Captivating

This is going to be an interesting post, so bear with me.  Those of you that have known me for a while know that I have had a "hate/hate" relationship with my body.  Those of you that don't me that well are about to.  I'd like to say that as a professional therapist I got past my body image struggles years ago, but if I said that I'd be lying.  The majority of my life has been spent putting myself down and being really hard on my body.  I'm constantly trying to find ways to cut back or new motivations to get to the gym, but looking back on my life something occurred to me.  No matter how "thin" I was, it was never enough, in that moment I was still terribly unhappy with the body that God gave me.  The past month has been interesting for me.  Teaching body image to adult women I am realizing that I'm a hypocrite.  I'm encouraging them to appreciate the bodies that God gave them, when I am constantly berating mine.  The realization that I came to was this; until I embrace the body that God gave me I'm never going to be happy with it.  And as I was talking to a friend recently I realized that as tired as I am of being focused on my body, I'm even more tired of being negative about my body.  

God created me, it says so in Psalm 139, He created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Why is that not enough?  I used to think that if I was thinner I'd get a boyfriend, well, what does God do?  He brings Jake into my life at a time when I'm not sure I've felt worse about myself, and Jake falls in love with me anyway.  Now I have a husband who sees me the way God does....Captivating.  When I think about the look on my sweet Saviors face the day He made me it brings tears to my eyes.  If I allow myself to listen closely I can hear Him whisper:

Exquisite....

Beautiful...

Perfect...

Captivating....  

And as sure as I am that my Savior rejoiced the day he created me, He created my husband to love me unconditionally just as I am.  And while that is difficult for me to accept at times I am also realizing that the love I see in Jake's eyes when he looks at me is only a fraction of the love my Savior has for me.  But He brought Jake into my life to help me realize that beauty is not the size in the back of my jeans or how many times I get to the gym or even how much Coke I drink during the day.  Beauty is my heart, my faith and my soul, those are the things that are going to make me beautiful...captivating.

So, I've written all this to say that I'm throwing in the towel.  I'm giving up the fight.  I'm not giving up on being healthy, I'm simply giving up on being unhealthy in my thoughts and words about my body.  God created every curve, every line, and I will work diligently to thank God every day for this body and while I know at times it will be tough, I am committed to loving me for me and seeing myself the way that God and my sweet husband see me.

So, I ask for prayer, this will be a hard habit to break.