The Journey Continues...

What a difference a year makes...

2011-12-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Well as I type this today it marks exactly 1 year since Sweet Ayden was born. Oh, how things have changed. Its fun and definately sentimental to look back on what Jake and I were doing last Christmas and what a precious gift we were given on this day. After experiencing possibly the longest night of my life we were blessed with a sweet boy....

Its been such an amazing year. Both challenging and wonderful. I've grown so much as a person this year. Ayden has stretched me not just as a Mom but as a wife as well. I really have a hard time remembering my life before this little boy. He has brought us such joy.

So, today we celebrate. We celebrate this little man, our health and this time of year. While at times its hard to be thankful for what we are given, today it comes very easy. We have been given the best gift of all and because of him our lives will never be the same.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy...Mamma loves you!!!

Cast the first stone.....

2011-10-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

First, I apologize for not posting more...I've been a bit busy the last 9.5 months :)

Up til now I've not had much on my mind to post about, sure being a new Mom is terrifying, but who wants to admit that...not me!! But recently something has come to my attention and I have to say it just makes me sad. It sort of even gets under my skin a bit too.

I am a part of one of the social networking sites. I enjoy it and its a good way for me to keep up with Jake's extended family in Chicago. As a part of this site you can "like" pages. Well, I have decided to "like" the Parenting Magazine page. I enjoy the magazine and find some helpful things in there. The magazine's page isn't the issue. Its the comments to their posts that trouble me so much. As a new Mom I guess I was naive to the fact that there are many other Mom's who would choose to judge and demean each other as opposed to encourage and support. I mean aren't we all in the same sleep deprived boat. Apparently we are not.

Its sad to me that the smallest thing that is meant to be an encouragement ends up being a firestorm of I'm a better Mom than you. It borders on ridiculous. Now, let me also say that I'm not perfect, I've had my moments of judgement, but come on. This is just sad. I'm blessed to have several very close friends who have children, so when I'm lost I know I can call them and get advice. I also know that all of us parent very differently so if their advice doesn't fit my situation they are not going to write me a scathing email about how they are doing it better because they can clean, cook, do laundry and teach their child Spanish all in one day. They are accepting and open.

I have to admit I'm intimidated. I would like to start taking Ayden on playdates, maybe join a Mom's group, but what if, what if I run into one of "those" Mom's. The Mom's that act like things are perfect and look down their perfectly powdered nose at you and your eyebrows that are grown out because getting in to have them done wasn't in the plan this week. What if????

It already sort of happens when I hear others talk about how their baby is sleeping this many hours at night, or takes this many naps during the day. I automatically think, if they knew that Ayden still wakes up sometimes at night or that we are just now working on getting him to take "scheduled" naps, what would they think? What would they say behind my back? What does that say about me as a Mom? I get frustrated, I don't think it should be this way. Motherhood is hard, really hard, whether you have one or 10, its hard work. This is the time when we should be standing together to support each other, not nit picking and cutting each other down. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me.

Because of this, I'm going to try very hard to be an encouragement to new Mom's, not judge, but be accepting and open. My prayer is that the part of the population that feels like its OK to act this way will have a wake up call. Nothing tragic just something that doesn't go right so they have to reach out and be...real. That's all. Just be real..and...KIND!

There is a new show out called "Up All Night". Its hysterical. Jake and I love it. This issue was played out nicely in the show. The main character is a working Mom and her husband stays at home. He had been taking their baby to a baby class and when the Mom started attending she did everything "wrong" and this was very much noted by one of the "mean" moms in the group. To make a long story short, after a confrontation, the main character runs into the "mean" Mom in the middle of a fight with her stroller. She can't get it to close. The main character steps into help can't get it to close either, and by the end of the scene both moms are stomping on the now broken stroller. It was a classic bonding moment. I guess that's my point. We are all one stroller malfunction away from complete chaos. So, lets be kind to each other and do some stroller stomping!

Labor of Love

2011-02-10T11:30:00.000-08:00

Well, this post is long in coming and as most of you know I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy Ayden on Dec 26th. Its been six weeks since he was born and I swear there are days I still look at him and think oh my God, I really did this. The road was not easy, and there have been ups and downs since, but I am continually filled with more gratitude and joy than I could have ever imagined. He is perfect. That in itself is a blessing. The labor was not easy, but then I guess it wouldn't be called labor now would it. It got scary, not just for me but for Jake as well. I ended up having a C-section after 25 hours of labor. Our little boy just wasn't ready to come and my body wasn't working like it should. As I lay there knowing that this was it, I was terrified. Terrified that something would go wrong, that Jake and I would leave the hospital once again without our baby, that something would happen to me, that Jake would have to face this new journey alone. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but indulge me if you will. It was scary and hard. Ayden was faltering, my blood pressure continued to rise. The reality was things got hairy. Jake was the essence of calm, it was amazing to see his strength during this time. I know it wasn't easy for him. He did amazing!

So, now as my little one sleeps I continue to be overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for him. I'd like to tell you that the worry has stopped, but those of you that know me well know that would be a lie. I continue to worry that Ayden is ok. That is when I have to remind myself that he is God's. God blessed us with him when we thought we weren't going to be parents, so I have to remember that above all...he is God's.

I also feel blessed to have had all my 'family' around me the entire time I worked to bring our boy into the world. Knowing that they were just outside the door praying and encouraging Jake really made the difference. I was once again reminded that this group of people is invaluable in my life. Without them I'm really not sure how my life would have ended up. I love you all more than words and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will attach some pictures so that you can meet the new man in my life. Its true that a baby changes everything, I think its changing me most. Things thatwere important before, just aren't important anymore. I am no longer defined by my education or career, but by my family that God has blessed me with. This complicates things as I am scheduled to go back to work in March, I'm not ready and right now shudder at the thought, but I am faithful that God will prepare me or open another door that will allow me to do both without one suffering. Truthfully right now, work would suffer, because there isn't anything I wouldn't do or sacrifice for my family. But as I said I am faithful and I know God will provide.

Here is Ayden Jacob:

Let the countdown begin!

2010-11-21T13:34:00.001-08:00

Well, I will first apologize for not posting more often. Things have been really busy, for all good reasons, and I know they will only continue to be busy. As of Friday I have 6 weeks left, seems so surreal as this time last year we were spending our nights at the hospital with Jake's Dad and we were about to experience yet another bump in our road to being parents. Its odd to look back and see that what we were dealing with and preparing for then is so much different than what we are preparing for now.

The nursery is done, the major needs have been purchased, all the classes have been taken, and now we wait. We wait for Ayden to arrive. I'm so excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I'm no fool and I completely understand that my life will never be the same, its already so different than it was just 34 weeks ago. My holiday will look different too, instead of our living room transforming into a Christmas spectacular, a pack in play sits where the tree would normally go and the reality that I'm just not in a place to do the decorating is beginning to set in. I made the decision to not do the tree. Mostly this is due to the level of control that I um..demand...over it. Jake has been amazing; cleaning, cooking, doing everything to make things easier for me. Putting up our tree, while so special and important to me, is not one of the areas I will ask him to sacrifice. Again, partly due to the fear that my level of criticism over how it "should" be done, would be just a bit over the top at this point. So, instead of seeing our tree and house in all its holiday glory, we will wait for the greatest gift of all, our Son. I know that this is the best decision, as the idea of taking down said decorations with a baby that is only a few days old to take care of is well...maddening.

I also want Jake and I to enjoy our last few days as us, as we have been since the beginning. We are both so ready to be parents, but also must continue to make time for us to be husband and wife, then mom and dad.

So, we continue to wait, on paper 6 weeks seems like a long time, but in reality, its just not. I only have a couple of weeks of work left, which I can't wait for. I mean really, really, really, can't wait for. I've been so appreciative of all the support and prayers through these last 8 months, they have meant a lot. I still have my moments of anxiety, but for the most part feel that the anxiety I have left is in the "normal" range.

So, as the weeks tick by I ask for continued prayers. Most of you know I'm not a patient person, but this is one time I want to savor every moment between now and the day Ayden arrives. I don't want to miss a thing!!!

Introducing.......

2010-08-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ayden Jacob Pemberton.....

Can't wait to meet you :)

Reality

2010-08-01T17:14:00.000-07:00

When I got married I swore to myself that I was going to write a book about what it was like to be engaged and document the first year of marriage. I think my primary goal in this was to give hope to those future brides out there that only got the "enjoy the honeymoon, it won't last long" and "that first year will be the toughest". I hated that. I must admit that most of these platitudes came from fellow Christians. I was annoyed to say the least. So now that I am approaching my 18th week of pregnancy I feel like writing a book about what its REALLY like to be preggo.

Now hear me, I am grateful beyond belief for this experience, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I find it ironic that when you are pregnant instead of people saying," you know its a blessing, but the gas it horrible" or "your child will be a wonderful gift, but those swollen feet are a pain in the butt", I get....enjoy it, or its just part of the territory, be thankful.

And I am. But I'm also uncomfortable, hot and jonesing to sleep on my stomach so bad its all I can think about at 3 o'clock in the morning when I am getting up for the 15th time to pee. I'm not a crier, I mean, I cry, but most of the time its my last resort. The last 4 months have been a tear fest. Anything triggers it, commercials, tv shows and spilling something on myself. I just cry. Poor Jake, he's not seen this side of me. Well, a little as we were working to be parents, but at least then I had reasons to cry...now...not so much.

I just want to restate that I am so unbelievably happy to be pregnant and am blessed that God has given me this gift, but the irony is hard to ignore. The one time in your life when you need rest and nourishment is the one time you can't sleep the way you want when you aren't in the bathroom and the list of foods you can't eat is 3 pages long. How I long for a turkey and provolone sub. Doesn't seem like a big request..but it is.

So, I'm beginning to take notes on my next dream book, there are a few already out there, but boy do I have some new information for the masses.

Yep its true!!!!

2010-07-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Well, as you can see from my rockin' new blog, Jake and I are expecting our first child in January. The last 16 weeks have been filled with tears, excitement and if you know me, lots of worry. I'm working hard on handing this child and this experience over to God, but the road to parenthood has not been an easy one for us, so that complicates things a little. However, as the weeks go by I am overcome with a growing sense of Joy and Hope. So even though worry still creeps in, I'm still enjoying the experience. As we go through this journey I will keep you all updated on how things go and even post pictures of our little one when we get some. I may even along the way share some of what Jake and I have been through in the last year, so brace yourselves. So, this is my long awaited post, well maybe not long awaited, but definitely long overdue. I re-read my last post and gosh, I'm amazed at how hopeful I was at the beginning of the year. I only hope that I will get back to that place of childlike hope and trust. But right now..I think I have to pee.

