Well, as some of you may know my Mom was in the hospital last week. For those of you that don't know...now you do. I apologize for not calling everyone but to be honest I truly just wanted to forget it was occurring, so when I wasn't at the hospital or work, the last thing I wanted to talk or think about was my Mom. The reason for this post is because I am FRUSTRATED!!!! Now, it would be entirely inappropriate for me to share my frustration with my Mom and quite frankly it wouldn't make a difference. So, here is the root of my frustration. My Mom as had multiple opportunities to make her life better and to improve her health. Heck I was in the Dr's office with her when our Dr told her if you don't stop smoking TODAY things will get worse and your life will end..so what does she do...NOTHING!!! She continues to gamble and smoke and then expect me to clean up the mess. Now I'm sure some of this is sounding a bit selfish and ungrateful, she is my Mom after all, and honestly I am feeling a bit selfish. There has rarely been anything in my life that has not been altered by my Mom and her struggles. I probably wouldn't feel half as frustrated or resentful if she seemed the least bit grateful, but she doesn't. All she could talk about when I visited her is whether her boyfriend was going to come see her and how she wanted to go home, she didn't seem to care that she almost died. The biggest part of this hold situation that really frustrates me is the fact that last week I was totally emotionally unavailable for my husband. He did his best to try to help me, but there just wasn't anything he could do. As always he was patient with me and reassured me that would would find a way to take care of my Mom. But because of her bad choices it is now impacting my relationship with Jake. Again, I realize I sound incredibly mean and hateful, but I've got to get this out, because the reality of the situation is things are just going to continue to get worse because she isn't motivated to make changes and I am going to be the one responsible for finding out what to do next. I do have an older brother but he has never been much help. So, that leaves me and that makes me ANGRY!!!!
Now saying all of this is not to take away from the fact that I do love my Mom, but I'm tired of cleaning up after her. And I'm so tired of having to be the parent. Those of you that know me know that I will end up doing what I need to, but I had to vent about this situation. I really felt like it was changing me as a person and again, it would be pointless to tell my Mom any of this so, that makes all of you the lucky recipient's of information you would probably rather not have.
So, now I turn to God. I ask Him on a daily basis to soften my heart and give me the strength to deal with this situation. I've been through enough in my life to know that without Him there isn't much I can do on my own.
Thanks for listening and please keep me and my Mom in your prayers.
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3 comments:
Hey, you. I love you.
Call me if you need to. I don't know how I can help, but if you need me to look up information or make phone calls, just tell me(and I'll be on it like a fly on horse poo--just a little J humor to lighten you up!).
Try praying Romans 5:5--it has helped me so much when I'm struggling to love someone with my own rather limited ability to love.
Rom. 5:5 Father, I know that hope will not disappoint me because You have poured out Your love into my heart by the Holy Spirti, whom You have given me. Please help me to love ________ with your love, enabled by Your Spirit.
Try typing or writing this out on an index card and carrying it with you to pray whenever you're struggling. Eventually, you'll have the words in your heart and they'll become your first thought when faced with the frustration of our limited, human capacity to love.
I could take her out, I got connections on the inside ya know...just kidding. My "colorful" family is all I have to offer at this point. This problem is definitely one that only God can handle, none of us can even come up with some advice to solve the problem. I have told Amber there are times I wish I could move my immediate family (the 4 of us) to a remote island so we wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the world, which includes other family. But then we both realize we'd miss out on the good stuff too. So, even when you want to take Jake and run away because your mom might cause you to explode, God will get you through it so you can benefit from the other good things in life that you don't get when you run away.
Just believe God is who He says He is-an all-knowing loving God, and that He can do what He says He can do-all things are possible through Him AND you are who He says you are-His child which means He will take care of you--this I know you know!
Funny - but you and your mom were so heavy on my heart today, but didn't take the time to call. Wish I were there to help you, but you have your wonderful husband Jake who will comfort you and help you in your struggles. God will see you thru this, again, and all will be good. Remember Doc is there too - give them a call and he will make time for you - you know how to reach me while I am away and I will encourage and help from here if I can :) the other mother
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