust, not just him, but in us and what we have found.  So, thanks for listening to this mushy post about how thankful I am for my sweet husband and our almost 1 year of marriage.  God has truly blessed us.