New Perspectives....

2010-01-03T16:18:00.000-08:00

So, as we begin a new year I'm faced with some new feelings. For the past 4 years I have dreaded the new year, mostly because there is one new year in particular that is forever burned into my memory. I have for the last four years, hidden and wished for the day to go by...quickly. This year, however, I held my head high, let the tears come and said "bring it on 2010!" What is the reason for my new found courage at facing the new year....nothing really spectacular, it mostly has to do with the ups and downs of 2009 and the disappointments that has come with that, the uncertainty at work and the dissatisfaction with my job and the inconsistencies with Jake's work, and family illnesses. And then of course there is the "big mess" from my last very long ago post.

I am ready for 2010 not because I think it is the magic year that everything is going to be "perfect" I simply see it as a fresh start. Hope I guess. Because to be honest, by the middle of December 2009 I didn't have much hope left. God and I were in the middle of a pretty good fire side chat, and I wasn't sure how the conversation was going to end. I knew how it "should" end, but the emotional part of me wanted it to end with me saying forget it and doing things my way. Now, I realize this is never a good idea, but at the time...it seemed like a good plan. Lucky for all involved that is not how the conversation ended.

I could hear God whispering to be patient, and as I've mentioned before this is always a area that I've struggled with. However, I think God and I are gonna be OK. Actually, I know we will. I know that the things that have occurred this year have a purpose, and I am committed to trusting God to see this through.

So, for me 2010 means hope. Hope that we get second, third, fourth chances. Hope that what transpired in 2009 will not be in vain, hope that Jake and I will get the one desire of our hearts that seems out of reach right now.

Hope and knowledge that God is Sovereign, He never leaves, nor does he promise life will be easy, but He does promise that we will be OK.

As we look ahead at 2010, we get refocused. We want to continue to be healthy and get out of the house more to help make that happen. We want to get more involved with our church and a small group. I personally want to grow stronger in my relationship with God and focus on trusting him more.

While these are not resolutions...I personally don't believe in them, they are statements of faith and I would ask for accountability from all of you for these things. Its easy when possibilities seem endless to be hopeful, but when things get difficult or disappointment creeps in it makes it more difficult to stay on track. So, prayers would be great.

I hope the new year brings everyone a new sense of hope and may you all be blessed this year!

the big mess....

2009-10-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

You know those time in your life when you have a plan, and you can't wait until you see that plan come to life?

Then, out of the blue, the plan gets run through a blender and comes out a big jumbled mess.

That's where I am right now.

I have this big jumbled mess of a plan sitting before me and I have no freaking idea what to do with it. Part of me wants to scream and throw it everywhere, another part of me wants to shove it in a drawer and pretend it will just magically put itself back together and yet another part of me just wants to throw it away and forget the plan. Move to a different plan, forget this one ever crossed my mind. But, to my frustration none of these options seem to work. I've tried being angry and flinging my plan around, and I've tried ignoring it and pretending that everything is as it should be. I've even tried to forget about it, this is the option that brings the most frustration. I want to forget, be happy with what I have, enjoy the parts of my life that aren't a big pile of goo, but I can't.

And this makes me angry.

I have an amazing husband, and right now I'm consumed with my broken plan. I'm edgy, irritable, quiet. He wants to help with the plan, but he can't. Right now the reality is...it can't be fixed. It's broken, ruined, only bits of it remain recognizable.

Right now I'm beginning to resent the plan. I look back at pictures of when our life wasn't so focused on this plan and things seemed simpler, now there is complication, frustration and exhaustion. Now things are a big mess.

If I can say one positive thing about this mess its that during it all Jake and I have clung to each other, grown closer, love each other deeper. But, its still a big mess.

I hate messes, I hate this mess most of all.

CHICAGO is....My kind of town!

2009-09-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well, we finally made it to Chicago. Wow, what a great trip. Jake has a lot and I mean a lot of family in Chicago so we were able to spend a lot of time with them. But Jake and I also got to explore Downtown Chicago with the help of his Uncle Brad and Grampa Pemberton.

This is a picture of Jake and I at Millennium Park, so beautiful. We were blessed to have a gorgeous day of weather.

We were able to go up into the Sears tower, well now its the Willis Tower, I'll post pictures on that experience later. It was awesome.
This is a picture of me, Jake's Mom and his two Aunts, Debbie and Cheryl. We were in a little town called Long Grove. It had the cutest little shops. So much holiday decorations and knick knacks...could have gone crazy...good thing I had restraint and limited luggage space :)The next couple of pictures are at Jake's Grandparents house. They have a beautiful home and it was a true blessing to see all of his family again. The last time I saw them was at our wedding. Needless to say, I didn't get to spend much time with them. I really can't express how awesome it was to be there. I've always wanted a big family and now I've married into one. It was a great time of fun and bonding.
The last picture is a picture of all of the grandchildren with Grandma and Grandpa Shoemaker. All but 2 grandchildren were at the house on Saturday. It was really amazing. Truthfully I can't wait to go back. Jake and I are already talking about a trip back.

There is another big family trip next June to Rockport, MA. I'm so excited. Jake hasn't been with his family for a long time. It was so great to see him with his cousins and see them reconnect. Such a loving and welcoming family. I knew God blessed me when he sent me Jake and his parents, but I had no idea what else came along with the deal.

Chicago is definitely my kind of town.

Bigger....

2009-08-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

So, recently I've had to be reminded that God is Bigger. Remember the job opportunity I posted about last time? Well, that door closed. So, I'm back to square one. I know that God is bigger than this. I am now faced with trusting that God knows my heart and knows that I need something different, I need less stress, less inconsistency and more stability. But God says "Not Now" and I know that he is bigger. He is bigger than my frustration and He is bigger than the knot in the pit of my stomach on Sunday nights from knowing that tomorrow I have to go back. He is bigger.

I tell myself that a lot these days. He is bigger than a lot of things. I have to remember that. I read a post from another blog today that hit home about this subject. Basically, whether our lives are "perfect" or whether they are in complete turmoil, we still have the opportunity to see the positive. We have a choice to continue to be grateful for what we have been given or focus on all that's wrong. This is difficult for me and always has been. Its always easier for me to wallow in the negative, feel sorry for myself and give up. But if God is bigger than my pity party, then I can be bigger too.

Well, at least I can try.....

Happenings....

2009-07-26T15:25:00.001-07:00

Well, there has been a lot happening in our little part of the world, some exciting, some not all that exciting. Since I posted last Jake and I took a road trip to Colorado. We have family that has land up there and I used to spend a lot of my summers there. Its been several years since I've been there and Jake has never been. So, needless to say I think his first trip was a success. He saw Durango, Telluride and experienced fishing for the first time. He was such a good sport, and up for just about anything. He even took the gondula ride from Mountain Village down into the town of Telluride, for most of us this isn't a big deal, but Jake isn't much for heights. He didn't flinch. We spent time with some great friends and relaxed. It was just what we needed. I included some photos. More will come in later posts, especially the one of Jake fishing. He is now such the outdoorsman!

Work for Jake has picked up again which is a huge blessing and relief. Now we can get back on track with our get out of debt plan. Talking about work, last week an unexpected opportunity presented itself and I'm offically going for it. Now, I haven't had time to tell everyone the details yet, but it could be a move in a different direction away from the turmoil going on at my current place of employment. So, I could use prayers that my application goes smoothly and that all of the pieces fall into place. I've been ready for a move for a very long time, but with new changes happening at my current job, the desire to find something new has now turned into a need.

There is the quick update on our lives for now. Lots going on, life is busy, but life is Good!

And the second year begins.....

2009-05-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

So, I realize I have been off the radar lately and that is for a few reasons. One I haven't really had much to say...I know..its a miracle and secondly Jake and I have been crazy busy. We have been back and forth for a few months about whether or not we would be going to Chicago with his family at the end of this month. Unfortunately due to work being inconsistent in March we had to scrap that trip, but luckily we are definitely going in September, which I'm really excited about. I've never been to Chicago, well, maybe I flew threw there on one of my trips to Connecticut, but I've never actually stepped foot on Chicago soil. I'm anxious to do that. Jake spent about 10 years of his life there and I'm excited to see where he came from. We feel like we have known each other forever, but in reality there are still small parts of each others life we haven't seen. This summer we are planning to go to Colorado, the small part of my life Jake has never seen. I love it there, I'm sure he will as well.

We also got new carpet...YIPPEE!!!! I love new carpet and since at some point we will sell the condo I was able to convince my sweet husband that new shiny carpet would help. Well, it didn't take much convincing. It's beautiful and definitely worth the 2 weeks of up hevel we have been living in. See, we were supposed to have it in 2 weeks ago, but it didn't come in when planned so we had been living in a house where parts of the carpet were torn up and nothing is in its right place. Those of you that know me know that this particular type of disorganization does not work well with me. But, now after 2 weeks and 3 nights at the in laws things are back to normal and more beautiful than before. Its like I have a whole new home. I'm thankful for that.

The beginning of this second year has brought a lot more gratitude than I thought possible. I was grateful before, but the ups and downs of the last 6 months has made be really focus on what I need as opposed to what I want. Now, I didn't NEED new carpet, it was definitely a want, but that aside life's priorities are still shifting and I'm more focused on what I need on a daily basis as opposed to what I want. Jake is a wonderful husband and in the last six months its been my job to remind him of that regardless of the circumstances. I'm focusing more on how I can lift him up than find flaws. I'm also so grateful for my friendships and my faith. Both have pushed me through so many ups and downs in my life that now is no different.

So, gratitude is again the feeling on my heart. It wavers, but it never goes away.

For that I will be forever....grateful.

Reflection

2009-04-19T14:51:00.001-07:00

1 year....I really can't believe it. Sometimes I think back to when Jake and I met and really thank God that he can work miracles because as some of you know...that's what it took to get us where we are today.

You see, for those of you that don't know, as much as I wanted to be married and live the "happily ever after" life when Jake walked into my life I FREAKED! He would say I am being hard on my self by saying that. But others of you know...its true. See Jake was raised in a family that gives lots of affirmations and compliments. While I always dreamed of being adored and found to be beautiful when Jake started telling me how beautiful he thought I was or how much I meant to him I thought he was...well...I thought he was crazy. I never received those types of affirmations from any other man in my life, so it was weird and awkward to say the least and quite frankly I almost ran the other direction. Lucky for me, God is good and Jake is patient.

So hear we are, our 1 year wedding anniversary. I'm not sure how to sum this year up. I know some say that the first year of marriage can be the most difficult, and as much as I may want to conform and agree with that, I have to say for us it wasn't. I'll stop for a moment so everyone can roll their eyes..done..ok, moving on. We have had ups and downs, but none that caused me to question my decisions or the person that I make those decisions with. We have been on a learning curve, but we are learning together. Sure there are times when I have to take a deep breath and remember that its not just about me and this isn't just my home. Its ours. But overall we have had a great first year. Its not been perfect, but I'm not sure either of us expected it to be. We just wanted to be with each other, grow and build a life.

Mission accomplished.

For a long time I had made sure that my life wasn't "dependent" on anyone else. I ensured that I was self sufficient and could do things for myself. When I met Jake that was truly the hardest adjustment. While I've grown in this area there are still times when fear grips me and tells me that relying on someone doesn't ever end well, and my independence rears its ugly head and I will do something just to show Jake that I can...to show him that I AM CAPABLE. He just laughs shakes his head and lets me have my moment. This response reminds me that I'm being silly and that I need to continue to surrender not only to my sweet husband, but to God and the gift he gave me in Jake.

We are by no means done learning about each other, nor are we done growing, but I think we have gotten off to a good start. I'm so excited to see what our future holds, this year and the many years to come.

So, we celebrated all weekend. I included a few pictures, one of us from the melting pot...awesome experience by the way and then a couple from this morning. Taken in the truck waiting at Coffee Bean on the way to church. Not sure why I wanted to take those, but they are fun.

We are off on to another years journey. I will keep everyone updated on the happenings in our little corner of the world.

Zoo Trip

2009-04-12T12:48:00.001-07:00

Well, Jake and I have been trying to get to the zoo for weeks. We of course picked this weekend to go, the one weekend that it was raining! But we got sooo blessed and even though it sprinkled for a little bit when we arrived it eventually cleared up and we enjoyed the perfect day. Here I am petting the stingray's. It was seriously the coolest thing, they just came right up to you.

Here is Jake petting the stingray's. He looks so handsome. We has so much fun.

Here is another one of me, the only bummer of the day was that we didn't get any pictures of the two of us.
We seriously had the best day, we have been really trying to get out more and do stuff that isn't just seeing a movie and coming home. This was number one on our list, our next one might be a trip to Sedona or Flagstaff. There really is so much around us that is beautiful and we need to get out and see it. Here is Jake with the Giraffe's well, there is only one giraffe in the picture but they were everywhere. Jake also took a lot of pictures of the spider monkey's. They were so close, it was a little freaky at first, but it ended up being very cool. I'll post those pictures later.
After the zoo Jake and I went to Saturday night service at CCV. It was great. It was the perfect end to a wonderful day.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter!

Celebration

2009-04-05T18:22:00.001-07:00

Friday was Jake's birthday. We have celebrated all weekend. Friday night we went to Benihana, if you've never been and you like Asian food I would definitely recommend it. It is an Asian restaurant where they cook the food in front of you. It was great! Jake had such a good time and is still talking about it. I was so glad that it was a good time for him. One of my big fears is always making big plans and then those plans not living up to the expectations, but this did. Here a picture of the evening. They took this at the restaurant and gave it to us for FREE.

It really was a great night. We went to lunch with Jake's parents on Saturday and continued the celebration. It really has been a great weekend.

This month actually signifies more celebration for us. In just 2 weeks we will have been married for 1 year!! I can't really believe it. It seems like longer but in the good way, not in the oh my gosh who did I marry way. I really do feel like I have known Jake my entire life. In reality we have known each other for a little over 2 years. I know I've gloated about him over this past year several times, and I'd like to tell you that now that we've been married for a year that will stop, but...it won't. He continues to be an amazing husband, and a wonderful friend.

So, brace yourselves for more bragging.

Our first year together has been amazing and I will write more about that as it gets closer. We continue to be blessed and I'm sure our next year...years will be equally wonderful. We have faced trials this year, and I'm sure we will continue to, but its nice to know that when those trials come I have Jake by my side.

Happy Birthday Honey!

Hills and Valleys.....

2009-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Before I start this post I need to make an introduction, most of you know him, but for the few that don't this is my baby brother Vince.

I'm including him in this post because he has been on my mind so much lately and while I feel a little apprehensive sharing this here, its been on my mind for a long time and in my heart even longer. So, this is my sweet brother and he is no longer with me.

Now on to the title of the post. I'm a therapist, I work with women and girls everyday helping them manage their emotions find new ways to deal with their pain and have a better more balanced life. I know how to teach someone to deal with grief, but the truth of the matter is there is no sure fire way to "deal" with grief. Believe me I've tried. I've used the rules on myself and the whole time I kept thinking what a bunch of hooey it was. Now, don't misunderstand me, the stages of grief are real, I've experienced all of them multiple times and continue to experience them. Hence the title of the post. I am heading to a valley of this process. Its been 3 years and all the crap that people say about time healing the pain, well its just that....a bunch of crap. My theory is that time doesn't heal the pain, you just manage to find other ways to deal with it, or have other things that help you not focus on it every second of the day. Now this may not be a surprise to any of you, but I felt the need to share it anyway.

I have been blessed in the years since Vince died, so in times, like now, when I am angry and sad and missing the sound of his voice I feel guilt. I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, that I should be OK, but the truth is, sometimes I'm not. Even with all I'm blessed with I want my brother back. I want to be able to make new memories with him, I want him to meet Jake...God they would be so annoying together:) So, I'm in a valley. I know I will climb out and be on the hill top again and somehow all of this will make some sense, but right now it doesn't and I wish it did.

My life is good.

I am Blessed.

My faith in God is STRONG.

I miss my Brother.

God says I told you so....

2009-02-22T13:18:00.000-08:00

Well, as many of you know the last several months at work has been less than great and that is being kind. But oddly in the last 2 weeks the tides have changed. I had some time off for my birthday and then I had to do some training at our main facility, 2 different days over the past 2 weeks and truthfully it couldn't have come at a better time. I was not really looking forward to taking on more responsibility, however I was definitely up for learning new things to change things up a bit. My caseload at work shifted as well. Several particularly difficult patients left and being able to go back to my old stomping grounds and be reminded that I am good at what I do was really a gift from God. So while I still struggle with wanting other things in my life, right now God has once again come in and calmed my restless heart. It was just the refocus and rejuvenation I needed.

I'm continually surprised at God's ability to step in just when things seem their worst. God has done this many times in my life so it speaks to my level of stubbornness that I am still surprised when He answers prayers in ways that are different than what I have requested but somehow better than what I could have wanted. I believe with all my heart that God knows what we need even when we don't or more specifically we don't want what we need we want what we WANT. Its in those moments that its hard to see God's blessing, but we have to realize we have been blessed nonetheless. Would I have preferred God allow Jake and I to win the lottery so I could quit my job and live a life of leisure, heck ya! God knows however that there is a better plan out there and it once again comes down waiting on His timing not mine.

So, now I'm grateful that God has brought about renewal in me to continue His work with my patients and will wait patiently for what He has planned next.

He's just not that into you...

2009-02-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

Well, Jake and I went to see the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" for part of our Valentine's date night. It was a cute movie and filled with a lot of harsh truths. Honestly, I wish this movie had come out a whole lot sooner. I felt so embarrassed for one of the main characters mostly because I remember the days that I used to do a lot of things she did to try to understand the guys I was interested in. The staring at the phone the reading into every comment made or even the comments that weren't made. It was insane!!! I left the theater feeling so grateful to have found Jake when I did. He tries so hard everyday to be the best husband he can be and he does a great job. He manages my mood swings easily and always knows how to make me laugh. There are days when I just can't thank God enough for sending him to me. So after watching this hilarious movie I was able to breathe a sigh of relief not only for finding Jake but in him finding a husband that will never stray or dare I say do anything with intention to hurt me. I'll admit that fully trusting has always been a problem for me, but the longer we are married the more I trust, not just him, but in us and what we have found. So, thanks for listening to this mushy post about how thankful I am for my sweet husband and our almost 1 year of marriage. God has truly blessed us.

Home Sweet Home

2009-02-09T18:18:00.001-08:00

We have made it home from not so sunny California. It was a great trip even though it rained the entire, yes I mean entire time we were there. Here is Jake waiting in line for "Its a Small World", I'm not sure he'd want me broadcasting that he willingly went on that particular ride...but I guess its too late for that now isn't it?

Even though it was a wet trip it was still a great way to spend my birthday. We met up with Steven and Susan and their little girl...here she is...isn't she the cutest?
It was great to catch up with them and a nice way to take a break from the weather. And we celebrated my 35Th birthday...Ugh...35, is it weird I still feel 18?
I got my very own Happy Birthday button, truthfully the only reason I wanted to go to the park on my birthday. All in all it was wonderful to be away and spend time together. One small disturbing thing happened while we were gone though. I had given myself permission to drink Coke while I was at Disneyland. I was so excited, I had a full on Coca-Cola binge planned, but oddly enough when I did drink it, I only had one, no refills no 32oz ( a new addition at DL by the way), just the normal size coke. What is wrong with me. Even on my birthday, only one refill, I never thought the day would come when I would willingly drink coke in moderation. I guess old age does strange things to people. I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore...ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but something new and different none the less. So, now I'm back to no Coke and oddly I'm ok with it, not loving it but ok. Who am I?????

4 Days and counting!

2009-02-01T12:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, so in four days Jake and I will be on a plane headed for Anaheim, Ca and the happiest place on earth-Disneyland! Words can not express how excited I am. Sure I'm excited about the park, we haven't been since last June and I could you a few good spins on Big thunder mountain and a nice fall from the Tower of terror, but mostly I'm just excited to be getting the heck out of dodge. As I've shared, work has been so stressful for me, Jake and his Dad have been working a big job that has required early mornings and late nights. It will definitely be so nice to not have pressures or responsibilities for the weekend. I'm also super excited because I'll actually be at the park on my birthday, its never happened before and it will just add to the fun and maybe lighten the sting of my 35Th...UGH! We are also meeting up with some friends while there so it will be a time for us to catch up with them. So, even though right now I'm checking my phone constantly because I'm on call, in a few hours it will be Monday and that responsibility will be given to someone else and all I will have to do is get through 3 days of appointments and groups and then I will be a free woman for 4 whole days!

Needless to say these next few days will go by slowly, but I know I can persevere and make it...wow that sounded really dramatic. Apparently I have a hidden flair for drama...who knew?

I'll be sure to post photos when we get back, I'm sure we will take plenty.

Oh....and....

GO CARDINALS!!!!!!!

Staying the Course

2009-01-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

I know I've posted in the past about how I'm struggling with work. I'd like to say this is a post about how things have turned around and I'm just totally happy and content with my job, well its not that kind of post.

Things are still not good. There is still pressure to extend patients in order to keep revenue coming in and on top of that I have a caseload full of drug users who, yep you guessed, found a way to use drugs while in treatment. Its fantastic! For those of you who don't know me well, that last comment was pure sarcasm. I keep praying that God would continue to give me the strength to do what I do. But I can't help ignore the fact that my heart just isn't in it anymore. That's not to say that I don't have moments when the old fire is there, but those are rare these days.

I'm saying all of this because while all of this is true I was reminded in church today that God calls us to do things and while He uses our gifts in these situations, He also calls us to make sacrifices. So, I know that this is only a season, and that other things are around the corner, so I need prayer to stay the course. As each Monday approaches I feel a sense of doom, starting tomorrow I'm going to try to approach each week with gratitude for a job. Jake and I are really focusing on getting out of debt, with my salary we can do that faster. So, for now I sacrifice so that in the future Jake and I can have a worry free life. And truthfully that is totally worth any sacrifice I might have to make.

Renewal

2009-01-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

As much as I love Christmas and the holiday season and as much as I enjoy the cold weather something happens to me when its cold out. I start feeling stuffy and closed in, things that I normally pay close attention to are let go....like my little toes. Pedicures aren't quite a priority when its cold out, not sure who made that rule or more importantly why I'm following it but I do. But I got a pedicure this weekend and I feel renewed. Maybe it was the facial that went along with it or maybe it was the company(one of our best ideas yet Lees), but I feel fresh this week. Some other things have changed as well, most of you will probably fall out of your chairs when I say this but I'm going on 2 weeks, that's right 14 days without Coke. I miss it dearly, its a true treat that I enjoy, but this was one change that I've never been able to make, in the past I've always stopped drinking Coke and started drinking Coke Zero or Diet...YUCK! But not this time. Only ice tea, no soda. Oh, how I miss it. But I'm also pretty proud of myself, I really didn't think I could do it, but apparently I can...yea Me!

So, not only did my outside get an early spring spruce up, so did my insides. So, now since we are having a bit of a warming trend this week I can wear my flip flops proudly and my toes are pretty!

I've made sure to let Jake know that from now on pedicures need to find a place into the budget because they are so fabulous!

A New Year

2009-01-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

Its hard to believe that this time last year I was anxiously awaiting our Wedding. It seems just like yesterday that the preparations began, but truthfully its been almost a year. Crazy!

Our new year started off quietly since both of us were under the weather. I'm not sure I would have done anything differently even if we were feeling better. As most of you know Vince died New years day, so new years is just one of those days for me. This year I had been rather quiet about Vince but my sweet husband was on top of it. When I got home from work New years eve a beautiful vase of roses was waiting for me. It was a wonderfully thoughtful act, one that I'll admit I did not expect. I guess that even though he lost a brother as well, I never expect him to be thinking about it as much as I do. But I know he does. It is things like that that bring me to my knees and thank God everyday for the precious man he sent me.

Last year our lives were centered around the wedding, this year we are excited to continue to work on getting out of debt and getting back in shape. There is always a ton of talk about the freshman 15, but no one warns you about the newlywed black hole. All this bliss can do a number on your figure :) I wouldn't trade it though, a few extra pounds is a small price to pay for the happiness I'm experiencing. We are also branching out and joining a community group at our church. This is a stretch for us, but we are committed and want to get connected in church not just show up on Sundays.

So, as we begin the 2nd week of the new year we look forward to all the exciting things God has in store and the new people we will meet. The other thing I'm doing right now is reading The Shack. Its such a great book and truthfully I wish I had it after Vince died. It definitely makes you think. I'm not even half through and its difficult to put it down, its been a while since a book has held my attention like that.

Well, I know this has been a rambling post, but what better way to start a new year of blogging:)

A New Christmas

2008-12-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Christmas isn't new, but for me this year it is. I was on call this weekend so my plans were few and mostly included doing stuff around the house since being on call lately has been quite eventful. God was gracious and I ended up having a quiet weekend with the pager and didn't even have to go in Saturday to do a tour. So, I was able to relax before the whirlwind that is Steve, Jake's younger brother, comes to town Tuesday. Sunday my mission was to bake, bake and bake. Last year I didn't really bake much, mostly because I was planning a wedding and was obsessively watching what I ate for fear of hating my wedding photos, we all know how that turned out...I love them! (but for reasons beyond how I look).

I began baking Sunday morning and didn't finish until around 3. It was so nice to be in our house, listening to Christmas music while Jake napped upstairs knowing that this year I was baking for "My" family, not to take stuff to work or give as gifts but for "My" family. Jake decided that he was going to help with the chocolate chip cookies (his favorite):

Not to worry though, he really didn't eat that, and now he has lots of yummy cookies.

The realization that my life is now totally different kept washing over me. Even a year ago it didn't feel this good, and a year ago I wasn't sure how it could get better, being in love, planning a wedding, but now, making a home with the man I love more than I thought humanly possible is so much better. So, this Christmas is like none I've experienced and I'm sure there are many more surprises and warm feelings around the corner.

Many Blessings and Merry Christmas!

Whew...What a weekend!

2008-12-14T17:25:00.001-08:00

Well, this weekend was a busy one, but it was great! It started Friday night when we met Amber, Jason and Miss Megan in Glendale for a quick, and I mean quick visit with Santa a little bounce in a house and off to dinner. We hadn't planned on meeting them in Glendale, but everything just worked out for the best. Jake had never seen downtown all lit up so it was great. It was so great to catch up and have lots of laughs over dinner. Saturday morning I took Jake's Mom Christmas shopping, it was a nice time and its always fun to spend time with her, yes I am talking about my mother in law, what can I say, I'm blessed:). After a bit of rest Jake and I met Lisa, Wade and all of the Egglets at Zoolights. Here is the walk way up to the zoo;

Wow, I bet your thinking gosh that's a lot of people, well your right! We went with the Egglet family last year one weekend later and it wasn't as crazy as it was on Saturday. I kept saying that it felt like being at Disneyland but not quite as organized. We had a great time, here is Lees and I at the beginning of the night;
Its always so fun to hang out with them, Jake loves Noah, but shhhhh...don't tell his Mom. We are already getting those not so subtle baby hints. :) And yep, a newer picture of me and my sweet husband.
While at the zoo, Noah got a souvenir and so did Jake...this is Jake's new ride along in the work truck.
I told Jake his eyes were a bit freaky, but I guess they grow on you...well...maybe not. And just as quickly as it started the night ended and Addie was still smiling, of course she was also ready to get down and give the monkeys are run for their money but Lisa managed to keep her out of the monkey cage. She is just too cute!
Noah took a little time away from looking for airplanes to take a picture with Jake and I. We had a great time.
As always it was a wonderful time to hang out and visit. As you can see Jake got to use his new camera and these are just a few of the pictures he took, he was like a paparazzi, there were flashes everywhere. As I'm writing we are watching Christmas Vacation, a Christmas classic. Who doesn't experience some part of the Griswold holiday? I can't believe Christmas is 11 days away. I'm excited to do some holiday baking next weekend and I'm really looking forward to getting together with family and friends. This year has already brought so many blessings I'm excited for what the future holds.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-10T18:10:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm only a few weeks late with this post but here goes. We spent Thanksgiving with Jake's family and his brother came into town. Here is Jake preparing to carve the turkey, I love the apron don't you :)

And here is a picture of Stephen trying to sneak a bite of the freshly carved turkey

I'd say that sneaking things isn't normally in Steve's nature, but that wouldn't be quite accurate. We spent lots of time running around with his family and went to see the move Four Christmases, I along with the rest of Jake's family found it hysterical. We did find time over the weekend to finish the decorating at our house, here is Jake putting the star on the tree
Isn't he cute???? I think so. I was pretty pleased how the tree turned out this year, I'll admit that I did most of the decorating when Jake was busy doing other stuff, but he was there to help. Here is a picture of the finished tree, looks pretty darn good:)
Jake was also around to put these special ornaments on our tree. Most of you know that we love Disneyland and we got these as a wedding present...they look great...Thanks Deb!
So we are all ready for Christmas, our shopping is done and now we can just sit back and enjoy the hustle and bustle of the season. We have a busy couple of weeks coming up, but its all good stuff. Hope you all are enjoying your Christmas season!

Simple Christmas

2008-11-24T17:12:00.000-08:00

In church over the last month we have been doing a series on "Simple Christmas". It's been a great eye opener. The 3 main points of our study was to focus on the "true" meaning of Christmas by keeping Christ at the center, spend less money and create an experience as a memory instead of focusing on material things and lastly give more. Give to those who have less that you do. Right now I'm sure that is the tough one, how are we going to give to our families let alone to others we don't even know. During that last few weeks I've gone to church with an open mind and an open heart, and I think I can honestly say that at least for the last few years, I've tried very hard to stay focused on the reason for Christmas and that without Christ we wouldn't have this time of year. And I have been blessed that for as long as I can remember Christmas day has been a day of creating memories. I rarely remember what I get, but I remember the get together's, the yummy brunches and the days of shave gel on the living room ceiling. I also remember surprise visits from Vince and seeing how happy he was for us to be together with great friends for what turned out to be our last Christmas together. I remember laughing so hard I cried and crying because now there is a hole in my holiday. But the point that convicted me the most was giving more. Jake and I have already decided that we are going to go to the mall and give by picking an angel from the salvation army tree. That was a program that put gifts under my tree more than once and I want to be sure to give back. The point was making true sacrifice. We are both still trying to figure out what that sacrifice will look like but with prayer we are asking God to lead us. We have been blessed, immensely blessed, we know we are called to share that blessing with others.

So, I guess the point of this post is 2 fold, first go to www.ccvonline.com and download the podcast of the Simple Christmas message, its powerful. And secondly, ask yourself where will you sacrifice to spread the blessings you have been given?

If you hear the message I'd love to hear your thoughts. I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving!

Catching Up

2008-11-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted in a while so let me catch you up on what's been going on. We had a small Halloween party on the 25Th here are some pictures...

Unfortunately we didn't take as many pictures as we thought, these were some of the best ones. Jake did the decorating outside and was very proud of his dead pirate. We had a great time and it was fun to catch up with our friends. The next week was Halloween so we carved a pumpkin, well I should say Jake carved it, I just didn't have the patience for it...go figure. This is where I was going to put the pictures, but my blog is being stupid and as I suggested earlier, my patience can't take much.

As you all know its now November and we have a new President. I have to say I've never been so glad for something to be over with in my life. I hate politics and I hate elections. It has been interesting for me to watch and hear the reactions of people now that a new leader as been elected. Some are worried, others hopeful and yet others indifferent. I have to say I'm in the indifferent category. The things that would normally worry me about our new leader I try to put into perspective, most everything we have read or heard about him has been skewed by others, this was true of all election coverage. Which I might add is why I hate it all so much. But when perspective doesn't work I give it to God, because ultimately He knows how this is all going to work out and since I trust Him, my worry isn't going to really do much good.

And now we move on to the holidays. I can't wait, as I'm writing this post I'm in long jammies and covered with a blanket, the windows are open and its chilly....FINALLY! It really is my favorite time of year. I can hardly wait to decorate and for Jake and I to have are true first Christmas together. Its going to be great! I'll keep everyone posted on the holiday happenings!

6 Months!!!

2008-10-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Well, some of you know that today is our 6 month anniversary. I really can't believe that its been 6 months already. Time flies when you are happy and in love I guess. We've been through a lot in the past 6 months and I'm not ashamed to say that most of it has been good stuff, a few challenges here and there, but for the most part good, good stuff. Standing in church this morning worshipping my God that has done so much the realization at just how much my life has changed in the past 2 years washed over me. Tears came to my eyes, my life is so different than it was not too long ago and I'm now experiencing so many of the things that I only dreamed of. God is good!

We've been up to a lot this month as well, here is a picture of Jake and I at Rawhide, Jake likes haunted houses and all the spooky stuff associated with Halloween so as my wifely duty I went with him to a haunted house. Needless to say I didn't see much but the ground since I refused to look up and let go of Jake...oh well, I gave it a try right?

The picture was taken post haunted house hence my calm appearance. It was a great night, the weather was really cool that night, no really it was in the 60's we loved it.

The past 6 months have been wonderful, again, not without challenges and learning curves, but wonderful nonetheless. I really can't wait to see what the next 6 months has in store.

A tug that sometimes feels like a PULL

2008-10-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm writing this post after yet another week that has called my purpose into question. After talking this through with a few people I've come to realize that I do believe that God is yet again preparing me for transition. I sent a cryptic email to a friend during the day Tuesday that basically stated that it was days like this Tuesday that made me wonder if my priorities have shifted so much that I have lost the purpose for what I am currently doing. And the answer is yes and no. I still believe that God gave me this gift to use to help save these women and girls I work with, and I also believe that God has answered the desire of my heart to be a wife and eventually be a Mom. Although I have seen many women that I work with do both, I'm not sure I'm made that way. Do I still want to make a difference in people's lives, YES, but at this point I'm not sure what that is going to look like in the future. All I know is when I got home Tuesday night I declared to Jake that I didn't care what we had to do, I'd even give up cable if it meant I could stay home after we have kids. (I know, giving up TV...Yes it was that bad of a day) The truth of the matter is we are doing everything we can to make that a reality.

In the past my heart was with my work, I was excited to get there and kick some eating disorder butt, now my heart and admittedly my mind is elsewhere. God knows this, but since we aren't using my clock, I'm waiting on his timing. You'd think I'd be an expert at this...but I'm not. I am not wanting to rush things either, but I know my heart at work grows weary, I turn to God, because honestly, by Wednesday morning I wanted to throw in the white flag and accept defeat, but God knows best and its now Thursday evening and I have survived yet again. I will end this week with praise from my team, a couple of new pay increases (Whoo Hoo) and 2 full days of freedom. I will also be one week closer to the next surprise that God has waiting for me. Its hard, I want to be done, but I know I need to be there, I look around and while this week my abilities were called into question, there is evidence all around me that I am still making a difference, I am good at what I do and God is still using me. But I feel Him also tugging me or should I say pulling me into another direction, but I wait on Him. Not giving into my own urgency and inpatience.

What a week!

2008-09-28T18:31:00.000-07:00

Well, this week has kicked my butt. This is the first week since I switched centers that I wanted to just call it a day and go into retail. I have one patient in particular that has been having a difficult time and then just when I felt that I was able to get her into a good spot another patient goes off the deep end. And to add insult to injury this was my first week on call. So needless to say it was a long, long week and an equally long weekend. I think Jake took the worst of it though. This was his first real experience with seeing me completely emotionally drained from work. I felt so bad for him. Wednesday night I was a shell, I came home and had nothing left and he had been waiting all day to see me and spend time together and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and not say a word. As usual he was so patient with me and did everything he could to try to help, but it was useless, I was done for. I know that what I do is a gift from God, because there are times that I'm not sure how I get through what I do, but there are other times, like this week when I struggle with my Gift. When I see the impact it has on my sweet husband and how it prevents me from being available for him, I want to give it back. But we can't do that. I know I'm called to do both. Save the lives of others while being a wife to my husband. I'm learning as I'm sure most of you have learned as well that serving God takes sacrifice. I know that I am serving God through the job I do and while this week I felt like I was making sacrifice after sacrifice I can trust that I will be rewarded and blessed beyond imagination for being a good and faithful servant.

Fall

2008-09-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't posted in a while and mostly that is because nothing interesting has struck me. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that, I do have quite a bit on my mind, but this blog isn't the place to work that stuff out. I know, that sounds a bit cryptic, but not to worry everything is fine. But back to my original idea for this blog. Friday at work I was walking a patient back to my office and I felt it....a cool breeze, yes I said cool. Now, to most across the country what I felt would not necessarily have been considered a cool breeze, but to me, after months of blast furnace heat, what I felt was a cool breeze. So, I was hopeful and excited. Fall is coming, followed by winter and with that comes the holidays. I'm particularly looking forward to this year. Last year I was accepted with open arms into Jake's family and this year will just be more of the same. I'm also looking forward to it because it also brings about a season of get togethers and family time. A good time to get reconnected.

Its that time of year when I want to start baking and decorating but its just still a little too hot, but I know its coming. Its also that time of year when I open the closet and look at the pile of jeans just laying there, mocking me. However, this year sticking with my new quest to accept what God gave me, I will face those jeans with new resolve.....if that doesn't work, I guess I get to go shopping:)

Little things

2008-09-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

In my quest to build a better relationship with my body I'm learning to appreciate the little things in life. This past holiday weekend Jake and I chose to stick around town even though we were invited out of the heat to cooler weather. We had been rather busy and we have a couple of busy weekends coming up, so staying home was sounding really good. And you know what, it was great. We had Jake's parents over for dinner Saturday night, I was a little nervous, I wanted to make sure what I made was to their liking and even though we go over there all the time, I definitely felt the pressure to be a good hostess. Well, needless to say Jake's Dad is still talking about the casserole I made so I'd count that as a success. The rest of the weekend we basically lounged around, watched TV and made plans for the fall. It was great. Nothing earth shattering, but wonderful none the less.

I find myself thinking of my evenings by lunch time on any given day. During the week it is sometimes painful to get out of bed and it has been great this week that Jake has been starting later so we have some time together in the morning. But the evenings are what I live for Monday through Friday. Again, nothing earth shattering, just TV, chatting, reading, whatever we want to do, it doesn't really matter, its the simple stuff. Just being, no rush, no fuss, just being.

Standing in church together Sunday holding hands worshipping the Lord that has seen us through so much and blessed us abundantly. There really isn't anything like it, and its simple, its a little thing that means so much.

So, in my quest to appreciate the little things about my body (OK, most of you know I'd have a killer line for that under normal circumstances, but notice that I am showing restraint :) ), its also helping me notice the other little things that make everyday wonderful.
So, I encourage all of you to look around and make note of the little things that put a smile on your face.

Captivating

2008-08-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

This is going to be an interesting post, so bear with me. Those of you that have known me for a while know that I have had a "hate/hate" relationship with my body. Those of you that don't me that well are about to. I'd like to say that as a professional therapist I got past my body image struggles years ago, but if I said that I'd be lying. The majority of my life has been spent putting myself down and being really hard on my body. I'm constantly trying to find ways to cut back or new motivations to get to the gym, but looking back on my life something occurred to me. No matter how "thin" I was, it was never enough, in that moment I was still terribly unhappy with the body that God gave me. The past month has been interesting for me. Teaching body image to adult women I am realizing that I'm a hypocrite. I'm encouraging them to appreciate the bodies that God gave them, when I am constantly berating mine. The realization that I came to was this; until I embrace the body that God gave me I'm never going to be happy with it. And as I was talking to a friend recently I realized that as tired as I am of being focused on my body, I'm even more tired of being negative about my body.

God created me, it says so in Psalm 139, He created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Why is that not enough? I used to think that if I was thinner I'd get a boyfriend, well, what does God do? He brings Jake into my life at a time when I'm not sure I've felt worse about myself, and Jake falls in love with me anyway. Now I have a husband who sees me the way God does....Captivating. When I think about the look on my sweet Saviors face the day He made me it brings tears to my eyes. If I allow myself to listen closely I can hear Him whisper:

Exquisite....

Beautiful...

Perfect...

Captivating....

And as sure as I am that my Savior rejoiced the day he created me, He created my husband to love me unconditionally just as I am. And while that is difficult for me to accept at times I am also realizing that the love I see in Jake's eyes when he looks at me is only a fraction of the love my Savior has for me. But He brought Jake into my life to help me realize that beauty is not the size in the back of my jeans or how many times I get to the gym or even how much Coke I drink during the day. Beauty is my heart, my faith and my soul, those are the things that are going to make me beautiful...captivating.

So, I've written all this to say that I'm throwing in the towel. I'm giving up the fight. I'm not giving up on being healthy, I'm simply giving up on being unhealthy in my thoughts and words about my body. God created every curve, every line, and I will work diligently to thank God every day for this body and while I know at times it will be tough, I am committed to loving me for me and seeing myself the way that God and my sweet husband see me.

So, I ask for prayer, this will be a hard habit to break.

Milestone

2008-08-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend I went to Lake Arrowhead to see my friend Susan and her new little girl. It was a good trip and a nice break from the heat. The weather was so nice, words can't describe. I actually wore a sweater outside, not inside because the air is too low. What this trip also meant was that for the first time since Jake and I were married we would be sleeping in separate beds in separate states. I'll admit that at first I didn't really think much of leaving. I've done it dozens of times before, it was just another trip to Cali; until Friday morning at the airport. He dropped me off and unloaded my bag and it happened, I started to cry. It was only 2 days, but the realization that I was going to miss him hit me like a ton of bricks. Now it wasn't hysterical crying or anything like that, but tears none the less. Like I said the weekend was great, I had fun with my friends and enjoyed holding the new baby and playing with her. I would like to go back at some point, hopefully soon. But it was definitely different, leaving Jake here and not having him there at bedtime. It was one more reminder that my life is completely different, in all the good ways. When I got off the plane and saw him waiting for me the tears came again, (Gosh, I'm sounding like such a wimp, what has happened to me?) the realization of how happy I am in my marriage, in the condo and with my new job is overwhelming at times. Not that there won't be times of trial, but as I teach my patients I'm working on living in the moment, focusing on the fact that I'm happy, not worrying about when the other shoe will drop.

I wouldn't have traded the weekend for anything, not only did I have a good time with my friends, but I also got to come home to a wonderful husband :)

Prayer Request: This Friday my application for Licensed Professional Counselor will go in front of the committee for recommendation for licensure. Please pray that they don't find any other reasons to delay my application and I will be able to finally be done with this process. If it gets recommended for licensure then on the 5Th of Sept, it will go in front of the Board and my license will be granted. Thank you in advance for your prayers.

God Answers

2008-08-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

As most of you know Jake and I are on a quest to get rid of our debt. There are several reasons for this, the most important being the ability for me to stay home after we have kids. So, we are planning ahead. In an attempt to get out of debt Jake made the decision to sell his car. He doesn't drive it much anymore because he drives his work truck and his parents were gracious enough to offer us the truck for the next couple of years to use so that we can save some money. So, in the auto trader the car went. Now, I'm the sentimental type and while I was excited at the prospect of paying off a lot of our debt, there was some sadness. This was Jake's car, the one that we took our first trip to Disneyland in and the one we used to go on our countless dates. But it was the right decision. Over the past few months Jake has gotten a few calls here and there, but most of the people interested either wanted it for nothing or they were a little shady, so we waited and prayed. Trusting that God would provide. As usual Jake's faith far surpassed my own. Then today out of the blue I get a message from Jake asking me to call him...weird. He doesn't normally ask me to call him in the middle of the day. When I do, I find out that the car sold and that the money was already in our account. What???? No one called, there hadn't even been any leads. But apparently it only takes 4 hours to sell a car. Someone called Jake this morning, left work to come test drive it and...done.

I cried. Not because we are in dire straits financially and "needed" the money so badly, but because I was in awe. In awe of the amazing blessings God is giving us. As a couple we are trying hard to be good stewards of our money and to keep focused on God and his plans for us, but at times it doesn't seem enough. We could always do more or try harder. But much like I teach my girls and ladies at work, its not how much we do, its the state of our heart that God focuses on.

Pure of heart,

Seeking Him first,

Trust,

Faith,

Faith!

That is always the hard one. I ultimately know that God will provide, but that doesn't make it easier to trust him for some ridiculous reason. So, after our celebration dinner and Jake's celebration strawberry shake( its good for you because its fruit :) ) the reality that a good portion of our debt will be gone very soon is still sinking in. Gone...just like that. I've said it before and I'll say it again; God is good! Now if I can just remember that the next time I begin to doubt, that would be a miracle. :)

Success...so far!

2008-08-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well, day one at Remuda life is done and I have to say it was great. That is not to say that there weren't times when I was freaking out about my new responsibilities. Not to mention that I feel added pressure because I've worked at the Ranch and therefore I'm expected to know more. There was a point today as I sat in my temporary office looking around at the mess and feeling so overwhelmed at how I was going to pull this off. Running adult body image groups...who me? You've got to be kidding, I've worked with adolescents for the last 4 years, adults...YIKES! But I found myself praying at 3pm that God would lead me, and He did. At the end of the group, which ended up being sort of small I told the ladies they had done a good job and they thanked me...weird, why would they do that? Well, one of them say "ya, who could have imaged that body image would be interesting", the other followed by saying that normally body image group is boring. They complimented me then asked if I would be running more of their groups and I said yes, they were excited. Of course this was a boost to my confidence because even though people tell me I'm good a what I do, I question my abilities constantly. So, this was reassurance that God was once again present, not only in that group, but it confirmed that this was the decision that was best for me and for Jake.

Now that I've tooted my own horn I'm sure tomorrow will be a disaster, but I will focus on putting God at the head of everything I do and trust that He is there guiding me, when things go well and even when things don't.

The other joy of my day is summarized like this:

8:05, leave condo to go to Starbucks

8:15, leave Starbucks to go to work

8:40 arrive at work....yes that's right :)

5:05 leave work for home

5:45 arrive home, once again, yes that's right:)

Total miles 56, which includes my trip to the gym this morning(which I'm totally excited about) and my trip to the mall for lunch....my fuel gauge isn't even off "F" yet.

AMAZING!!!!!!!

Time now is 6:40, I've had dinner and now Jake and I are relaxing together. No stress from a one and a half hour drive home, no pressure to go to the gym, just rest. God is good!

Flutter

2008-08-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

I'd say something strange happened to me on my way home with Jake from dinner tonight, but for me what happened wasn't strange. We had just gone to this new BBQ place that Jake was raving about and I'll admit it was pretty great and we were headed home to get ready to go to a get together we were invited to and it happened....a flutter. Now the way I would describe a flutter is somewhere between butterflies in your stomach and your heart skipping a beat. Flutters come when I am really excited about something, but its not your everyday excitement, its when I feel not only completely content but when I feel that God is truly present. Tonight my flutter was about heading home with "My Husband" to "Our House"....flutter. But they have happened a lot in my life;

My first crush....flutter..

Accepting Christ into my heart...flutter...

My first trip to Colorado...flutter..

My girls trips to Laguna Beach..flutter..

Seeing my best friends get married..flutter..

The first time I held each of my friends precious children..flutter..

Walking into Disneyland at Christmas..flutter..

The first time I saw Jake...flutter..

The night he asked me to marry him..flutter...flutter..

Putting my Wedding dress on..flutter..

Looking at the man I love more than I thought possible...flutter...flutter...flutter..

The realization that God created this man for me...FLUTTER....

And yes, even the thought of having my own child someday...flutter..

I love the flutters, I smile when I feel them, its a physical indication that God is working in my life and answering prayers that at times I am silly enough to think He doesn't hear. He hears every prayer and though He doesn't always answer them the way we want He often answers them in ways that are much better!

Now I could go on and on about flutters, but I'm sure at some point you would lose interest, but I hope my thoughts on flutters help you stop and think about your own flutters. What makes you flutter, or maybe it isn't even a flutter, maybe is something entirely different. Whatever it is I encourage you to cherish those flutters and make a mental note to not let them slip away. It's easy to do with so much on our plates, but make it a point to just stop and feel the flutter.

A New Type of Independence

2008-07-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

So, it occurred to me last weekend that since Jake and I have moved I rarely go anywhere alone. I drive to work and home, but if we go anywhere in the evenings or on the weekends he always drives and he is always with me. Now, most of you know that I HATE to drive so driving everyday to work is a challenge. Jake is very aware of how much I don't like to drive so that is primarily why he always drives when we go anywhere. But as I drove to the grocery store with Jake on Sunday in my car, I felt like a fish out of water. Not only do I not go anywhere alone, I rarely drive so when I do it feels foreign. Talking to Lisa on my way home today I was expressing my fear that I'm losing my "Independent" edge. I have for a while now been the girl that can definitely take care of herself. By this point of my life I've been through plenty and managed to survive. But I'm finding myself not doing things because I know Jake will do them or not lifting things because they feel "a little" too heavy. What is happening to me???? Well, it was then that I realized that the fight to stay my independent single self is going out of me. This is a blessing and a bit frighting at the same time. For Jake's sake I'm glad its happening, but honestly it scares me a little. I'm managing an entirely new type of independence. This new independence requires me to allow my husband to take care of me when he can so that I don't have to. This is still tough, but oddly enough its getting easier. It also requires me to tell him things I'd rather hide from and ask him for help when I just want to do it on my own.

Now, back to my original issue of not going anywhere alone. I like to be alone, Jake is out right now and I'm OK with that, I want him to go and have fun. But then the harsh reality sinks in and in an hour or so I'll be missing him and wishing that he would get home. I'm officially ruined. Ok, that's a little dramatic, but I can't tell you how many Monday nights I would sit at home and do nothing and not think twice, now its a chore. Oh the agony. Ok, I know more drama. So, I guess the bottom line is this. While I need and want to go places on my own I genuinely enjoy my husbands company and I'm working on coming to terms with the fact that being by myself doesn't feel as comfortable as it used to. Now, while I will be making more of an effort to venture out on my own, I'm also accepting that while going shopping is something best saved for girlfriends and solo trips, target isn't so bad with a cute boy:)

Frustration...The Vent

2008-07-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you may know my Mom was in the hospital last week. For those of you that don't know...now you do. I apologize for not calling everyone but to be honest I truly just wanted to forget it was occurring, so when I wasn't at the hospital or work, the last thing I wanted to talk or think about was my Mom. The reason for this post is because I am FRUSTRATED!!!! Now, it would be entirely inappropriate for me to share my frustration with my Mom and quite frankly it wouldn't make a difference. So, here is the root of my frustration. My Mom as had multiple opportunities to make her life better and to improve her health. Heck I was in the Dr's office with her when our Dr told her if you don't stop smoking TODAY things will get worse and your life will end..so what does she do...NOTHING!!! She continues to gamble and smoke and then expect me to clean up the mess. Now I'm sure some of this is sounding a bit selfish and ungrateful, she is my Mom after all, and honestly I am feeling a bit selfish. There has rarely been anything in my life that has not been altered by my Mom and her struggles. I probably wouldn't feel half as frustrated or resentful if she seemed the least bit grateful, but she doesn't. All she could talk about when I visited her is whether her boyfriend was going to come see her and how she wanted to go home, she didn't seem to care that she almost died. The biggest part of this hold situation that really frustrates me is the fact that last week I was totally emotionally unavailable for my husband. He did his best to try to help me, but there just wasn't anything he could do. As always he was patient with me and reassured me that would would find a way to take care of my Mom. But because of her bad choices it is now impacting my relationship with Jake. Again, I realize I sound incredibly mean and hateful, but I've got to get this out, because the reality of the situation is things are just going to continue to get worse because she isn't motivated to make changes and I am going to be the one responsible for finding out what to do next. I do have an older brother but he has never been much help. So, that leaves me and that makes me ANGRY!!!!

Now saying all of this is not to take away from the fact that I do love my Mom, but I'm tired of cleaning up after her. And I'm so tired of having to be the parent. Those of you that know me know that I will end up doing what I need to, but I had to vent about this situation. I really felt like it was changing me as a person and again, it would be pointless to tell my Mom any of this so, that makes all of you the lucky recipient's of information you would probably rather not have.

So, now I turn to God. I ask Him on a daily basis to soften my heart and give me the strength to deal with this situation. I've been through enough in my life to know that without Him there isn't much I can do on my own.

Thanks for listening and please keep me and my Mom in your prayers.

Update

2008-07-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought it would only be fair to update all of you on how the goal of getting back into a routine is coming. I'd say we are 80% there. We are definitely getting back in the swing of going to church which is really nice for both of us. The gym is what has been difficult, between not getting home until after 6, the humid 100 plus degree weather and Jake starting work before 6 lets just say it hasn't happened yet. But with the new job on the horizon I think it will definitely be easier for me to begin going again soon. Mentally and physically I need to get refocused. I've been blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally even if at times I can't stand myself, I thank God for him, and remember that just going a few times a week helps with the impending sense of yuckiness that comes from lounging about too much. Another high point that happened this weekend is that we finally had a normal weekend. We cleaned Saturday morning and then Amber, Jason and Miss Megan came over Saturday night for dinner. It was fun to finally feel like we were getting our life back, it was good to catch up with friends and show off the new place. This is truly what I've been waiting for...that everyday feel to our lives. Its finally here and I'm thankful. That's not to say that I won't complain about the "everyday" feel at some point, I am human, but I'm praising God for it now.

Funny side note: Jake reads the blog a lot, there isn't anything I post on here that he doesn't already know about. Sometimes he teases me when I don't post often and I keep offering for him to write a post, but he shys away from that...so he said to just say "Jake says hi". There is Jake's official contribution to the blog :)

And the answer is......

2008-07-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

YES!!! So, I got the transfer to the Life program. I will admit that I had had about enough today with the waiting to make a decision thing, but now I finally feel like I can look forward. As most of you know the state of "limbo" does not suit me well, so these past weeks have been torture, but now we have clarity, as I always knew we would. I am finally allowing myself to be excited about it, but its bittersweet, my coworkers in Wickenburg have turned into family. They grieved with me when my brother was killed and rejoiced with me when I found Jake and got married, so I will be leaving some great people and good friends. But I realize that I am also making room in my life for my new relationship and making time for us and for me. It will be a great help to my goal of getting back my routine. Its a completely different program and the patients need completely different things which I am thankful for. Especially since I'm on call this weekend and I just got paged...so that level of intensity I won't miss, but I'm sure it will have its own surprises. So, thanks for the prayers!

Are we done yet?

2008-07-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

So, this is weekend 3 in our new home. We are now at the point where there is just little stuff that we need to do and some little stuff we just don't know what to do with. I'm just about done with this whole move thing. There is defiantly something to be said for routine. I miss mine very much and I'm anxious to get back into one. I know to some routines can be boring, but I'm a routine girl and lucky for me I married a routine guy, so our goal for next week, start a routine. It's kinda sad when you have to goal to start a routine, but this is who we are :). I'm still a bit in limbo in regards to a job, I have one boss telling me that I have a confirmed transfer down to the Life program and others saying that I need to complete the interview process, sooooooo.....I am in yet another situation where I am trusting God to make my path clear. Jake really wants me to get the new job and I will admit there are definite perks, but I've also been through enough to know that above all else I need to trust God. He sees the big picture and we only see one scene, so I go on Tuesday for my interview, hopefully there will be some clarity at that point. I'd like to say I have more fascinating things to post about, but I don't really think I do. Do we have a lot on our plate right now...sure...am I on the brink of learning what its like to care for an aged parent....yep. But, those things are just side bars of our story. Jake continues to amaze me as a husband, especially to see him interact so graciously with my Mom, he is patient and kind and not that I needed a reminder, but its acts like that that simply point out to me how perfect this wonderful man is for me. He truly is a gift from God. So, as he rests and I type I look forward to next week and the beginning of our routine as well as what new and exciting things we will get to do next.

Happy Birthday

2008-07-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Today my baby brother would have been 29 years old. This marks the 3rd birthday since his death....

Happy birthday Vincey....I love you!!!!

Balance

2008-07-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Now that we are officially moved, it has been difficult to find balance in putting things in there new place and finding time for us. We are both so motivated to get things cleaned up, but by spending too much time each evening working we lose the few hours we have together before we need to get ready for bed and have to start it all over again. I have been finding myself constantly reminding my sweet husband that "we will get it done" as he is still trying to find little things to hang or fix. He wants to do so much for me, but what I need him to do is just stop and rest with me. I normally win this battle, like tonight for example, we hung a few things and he wanted to keep going, but what are we doing...sitting on the couch watching Deadliest Catch and relaxing. This is my favorite time of the evening, when all the chores are done and we can just be. With all the changes that are going on in our lives that is the thing I am anxiously awaiting, a time when we can just be. Right now we are finding balance in our daily task of making our new home, next we will need to find balance to add the gym back into our lives. This is the one I'm most focused on, I need to make time for me to take care of myself, going to the gym is the first part of that. So, as I'm typing and thinking about balance I wonder where are you struggling with balance? I have found that achieving balance has to be intentional, and it takes prayer and support. In our world today there are so many things waiting to throw us off balance and I find that relying on God helps me to refocus and find my balance again.

Blessings,

Home

2008-06-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

Well, we are moved. Everything is here, keys to the apartment are turned in and now all that is left is the daunting task of wading through all our stuff...I say "our" stuff, but really I mean "my" stuff. Jake didn't really have near as much as I did, and boy did I have stuff. I didn't realize just how much until this move. I have really accumulated a lot over the years. So, now is a good opportunity to reorganize and like the old saying "out with the old and in with the new". This really does feel like home. I say that because I was afraid it wouldn't, but it does. It doesn't feel like an apartment and its so nice that it ours. So, I'm looking around and realizing that we got quite accomplished and feeling very excited not only about our new place but all the of memories we will make here. My life has been in a constant state of change for I will say over a year now, so while I've had my freak outs, I've become accustomed to it. Now that this area of change has ended the next task will be figuring out what area is next. I can tell you for me, it will be figuring out what do to about my new commute...lets see if for once God and I are on the same page.

Progress

2008-06-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel like I accomplished something today...I know its a miracle. Jake and I are dog sitting this weekend for his parents and that allowed us to go and spend some time organizing the condo..or our place as we are calling it now for the big move next Saturday. We worked for several hours over there today and things are starting to take shape. The thing I am most excited about is the kitchen. I unpacked quite a bit and there is still so much room left....its amazing. I'll admit I've had my share of "private" meltdowns about the upcoming move, but as I was putting things in "their place" I felt peace and excitement. So many things in my apartment have been the same for years, move to move they remained. Now its an opportunity to start new, sure there will be some things that are similar but I want our place to be a reflection of us. My apartments have been a reflection of me and those that helped me move, so while Jake and I are verging on exhaustion by doing this on our own, its also a great chance for us to do this together and it can be ours...not just his and not just mine. It truly is a great feeling. Now this is not to say that in this final week in the apartment I won't have my emotional meltdowns...oh they will come, but they will pass and I will be left with my loving husband and a place for us to call home.

As you can tell from my blogs facial I finally got our wedding photos. Kathy Cole is amazing! Because for those of you that know me you know that I'm never very fond of my pictures, but I'm actually having a hard time figuring out which ones to pick. I love them!!! Once I figure out what I'm doing I will post some on the blog . I'm so proud of them you will all be sick of them before too long.
Blessings to all!

My Blog Just Got a Facial!

2008-06-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

My blog just got a facial at The Blog Spa and yours can too!

For a complete blog facial, contact Lisa EggeBrecht at www.theblogspa.blogspot.com or e-mail her directly at leggebrecht@cox.net !

Change

2008-06-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how you don't realize you need change until you have to change? This is what I am experiencing right now. I'll admit that last week the move to the condo was still a bit difficult for me. I knew it was and is the right decision, but I was still struggling with how much of my life has changed recently. Then as God always does He showed me that change is exactly what I need. The more we move into the condo the more I can't wait to be there. The closer I get to getting my independent license the more I realize I need a change in regards to my job too. This I have known for a while, I feel God leading me in a direction I never thought He would lead me, but that was my first mistake now wasn't it, thinking that I knew what God had planned for me. Change is happening all around me and instead of finding myself shying away from it I find my self anxious for it. What is wrong with me???? I am feeling like God wants me to continue to change and grow, first with my marriage, second with this move and now possibly in the job arena. I love what I do now, but I need something else, something I didn't know I needed until now. Funny how God always knows and lines things up for you. Even if we don't see it, He is constantly moving in our lives. It amazes me when I stop and think about it and it overwhelms me too. Questions come, what if I can't do what God wants me too? What then? But, again that is me thinking I know....I don't know...God knows.
Those that know me well know that to hear me talk of change the way I am is almost crazy, but this is one more area of my life that God has transformed. It shocks me everyday. Please pray that my independent license comes through soon, it has been quite a nightmare for some really ridiculous reasons and I know in this area God is working and also pray that I can continue to sit quiet and listen intently to where God is leading me next....I'm so excited to get there :)
Blessings,
Christine

Faithful

2008-06-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

This is a hard word for me right now. Well, I guess I should say it used to be harder, but its getting easier. The reason this is difficult for me is this...Jake and I are moving. His condo isn't selling and after a lot of prayer and some tough discussions we know that what is best is for us to move. We are just wasting money paying rent and the condo is beautiful. So, in order to be good stewards of what God has blessed us with, this is our new path. This is a tough one for me. I'm leaving behind very good friends out here in the west valley, and while I have no doubt our friendships will not only last but flourish I have some sadness about not being able to see them whenever I want. I've lived out here for 3years so this is one more part of my life that will no longer be the same. And truthfully, things can't stay the same forever.
On the up side, I get to move into a beautiful condo with my wonderful husband. And it will be ours, we aren't paying rent we are making payments to our future. A future that we knew would take making sacrifices now, so that's what we do, make the sacrifices. So, overall I'm excited, there is some nervousness about the move and my new commute, and all of you know how I love change...sarcasm:) But I'm looking forward to Jake and I beginning our lives together in a place of our own. Our faithfulness to what God is calling us to do now will bring us great rewards in the future, this we know for sure. Thank all of you who prayed for the condo to sell and now I would simply ask that you pray that Jake and I make this transition smoothly and that we will be able to keep our eyes firmly focused on God and his plan for us.
Blessings,
Christine

We're Baaaack!

2008-06-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Well, we survived Disneyland in June. The weather was fabulous but the crowds were abundant. I know the country is hitting hard times economically but you wouldn't be able to tell from the crowds at the park. We had a great time. We got our "just married" pins on Friday and got special treatment all day...it was fabulous! Saturday was a bit busier. We had lunch with my friend Susan, her husband Steven and their new little girl Emmeline. It was a nice time of catching up. Now that we are back I realized I didn't take any pictures of the baby...what was I thinking? In the afternoon we met up with Jake's brother Steve. This is always an adventure, especially since he had a new "friend" with him. It was fun and we ended up having a great time. I attached some photos of the trip. And write a more in depth blog later. We are pretty pooped from our fun filled weekend.

Blessings,

Christine

Disneyland Here We Come!!!

2008-06-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

So, Jake and I are out of here tomorrow. We are headed to Disneyland to hang out with Mickey and all his friends. This is one of the things that we really love to do together and I'm not sure it could come at a better time. After a long and stressful week at work for both of us and the frustration and stress from my car breaking down we need the time away. It will be a great way to leave all of our worries behind...well at least for a little while. I'm also very excited to see my friend Susan who had a baby recently. It will be nice to catch up with her and meet Emmeline, her new little girl. We will also be hanging out with Stephen, Jake's little brother...that is always an added adventure. I'll be sure to post photos when we get back.

PS: For those of you anxiously awaiting wedding photos, I should have something soon!

Blessings,
Christine

The Last Stand!

2008-05-31T08:18:00.001-07:00

Ok, so maybe that is a little dramatic, but I took my final step into married life yesterday. I will admit this was the hardest one for me to take. I took my paycheck and deposited it into "our" account. AHHHHHHHHH!!! Again, I recognize this a a bit dramatic, but I've been in charge of my money for a very long time. Knowing what comes in and what goes out. Now, I gladly give the bill paying over to Jake, but I wasn't sure I was ready to give up the freedom of stopping at Starbucks whenever I wanted or buying that cute shirt at the Gap, just because I liked it. Now he will see everything!!! Oh the madness. He and I have talked about this and its funny, he is feeling the same anxiety I am. See Jake and I both like to spend money, one of the things we have in common, so it was reassuring to know that he was nervous as well. My hesitation was more connected to that part of me that likes control. I know, I just admitted that I am a bit of a control freak, but we are all friends here right? I am a control freak...there I said it. Truthfully since a young age I've had to be in control of my life so it was difficult for me to give up this last bit of "perceived" control. But as we were paying bills this morning I realized, this is how it should be. What is mine is his and what is his is mine. I'll be sure to remind him of that when there's a new Coach purse I want ;)

Blessings,
Christine

Faith Like a Child

2008-05-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Why does it always come back to faith? I ask myself this question all the time. It's been on my mind since Sunday. We were on our way to church and the topic of Jake's condo came up. He is trying to sell his condo and we really, really need to sell. Are we ok right now, sure, we have more than what we need, but, we look to the future and know that we need to begin to make plans. If God permits children will come one day and we want to be able to provide them a stable home where I can be there with them. That's the future...but we are here now praying that this condo will sell. He has faith....faith like a child...it's amazing isn't it? That a man who has experienced a lot of pain and loss can still look to God and say, I trust you completely. I used to think I was optimistic, but not compared to Jake. Our conversations always go the same, he tries to reassure me that it will go. "God knows" he says, "he will take care of us". I try so hard to believe as he does, but it doesn't come as easily to me. I seem to always be looking over my shoulder, when will the other shoe drop so to speak? Then we went to church. Amazing, God again says 'Christine..can you just let me do my job?' We heard a speaker Steve Saint, the movie The End of the Spear, was based on his life. Amazing to me that this man whose father was brutally murdered by savages when he was trying to protect them not only forgave them, but through the grace of God was now able to call them family. He ministered to these people because its what God said to do. Then just as if it seemed things were good, his 17 year old daughter returns from a mission trip only to die on the night of her welcome home party from a hemorrhage in her brain. And yet he follows our Lord and says, thank you, what will you have me do next?

So, once I pulled my self up from my seat and wiped the tears from my eyes I realized that once again it comes back to faith. God has never given me a reason to doubt him, yet I have given him numerous reasons to doubt me. So, when my devoted husband says that God will provide, I will now work harder to let his child like faith become my inspiration to build my faith even stronger. I need to stop asking God, "will you really do this?" and starting saying "Thank you Lord, and what will you have me do next?"

I hope you all take a few moments to look up Steve Saint and read his story. It is a true expression of child like faith.

On a brighter note, I got some awesome news today. My awesome friend Lisa is busting out! She and I have a girls movie night planned for Friday. She has a sitter and Jake has given the go ahead and we are going to a movie. I'm so excited selfishly to be able to hang out with her, but also so excited for her. She is such a dedicated mom and wife and has made numerous sacrifices for her family which I know she gladly makes but come Friday night its all about her...for at least few hours. See you Friday Lees!!!!

Blessings,

Christine

Permission

2008-05-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so as I've mentioned before I was single quite a while before Mr. Right came into my life. And while most of those days I was dreaming of being married, there were certain perks to not having responsibility and only needing to answer to myself. Well, as most of you know, that changes when you get married. Honestly, having to "check" if I could do something was seriously something I was dreading. Why after all this time was I going to have to start asking for permission to do things. But, as a Godly wife it was part of my role. Well, the first instance of having to ask for permission came the other night. There is a movie coming out next weekend that I'm dying to see. Its more of a chick movie. Its also a movie that is based on a television show, OK, most of you by now know what I'm talking about, its my guilty pleasure, but moving past that. Since it is based on a TV show that Jake has never seen I just assumed he would be out of the loop if he went with me to see it and quite honestly I wanted to see it with my friend Lisa. She and I both watched the show and knew what was going on. She called and said that she may be able to get a sitter for next Friday and to "check" to see if I could go. There is was...I had to check. And you know, I didn't skip a beat. It didn't phase me at all. So, I checked. Jake was shocked. He told me that of course I could go, and that he didn't want me to ask "permission" to do things. What? Wow, what just happened. Then I told him he was invited to go with us, and he said No. He knew I needed my time and said that he would stay home while I went out and did my thing. Amazing. What an amazing husband I have. I know I gush on him all the time, but its true. He knows when to be the caretaker and when to let me be independent. Its amazing. I really did wait a long time to find Mr. Right and although I would never have dreamed I would say this, it really was worth it. God has been working on me for the last zillion years, and finally I realize why. God is great, not that I ever doubted it, sometimes its nice to see the obvious reminders.
Blessings,
Christine

The "New" me....

2008-05-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

So, I got my hair cut tonight and I LOVE IT!!! I feel like 100lbs has been lifted from my shoulders. I had gone after our honeymoon to get it cut and well lets just say it didn't go well. It looked basically the same, but shorter in the back. Tonight there is a clear difference. Jake loves it, which I'm glad for, but truly I did this for me. I just got married and the hair I had was connected to my pre wedding life. I know this sounds a little weird, but let me explain. 2 years ago my brother was killed. Just like that, New Years 2006, gone. That is when I started growing my hair out. The past 2 years have held a lot of pain and ended with more joy than I could have ever imagined. But the pain seemed to linger. Maybe its symbolic, I don't know, but as I sit here writing this post I feel...free. A few weeks prior to my wedding the man who killed my brother was sentenced and is now behind bars. God stepped in and took care of me again. As always, he puts something incredibly hard in front of me only to show me that He will never just leave me hanging. He may not answer the way we want him to, but he answers. I hate that one. That's the hard one for me. But, I'm truly the happiest I've ever been and it started with my wedding and ended with this new do. How can I not trust that God will provide. He has done it every time. Jake helped my heart to heal and that was a true blessing from God. So, now as I look at my adorable husband watching TV and feel the new shorter hair on the back of my neck, I'm reminded that God gives and he takes away. But never does He leave.

This might be a bit if a rambling post, but I hope it helps those of you needing a fresh start to begin new and look at all the wonders that wait when you are able to get through the darkness and begin again.

Blessings,
Christine

Thankful

2008-05-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

As God does most times He sends you messages when you need them most. Today was that day for me. In our staff meeting today a co therapist of mine had devotions. He spoke about being thankful for the things that God has blessed us with and to not worry over the things we still don't have. This hit close to home for me because one of the questions asked was "when will you be happy enough?". He pointed out that we always say..."I'll be happier when....." you fill in the blank. I know for many years I thought my happiness would be found in a relationship. That was partly true. However, I also came to realize that being successful in that relationship required me to be content with what I had been given. This was exactly what I needed to hear today. A reminder to be happy with what we have and to not allow our days to be spent worrying about what we don't. He knows our hearts and already has a plan to meet those needs. I was reminded that we need to let him.
I thought I would pass that along to see if it would hit home for any of you.

Blessings,
Christine

Getting There....

2008-05-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

Well, my blog is under construction. My wonderful friend Lisa designed this great new header and I managed to get it on my page all on my own...but....I need to figure out how to center it. Whew. This blog stuff is tiring. I love the header though and its more me than I could have hoped. Thanks Lees!!!!
Today is the one month anniversary of Jake and I getting married. Boy time flies when you are getting settled as a new married couple. Things are great and althought I got lots of advice to the contrary married life is fabulous. I love that he doesn't have to go home when we are out late and although most of you know me as an independent single girl, I've yet to feel like he is invading my space. So, God is good and has worked on my independent spirit to allow me to let this man that loves me unconditionally take care of me as well. Thanks be to God!

Blessings,
Christine

Let the journey begin!

2008-05-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I've never blogged before, so this first post may be a bit rough. My hopes with this blog is that I will be able to sort out some of my thoughts about our first year of marriage. In the coming days I will give you our story and let you know how we got to now....Happily Ever After...
I'm excited and also a little apprehensive about what this will turn into, but as with every other aspect of my life, I'm ready to explore new territory!

Christine